


Keep The Wolves Away

by A_Ravens_Flight



Category: Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon, Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: F/F, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2020-06-24 07:20:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 75,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19718878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Ravens_Flight/pseuds/A_Ravens_Flight
Summary: After the ‘success’ of Operation Kingslayer (a deep cover op in Bolivia where you and your small team of Ghosts took down an entire bloody Drug Cartel), the last place you expected to find yourself was here, standing in the middle of an obnoxiously large briefing room begrudgingly at attention whilst across from you, observing you with a mix of interest and indifference, sat some of the most legendary operatives the world's militaries had to offer.And yet … here you are, being welcomed with open arms as though you belong. What could possibly go wrong?Or, the one where a troubled Ghost joins Rainbow Six.A female reader insert x Valkyrie fic





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first venture into fics for these games, but rest assured I'm a veteran of Rainbow Six and Ghost Recon, so hopefully I can do it justice! 
> 
> Feedback is always welcome and I'm always up for suggestions on how to progress the story, all mistakes are my own.

Team fucking Rainbow Six. God's righteous men and women. 

They’re a multicultural, multinational team of warriors who, thanks to some notable successes against a new terrorist cell named the ‘White Masks’, are the only team in the world with the military clearance to operate wherever the hell they wanted. No red tape for these guys, they were sanctioned for all out warfare against anyone and anything that might threaten humanity. 

Perhaps in the past you’d have admired them, maybe even been a tad jealous of their free reign, but now stood across from the legends themselves you felt nothing but annoyance and a little bit of rage. 

Their secretive leader, a young Asian man referred to only as ‘Six’, stands uncomfortably close to your right side with one hand on your tensing shoulder and the other gesturing on occasion to the audience in front of you. 

You’d tuned out a few moments ago to what Six was telling the operatives, your attention trying to be anywhere but on the few familiar smiling faces that were looking at you, waiting for you to at least spare them a glance and acknowledge that they were there. 

**_‘This is wrong.’_ **

You shouldn't be here. A wolf doesn't hunt with the show ponies, it skulks in the shadows with its pack and waits for a shot to kill. 

**_‘You don’t have a pack, they’re all gone. You’re alone.’_ **

Oh, right. How could you forget that?

“- so that is why I believe our new friend Crow here will fit in quite nicely with our little family. After all, even our oldest war dogs like Thatcher can be taught a thing or two from a former Ghost. So, with that in mind, I look forward to seeing what you can do for Rainbow, Crow! Welcome to the team.”

Suddenly a hand was outstretched towards your own and without missing a beat you took it and reciprocated the greeting shake, noting the strength in the grip. 

For such a small man he had an impressive hold.

“Thank you. I’m sure the pleasure will be all mine.”

The lie made acid pool in your stomach. You couldn’t think of anything worse right now. 

“Alright Rainbow, dismissed.And remember, Doc is running physicals again starting from tomorrow. Report to him at your earliest convenience.” 

There was a collective groan at that followed by a little laughter coming from the man you presumed was ‘Doc’.

Six ended the briefing and turned towards you, obviously waiting for you to hit him with a barrage of questions given the nature of your arrival, but polite enough to wait for the room to empty first it would seem. 

You had plenty to ask him, but given you only found out about your transfer an hour before you were shipped here you weren’t really in a chatty mood. More of a, ‘ask that Scottish operator over there to cave your head in with his hammer because fuck everything right now’ kinda mood.

All but a few members of the audience started to get up and leave, many likely hoping to return back to their work judging by the speed in which some left the room. A few lingered to peer at you and perhaps even contemplated coming to introduce themselves, but none followed through with it. 

Eventually only five remained besides yourself and Six, and they were beckoning towards the man who excused himself for a moment to go and speak with them. Left there in the spotlight you let your gaze wander around the room to the numerous consoles and maps that adorned the walls. 

The tech looked to be expensive, which in turn made you feel even more out of place, because as a Ghost the weapons and shit you used on missions usually came out of your own pocket or were ‘liberated’ from an enemy insurgent, here it looked like they were fully funded and rolling in it.

You must have zoned out because all of a sudden Six was back at your side and feigning a cough, trying to garner your attention to answer the question he had asked that you clearly didn’t hear. 

**_‘Shit Crow, lousy first impression.’_ **

Luckily your new handler didn’t seem to mind your unprofessionalism, in fact he seemed to be quite Intrigued by your absentmindness, but repeated his question nonetheless.

“Sorry Crow I know you’ve had a long flight. I was just saying that it’s my understanding that you know three of my operatives already, correct?”

Once again your mind had distracted you and prevented you from noticing that 3 women you had definitely met before were now stood in front of you, waiting for you to say something other than gawk at them.

**_Fuck, not them._ **

Violent memories tried to breach the surface and threaten to take hold of you, but they were beaten back down. The last time you met these ladies you left them with the impression you were a badass, not a shell shocked mute. Better buckle up quick before they write you off too like the army docs.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and donned the usual facade of cold, stoic bitch. 

“Affirmative. We met during my last operation. Twitch, Valkyrie and Caveira. It’s good to see you all again.” A feigned smile. Well, not really. It was nice to see Valkyrie again and Twitch, Caviera on the other hand … not so much.

“Is it?” 

**_‘Speak of the devil’_ **

The beautiful interrogator with the face of a demon spoke first. A sly grin curling on her lips.

“Because the last time we met I threatened your boss’s life and you nearly drew your firearm on me.” She added, folding her arms across her chest and shrugging at Six’s inquisitive look.

How could you forget, that was the day before everything started to go to shit.

“Leave her be Cav.” Twitch spoke up now, offering you somewhat of an apologetic smile for the previous actions of her friend. “It’s good to see you too Crow, at least this time we can meet on more hospitable grounds. Now we have the chance to thank you properly for you and your team's help back in Bolivia.”

“Tracking down this wayward idiot.” Valkyrie interjected, jabbing a thumb in Caveiras direction before fixing you a warm grin. The BOPE operative at least having the good sense to look sheepish under her bosses hardened stare and you had to admit you could see why, Valkyrie just oozed intimidation … but then again that smile was kind of dazzling.

Judging by the strange look he was giving you four, it quickly became apparent to you that Six didn’t know the truth behind why you knew three of his operatives already. A small smile made its way to your lips at that.

“Seriously though, I appreciate everything you did for us back then. We were a little out of our depth dealing with Santa Blanca and without your expertise god knows what trouble Cav would have gotten herself into.” Valkyrie added, offering you a hand which you made to take but stopped as Cav began to talk again.

“Hey I would have done just fine without you, the Narcos were easy to break. A little more time and I’d have found my brother without your help. That ‘El Sueno’ puta would have been weak prey for me,” Caveira muttered under her breath, failing to notice the stillness in the air as the conversation ended abruptly with you staring at Valkyries hand still. 

Your eyes were suddenly glassy, throat dry, numbness spreading fast. You knew this feeling all too well, and like usual the bitch had sure picked it’s moment to say hi.

It was a flashback, laughter that echoes so loud in your ears you think they will never stop ringing. The sound of an engine misfiring. 

**_Why oh why did she have to say that name right now?!_ **

Alarmed at the sudden change in the atmosphere Valkyrie pulled back her hand and looked to Twitch and Six who were both staring at you. The GIGN operator caught on quicker than her BOPE friend and excused herself, taking Cav with her and offering quick goodbyes that she suspected would go unheard by you. 

The sound of the door shutting behind them snapped you back to reality and for a moment you looked around in a wild panic before Six’s hand found your shoulder again and brought with it a little peace. 

“Sorry.” You breathed out, ignoring the look of alarm on Valkyries face. “Long flight and no R’n’R in years, I’m a little on edge. Been an eternity since I’ve been somewhere this quiet.” You tried to joke and offer an excuse for your behaviour but deep down you know the Navy Seal won’t buy it. 

“Don’t sweat it! We all have those kind of days.” Valkyrie beamed at you, her smile almost warm enough to make you melt. There’s something about the way she’s looking at you that reminds you of home and that’s startling enough to make you want to retreat. 

She’s being nice, too nice for someone who might have to go into the field with you and expect to come out intact. 

“Agreed.” Six added, letting go of your shoulder and matching his operatives smiles. “I understand that this transition was not what you wanted Crow-“ 

**_‘What a fucking understatement.’_ **

“-but in time I believe you will come to realise all the good you can do as a member of Rainbow. For now I think you should get some rest. Valkyrie here will be in charge of showing you the ropes and smoothing this transition for you, trust in her capable hands and you will be just fine. I expect great things from you. Dismissed.” 

On instinct you snapped to attention, Valkyrie doing the same but her smirk indicated this was not what they did here, she did it to save you some face. 

**_Why was she being so nice and accommodating? She’s a fucking SEAL for crying out loud?_ **

With Six finally leaving you be you actually felt the fatigue you’d been feigning creep up on you and you had to stifle a yawn. It truly had been a whiplash kind of day so you were hoping that Valkyrie would just show you to your quarters and leave you be. 

And that she did. But not before making sure you knew where she would be if you needed her. 

**_‘She lives next door… great. Hopefully she wouldn’t mind some occasionally screaming.’_ **

The morbid thought going as soon as it had come.

“Alright normally I would show you around and get you acclimated to the base, but given the lateness of your arrival and your obvious fatigue we’ll hold off for now.”

It was nearing midnight, late by the working man standards but for you a stable sleeping pattern didn’t exist and you doubted it did for Valkyrie and the other Rainbow operators either. She was being nice again, she knows your weak. Probably can’t wait to get away from you and warn the others. 

“Your orientation will be at 09:00 tomorrow, but if you want I can give you somewhat of an impersonal rundown over breakfast in the morning and introduce you to some of your new team mates. 07:00 in the mess down this hall if you want?”

**_Oh right. Breakfast, cooked meals. No rations or MRE’s for you anymore._ **

You must have spaced again because the earlier look of concern was back on Valkyries face. 

**_Get it together idiot._ **

“Sorry, the thought of being able to eat actual food and not army sanctioned crap got me for a moment.”

The SEAL laughed at that, clearly understanding exactly where you were coming from. And honestly, her laughter sounded completely genuine and just nice to hear. 

**_Maybe your snap judgements on her were unfounded?_ **

**_‘Gotta work on that.’_ **

“Don’t get your hopes up Crow, it’s not much better than your average ration pack. Just a tad warmer kid! So, is it a date?” 

“A date?” You blinked, your cheeks flushing as your eyes wandered to the woman’s tattooed muscles.

Valkyrie seemed amused, she definitely caught you looking. 

**_Why were you looking? You don’t want to be here moron stop looking to get attached!_ **

“Figure of speech Crow!” The soldier smirked. 

And there was that feeling in your gut again.

“Y/N!” You blurted out without any context. Unsure of why you just told her your god damn name rather than accepting the invite and retreating to the safety of solitude. 

“Pardon?” Valkyrie asked carefully, clearly unaware of the effect she was having on you. 

“My name, Y/N ... I don’t really like Crow” you fumble “and yes, breakfast would be good. Thank you.” 

“Ok, Meghan.” She offers up her name easily and absentmindedly you repeat it out loud which earn you another smirk from the American operative. “I’ll see you tomorrow Y/N!”

And with that she really does leave, meaning you’re finally alone with your thoughts.

**_Great. Time to overthink all your life's choices._ **

* * *

It’s 1am and you can’t sleep. You’ve been at Hereford base not even a day and already you’re climbing the walls.

Sleep just ain’t coming for you yet.

Normally when your head gets like this you’ll tinker with your drone and fly it around a little while, but you’re not sure if it was even shipped here with you, let alone fancy getting caught sneaking out to find the armoury to look for it. 

“Ughhhh” you growl to the darkness and kick off the blankets. 

Your bed is too soft, the place is too quiet and you’re still a little paranoid that your room has been bugged even though you swept it within minutes of being left alone. It came up empty you still can’t help but feel someone is watching you right now. 

But you wouldn’t blame them. Your file had you pegged as a flight risk, a ticking time bomb. Something you had snorted at when you had first read it, but now … now you felt like going AWOL wasn’t such a bad idea. 

It’s a tantalising thought, but a thought the two warring sides of your brain don’t like to entertain for long. Because despite it all you’re still Ghost, and over a decade of training and experience doesn’t just vanish because someone unscrewed your bottle. 

Ghosts don’t run from their demons, they become them. So you won’t bolt.

Something you announce out loud to your imagined audience before sighing audibly again and turning over in your bed for what feels like the hundredth time tonight.

It’s crazy, but you actually fucking miss the cold mountain air blasting your face and the feeling of stone and dirt beneath your back as you slept. You miss it so much that after fruitlessly trying to sleep for the past 3 hours you just give up with the warm comfy bed and lie down on your room floor, dragging just a pillow and leaving the blanket to occupy the mattress that offends you so.

It’s not quite the same as sleeping outside in the wildlands, but the floor is cold and solid, so it’s close enough. 

With that taken care of you finally feel your restlessness start to ease off, allowing you to reflect on your current situation.

Your plans post Operation Kingslayer had been quite simple. Get drunk, get fucked up, jack a chopper and crash it into the side of a canyon. Because lord knows you were done with this life. You had no family to leave behind, no friends anymore … hell, no one to really bat an eye at you being gone. 

And the sad part of all that? You didn’t even care. 

Because El Sueno, Santa Blancas former Head Sicario turned CIA snitch, had taken everything from you last year in Bolivia when he tortured you and made you watch him kill your team. In doing so he broke that which had been trained to be unbreakable. 

But the government doesn’t give up its property that easy, no matter how damaged it might be. Especially considering the property in question (you) brought them the single most valuable informant they could ever hope to find in their war on drugs (seeing your only friends laying face down in their own blood flipped some super soldier switch in your head and you went on a rampage, your handler only just managing to stop you from killing him).

So Instead they threw your ass to their psych docs and made you a prisoner bound by contract. You were a workhorse that they just weren’t willing to put to pasture yet. Eager for just one more trophy from you.

You figured placing you with Rainbow Six was just another foolish attempt to get that out of you. And it was going to backfire and blow up in their faces, you just knew it. Only now there was a whole new team of people that would get caught in the crossfire, a casualty list that would just keep on climbing the longer they kept up this damn facade that you were still the soldier they sent into that jungle hell. 

Rainbow didn’t deserve this, Meghan didn’t deserve this. 

You succumb to sleep, exhaustion knocking you out cold finally. 


	2. Chapter 2

The mess is already … well, a mess. 

The place is abuzz with activity, nearly all of the operators eating breakfast and prepping for a long day of training. There's documents spilt out over the counters and even people laying about on the tops of the tables. A few even appear to be sleeping.

At a first glance it weirdly mirrors what a school lunch hall would look like at its busiest, not a military building filled with professional soldiers.

As usual the Spetsnaz keep to themselves, Glaz hunched over a bowl of bland porridge whilst his comrades Tachanka and Kapkan have a heated discussion about whether Fuze should try running an LMG instead of his usual shield/pistol loadout. 

The two newly reconciled sisters from GROM, Ela and Zofia, are whispering to each other and glaring in their direction. Ela clearly fixing to toss a grizmot in their direction just to get them to quiet down. 

Dokkaebi and Sledge are taking bets on whether she’ll actually go through with it whilst Thatcher sighs and mutters to himself at everyone’s behaviour. 

Everyone else is just chatting normally among themselves while they eat, but a small group is gathered around Twitch and Caviera and they don’t seem to be interested in their food. They’re looking to get the lowdown on their new team addition, the mysterious Crow. Who as of yet hasn’t left her room or been seen since last nights impromptu briefing/whirlwind introduction.

Valkyrie is absent too, but as the unofficial leader of the team (she’s the most level headed next to Thatcher and Doc) she’s often in talks with Six and usually turns up late for breakfast.

“I can’t believe we have a Ghost operative on the team. Those guys are the real deal. Deep cover, spook kinda shit.” The Canadian operative Buck speaks through a mouthful of bacon. His fellow countryman Frost chides him for bad manners but agrees with his assessment. 

“There were rumours that the Ghosts were involved in the incident in the Quebec consulate in 2011, but that was above my pay grade at the time. All I know was that they ended that bloodbath without ever firing a gun, remarkable if it’s true” She adds with a thoughtful look, stirring her coffee a little more than necessary. 

“It will be true. I heard a small squad of them can best an army. They’re legendary, never see them coming, which I suppose explains the unit name.” Buck spoke in awe, “Wonder what our girl did to get herself kicked out though? It’s not the kind of profession you retire from afterall.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a crush on her already Bucky boy, maybe you should ask her out and get some intel for the rest of us?” the FBI operator Ash lightly teases him, her fellow operator come on and off girlfriend IQ snickering at her side. 

“Nah, too intense for me. You see the way she was looking at us all? I like my girls wild not crazy. Girls like you Nomad” Buck remarks. This time Frost just full on pushes him from his chair. Nomad doesn’t even look up from her tablet, but there’s a ghost of a smirk on her face at the comment before she replies. 

“We have rules about that Sebastien.” She quips, “Well, some of us do at least.” She gestures lazilly to Ash and IQ before returning back to her work.

Relationships among the team are generally only encouraged platonically, romantically not so much. Six doesn’t seem to mind though as long as those involved continue to perform as expected in the field, he’s a hell of a lot more lenient than his predecessor was anyway. The old Six would have courtmarshaled and punished without mercy if she found out. Fortunately only Ash & IQ are ever flying above the radar for that, everyone else is a little more discreet about it. 

It’s with this in mind that Valkyrie sets off intrigue for the others regarding her thoughts on you as she finally makes an appearance and sits down next to Twitch, making sure to leave space for you if you decide to show and chastising Buck for calling you crazy when he hasn’t even met you yet.

“It’s a strong word to throw so casually about Cote, I wouldn’t expect someone of your caliber to make such snap judgements.” Valkyrie using his surname has the man backing up on himself, he normally wasn’t one to mince words but Meghan had him flustered with her hard stare. 

“I was only playing around. Not like I would say something like that to her face now Valk. Just a little joke that’s all.” Buck quickly apologised and went back to eating his food, but the others weren’t done with their questions just yet.

“You three know her right? What’s she like? What’s her signature gadget?” Ash pipes up and asks the questions in rapid succession, the redhead resembling something akin to an excitable puppy as she awaits to hear the juicy gossip. IQ rolls her eyes and forces her to sit still on the bench. “Eliza’s had a lot of sugar this morning.” The German blonde mutters by way of apology to her superior, Ash sticking out her tongue in response.

For a few moments there’s just silence, no one rushing to answer Ash.

Caveira just looks bored and is playing with her knife, acting like she didn’t even hear the questions. Whilst Valkyrie appears to only be half paying attention, she’s scanning the mess for any sign of you. 

It’s nearly 8am and you’re still a no show, which isn’t too worrying given the lateness of your arrival last night, that and it was pretty obvious you came to Rainbow against your own will. So if you didn’t show at all it wouldn’t be surprising. 

But she holds out some hope still. 

Eventually Twitch can’t stand the fidgeting of Ash so she’s first to respond, her answer not entirely laden with the kind of knowledge that she is looking for.

“She’s fierce. Quick on her feet. We didn’t talk much personal wise in Bolivia since we were too concerned in bringing Taina home but she seemed nice enough. Her team were tearing down a whole cartel network at the time so other than that I have nothing on her. I do know they used some kind of prototype surveillance drone for scouting but whether they allowed her to bring Skell tech here with her is anyone’s guess. I hope so though, I’d love to take one apart.”

She looks off with a dreamy look on her face, the others could practically hear the cogs in her mind turning.

“Another boring drone user? That’s disappointing” Ash scowls realising she won’t have a new partner to blow shit up with. The last shot she got was when Zofia joined the team, but the polish woman was very serious when it came to ‘safety’ and rule following so she never indulged Ash’s explosive tendencies. 

Now Ash knows she won’t be able to pin any blown up doors and walls in the base on you she loses a little interest, but IQ on the other hand is only more intrigued now she knows another tech junkie is on base.

“They got access to Skell tech? Oh I hope she has the drone with her, I’ve always wanted to see what kind of smart chips they use.” IQ resembles Twitch now as she stares off dreamily into the distance.

“Nerds,” Ash groans, rolling her eyes at the German. “Well it can’t hurt to have new blood, I’m looking forward to training with her.” 

“I wouldn’t get too attached if I were you Eliza. She’s going to be a problem.” Caviera pipes up, deftly flipping her knife in one hand whilst the other props up her chin. This gets Valkyries attention now, Cav isn’t one to engage with small talk or give gossip any credence. 

“What makes you say that?” Ash queries with genuine interest. 

“How have you come to such a conclusion already when no one minus Meghan here has even spoken to her properly?” Nomad lifts her head from her tablet and eyes Cav too with an incredulous look.

“Don’t need to, it’s all in her eyes. ‘La Diablo’,” She says matterofffactly, like it’s the most obvious fact in the world and everyone else is just dumb for not seeing it too.

Cav is pretty damn good at reading people so if you’re already rubbing her up the wrong way it’s safe to say you’re off to a bad start.

“Taina.” Valkyrie warns her friend. 

She felt a well of anger towards her for being so flippant about you, especially considering it was your team that saved Caviera from an untimely death at the hands of bloodthirsty sicarios. 

“You shouldn’t make such snap judgements, particularly when she’s not here to defend herself against … well, whatever it is you’re trying to say about her. This better stop now.” 

“What exactly ARE you saying Cav?” IQ chimes in, ignoring the sour look Valkyrie shoots her for indulging Taina. By now the whole table is leaning in, some of the other Operators on a neighbouring table have also turned around to earwig on the conversation. 

The BOPE operative pauses for a moment and lays down her knife, as if she needed everyone to be focused on her for her answer. And It works, the silence spreads that quickly that even the Spetsnaz notice and stop bickering to listen in. 

It’s at that moment that you finally walk in, no one noticing save for Nokk who’s sequestered into a corner watching everything unfold around her with feigned disinterest. 

She gives you an odd look, almost warning you of what you’re about to walk in on, but your mind is scattered today and your distracted by what you’re going to say to Valkyrie to make up for acting like a complete freak yesterday. 

You’ll need to apologise for being late but you’re sure she’ll be fine with it, after all you didn't expect the water pressure to be so damn good on a military base, a long shower was definitely called for. 

It takes a moment but you spot her wedged in the middle of Twitch and a red headed woman on the long table, your gaze now noticing that every Operator in there is looking at that table too. 

Curiosity gets the better of you and silently you move past the benches and make your way over, reaching the outskirts of the group just in time to catch the end of what Caviera is saying to the others … about you. 

“- just saying she looks nothing like what she did in Bolivia, more like the kids we used to pull out of the Favelas after gang raids. Can’t trust someone fucked up like that to watch your back. You never know when they’re going to … you know,” She forms a crude gun with her hand and places it against her head, even going so far as to make a noise that you can only presume is the pull of a trigger. 

The rage from last night that had dissipated in the shower was brewing again. 

The older, less serious you would have kicked her ass for talking shit, maybe even bullied her back a little because how dare this jumped up little hoodlum from the favela think she can talk smack about you. But this wasn’t just banter, there were actually some truths in her words (many of which you already knew yourself), and you're a far cry from who you used to be. 

You just wished it wasn’t that obvious to everyone already. 

**_Seriously are you wearing a fucking beacon or something around your neck?_ **

There’s a sharp inhale to your front that snaps you back from your head, and for a brief moment you and Valkyrie lock eyes. 

“Y/N, good to see you’re up. I hope you slept well.” Meghan tries to be nice but there's a hitch in her voice that gives away her discomfort, she knows you heard every word and is hoping you’ll just brush it off.

Now everyone else has noticed your presence too a sense of tension hangs in the air. Shits about to get awkward real fast since it’s pretty darn obvious in the sour look on your face that you heard Caviera.

“Y/N is it? Pleasure to meet you, I’m Bu-“ Buck starts, trying to defuse the bomb so to speak as he looks between the murderous look you’re giving Cav and the indifferent, almost challenging one she replies with.

“I know who you are. I’ve read all your files.” You reply back curtly, cutting him up short and bringing back the silence again. 

It’s true. Early morning you awoke before the birds were chirping so decided to spend your time getting to know the unlucky souls who would be relying on you to keep it together. It made for excellent reading and for a few moments you were almost excited at the possibility of going into combat with them. 

“Hey, she didn’t mean it like-“ Valkyrie stood up to take charge and try to talk to you but you weren’t particularly in the listening mood right now. 

“She’s right.” You say quickly, gaze scanning over every face that was looking towards your own. “At least one of you has the good sense to see a red flag when it’s waving right in front of you, maybe even stupid enough to show it to a bull too. Still, id make sure you have enough Intel first before attacking.” You scoff, not intentionally trying to wound anyone in particular but the venom in your voice would clearly suggest otherwise. 

“Crow it’s-“ Twitch tries this time but you’re having none of it and cut her off now.

“-fine? Seriously, I don’t give a single fuck what you think. Run your mouth all day Caviera for all I care, I’m just here to fight. And I won't stop until im six foot in the ground. Because that’s my job, and I'd wager it's yours too. Or did I miss the memo where Rainbow got refit for a fucking drama club or some shit?” You joke but your tone makes it clear it's anything but funny.

“A little dramatic. Do you rehearse that bullshit often?” Cav goads and slowly gets up from the bench. 

You quirk a brow, biting your lip to stop yourself from continuing this pissing match. Part of you wants to just go and lay her out, but you’re the new blood here and making trouble like that is a one way ticket to a dishonourable discharge. You might be messed up right now but you still have some pride and the whole ‘die at your desk with dignity’ attitude creeps back in your head from time to time. 

“Alright, cut the shit. Save it for the training sims.” Nomad tries to defuse now and you loosen your posture a little but continue to watch Cav sensing that she’s not quite done yet. She’s made a scene and she’s clearly loving it. In fact your silence now indicates to her that she’s won the little contest, so she smirks and retrieves her knife before offhandedly pointing it at you. 

The action wasn’t intended to be hostile and she planned to follow it up with something like ‘I look forward to kicking your ass’, she was only jesting and pushing your buttons afterall. But your reactions are hard wired and all you see is a deadly weapon threatening you. You're already reaching for the Desert Eagle strapped to your leg before anyone can stop you, and without much thought you aim it at the BOPE interrogator’s head and flip off the safety. 

There is a stunned silence before the room comes alive with yelling and more weapons are drawn and aimed at you. 

Caviera looks worried now realising what she’s inexplicably done and at least has the good sense to look stunned. She sheathes her knife, even holding her hands up in surrender and backing up slowly until someone moves in front of her.

“Y/N!” Valkyrie is up and in an instant she’s between you and Taina whose being protected by Twitch, the French woman giving you a deadly look for threatening her friend. Meghan seems to trust that you won’t fire because she’s already trying to push down the barrel of your gun with a light tap. Not to mention she hasn’t even reached for her own weapon or tried to disarm you, she knows this has to be something you do on your own otherwise an already shit situation gets worse. 

Like a deer caught in headlights you're frozen to the spot, adrenaline coursing through your body begging you to fight, your gaze frantic and wild until it locks with Valkyries. She’s a textbook negotiator, everything about her right now screams ‘calm down, there's no danger’ which is an enigma in itself because its you, you’re the fucking danger right now. What were you thinking pulling your gun like that? 

“Easy now kid, put the gun away and get some grub down your neck. Didn’t your mum ever tell you not to skip breakfast?” To your left an older man whose unmistakably Thatcher folds his arms across his chest and actually fixes you a small smile. He’s so unfazed with the whole scene that it actually calms the others and they relax their stance.

Well, all except Twitch. The woman is still eyeing your deagle with a wary look, and if you’d have been really paying attention you’d have noticed that one of her hands is pressing back against Caviera’s chest and she’s well into her personal space, the way you’d protect someone closer to you than just a friend. 

“Easy now Y/N, Cav might be an idiot but she’s no threat. We’re all on the same team here.” Valkyrie tries again and it works. You lower the gun and stare at it for a moment before flipping the safety back on and holstering it, a mix of embarrassment and shame on your face.

“I told you.” Cav mutters a little too loud but she’s silenced immediately by a warning look from Twitch. 

You open your mouth to apologise and explain your actions but nothing comes out, because how the hell do you justify that kind of reaction. Valkyrie notices your discomfort and goes to place a hand on your shoulder. You flinch away, backing up slowly until you hit a bench and then without warning you storm out, ignoring the calls from Valkyrie and Thatcher to stop. 

You need some air and more importantly some answers. 

“Well, I like her.” Fuze chuckles and slaps Kapkan on the back once he’s sure you’re well out of earshot. He breaks the silence and one by one the operators return to their previous actions as though there wasn’t just nearly a firefight in the mess. 

“She’s a bit too intense for me now I think about it, but she’s hot as fuck so it probably balances out right. Love a girl who can handle her gun” Ash grins and tries to lighten the mood too but it doesn’t go over well, especially with her girlfriend right next to her. It earns her a punch to her shoulder and likely a few cold showers in the future. Honestly Monika is a goddamn saint for putting up with her.

“Glad I didn’t call her crazy to her face now!” Buck chuckles.

“Can it Buck, you too Ash!” Valkyrie growls at the Canadian the redhead before running her hands through her hair. She’s a little pale from the stress of staring down the barrel of a gun point blank, but furious in how the situation arose in the first place. 

“God damn it Tania when are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut?! And why the hell did you point a knife at her?!” The SEAL chastised Cav, knowing that her job of bringing down your walls had just gotten infinitely harder now. Not to mention the troubling comment you made about not sticking around. Oh and there is also the very real possibility that would have just straight up killed Caviera had it not been for herself and Twitch breaking your line of sight. 

“She’s psychotic. I barely even raised the blade and already the bitch was ready to take the shot. Ghost or not, you really want someone that unstable armed on the base? You need to talk to Six about her.” Caviera growls, annoyed that your overreaction to her antics have landed her in hot water with both Twitch and Valkyrie.

“The way I see it you purposefully goaded someone who you suspected of being unstable into a confrontation. And instead of stepping up and being the leader I know you can be you made things a hundred times worse and kept on going until you triggered her. Whatever grudge you have with her from Bolivia ends fucking now Taina, and you keep out of her way too because next time we all might not be here to stop the shot.” 

Meghan said her piece,sighed and picked up her tray, moving off from the table.

“Hey where are you going?” Caviera dared to finally speak again. 

“Damage control. Try not to piss anyone else off in the meantime. And for god's sake no knives in the mess hall.” The SEAL shouted back as she deposited her tray for cleaning and left to go find you.

“How am I supposed to cut up my food if we’re not allowed knives in here?” Ash asked aloud with a smirk. 

A cup bounced off her head shortly after.

* * *

Being utilitarian in design means Hereford base is predictable in its layout and without much trouble you find your way outside onto a makeshift shooting range. 

By now you’ve gone completely pale and you’re struggling to breathe, each breath coming out in short raspy bursts making a sound akin to a dying animal. 

Needing to be alone and scared of being seen in such a state you manage to calm yourself just enough to make it past a few recruits who are leaving the range. You spy some scaffolding and stairs that lead up to the top of a large tower, it’s likely used for overwatch practice but right now it looks empty so it will do for what’s coming next.

You sprint up the steps, taking them two at a time with your lungs burning for the previous oxygen that it’s being starved off, the icy air rubbing your face raw. 

“Not yet, please not yet” the words dribble from your lips as your heart races, you have only seconds before the wave hits but you can only just about see the top of the stairs. 

Luckily the fear of falling back down the stairs sends a surge of adrenaline that carries your weak ass up the final flight of steps and out on to the open top platform where you collapse almost immediately.

Walled off by railings only, it wouldn’t be hard for someone in one of the tall neighbouring buildings to see this madness but you can’t bring yourself to care now. You need to calm down and ground yourself or risk blacking out. And you can’t do that again.

The last time an attack of this magnitude hit was back in the U.S. You’re not entirely sure what triggered it or even what happened during the episode. All you knew was when you woke up in the base hospital, the mask you had put on in the post-op debrief to your superiors was ripped away and they tossed you to the wolves (psych docs).

If this got back to them they’d lock your ass up in an insane asylum for fucking sure. And you’d rather throw yourself off the damn tower than let that happen.

**_‘It’s not even been a fucking day you stupid bitch!’_ **

Curled up on the ground, the wave breaks the dam and in comes the flood. The horrific images from your own memories assault you immediately and now your heart is thudding that hard it’s a wonder the muscle hasn’t broken through your rib cage. 

Desperately you sip at the air and choke on it, hot burning tears stinging your eyes whilst a shrill ring deathens you. Your visions is starting to blacken now, and though your gripping the side of your head tightly you can’t even feel it, everything is going numb except for the pins and needles.

Terrified you try to call out but the only sound to leave your lips is a guttural moan. 

“Y/N!” 

A voice breaks through the shrill whistle and on the edge of your clouding view you see a pair of combat boots come into view. And then someone drops themselves into your view, a blurred face contorted by fear, a soft touch from a heavily tattooed arm. 

And then … nothing.

* * *

Stepping out from the mess Valkyrie huffs as she looks left to right, trying to figure out where you’ve ran to. 

She’s furious, the emotion unusually volatile for her given nothing really gets to her these days.

A few things have caused this, and you are the catalyst for all. She just can’t wrap her head around why you’re here when it’s clear that you’re not … ‘ok’. And that angers her more because she suspects that something horrific must have happened to have changed you so drastically from the badass bitch she met in Bolivia. 

Which in turn begs the question, why have you been sent to Rainbow, an active special ops team, and not been medically discharged or treated? 

Shaking her head she figures that it’s best to leave that question until she next meets with Six. 

All she needs to do now is find where you are and start your orientation, because training starts again today after a short break from the weekend, and the others as well as herself need to see where you’ll fit ability wise with the team. Secretly she’s hoping you’ll be on the defending rota with her, at least that way she can keep an eye on you.

She sets off on her hunt, first checking your room because logically where else would you go on a base you weren’t familiar with yet?

Knocking a few times Meghan leans against the frame and waits patiently for you to answer. When no sound comes she sighs and places her ear to the door and even contemplates getting Ash to bring her launcher to take it down. But something tells her that you’re not in there which leaves her at a loss. 

That is until Nokk appears down the hall and signal whistles to her, gesturing for the shemagh wearing officer to follow her. 

Curious, Valkyrie jogs to catch up to the danish operator and falls into stride with her, not even bothering to question where she was being led to because Nokk just has an uncanny, supernatural like power of just knowing what you were thinking without even asking.

“She went this way. One of the recruits saw her go up onto Tower A.” The mysterious woman speaks quietly without even looking at Valkyrie. 

“Tower A, why would she even- …” 

**_‘Oh no.’_ **

Meghan gasped, suddenly fearing the worst. The look on your face in the mess hall had been worrying for sure but she never suspected it to be this bad.

She broke into a run, Nokk effortlessly matching her pace as the two thundered through the halls and out onto the training yard.

They crossed the shooting range in record time and only when she saw the ground around the tower was clear of bodies did she let out a breath she didn’t even realise she was holding. 

“Oh thank god!” Valkyrie laughed, thinking herself to have been silly for thinking you’d gone up there to jump. 

Nokk just looked at her with an odd expression for a moment before starting to climb the steps. “You do realise a fall from this height would be unlikely to kill right? Maim and grievously injure of course, but not fatal. If she was suicidal she wouldn’t be in this tower, she’d take that one.” The danish woman gestured towards Glaz’s sniper nest.

“First, whoever said I thought that? And second, what the fuck Nokk?” Valkyrie quipped nervously, her face flushed red from climbing the stairs and definitely not the embarrassment of her overreaction. 

Nokk just smiled at that but then stopped mid step and seemed to concentrate hard for a moment, like she was straining to hear something over the wind that was blowing around them. 

“Crow you up there?” Valkyrie stole the moment to call up to the platform but was met with silence “You’re know you’re not in trouble right?” The woman added afterwards, feeling like a parent trying to goad out their hiding child. 

Silence again. 

“Think your Intel might be wrong Nokk?” She turned to the woman only to be shushed by her. 

“Be quiet … I can hear her.” The Danish operator murmurs before her eyes go wide “That's not good. Come on!” Suddenly the woman took off again and charged the stairs like a bull, Valkyrie struggling to keep up as the earlier anxiety she felt about you came crashing back. 

“Wait Nokk, slow down- shit.” Valkyrie stopped short once they reached the top and she noticed the state you were in. 

“Y/N!” She shouts, immediately rushing to your side. Her first thoughts are to check for injuries because the sounds you’re making are far from normal, but there’s no sign of blood and a quick pat down doesn’t turn up anything. 

“Y/N can you hear me? What’s wrong?” Meghan tries again and when soft cries are your only response she realises just what’s happening. 

And apparently so does Nokk. 

“If I lift her up you get ready to lean her against your chest. We need to cool her down and get her breathing under control.” The woman speaks clear and precise, not even a trace of stress in her voice as she sets about lifting you up and holding you in place sat up until Valkyrie can get into position. 

“Ok I’m ready, set her back.” Megan holds out her arms and once your lay against her she takes both your hands in her own and starts to rub small circles into the back of them. “Just breathe Y/N, you’re going to be ok,” She coos, nodding to Nokk. 

Your unresponsive in her arms and dead weight against her, but you’re still conscious and already she can feel your shaking start to subside and your breathing slow. And even if your eyes are glassy with a faraway look she knows there’s a part of your brain that can hear her and is fighting the panic attack. 

Nokk rolls up your sleeves and pulls down the zipper on the neck of your shirt to let as much air as possible to your skin, she takes off your boots and socks too. Only once she’s checked your pulse and is satisfied there’s nothing more she can do does she stand up and goes to rush off. 

“Nokk stop!” Valkyrie pleads quietly

Confused, the silent stalker stops in her tracks. 

“I’m going to fetch help.” She replies, already waking off again. 

“Don’t! It’s fine, she’s going to be ok in a short while.” Meghan starts, feeling you suck in air like a greedy calf nursing from its mother. 

“Irrelevant. Doc needs to see her Castellano.” Nokk quips, eyeing her friend with a raised brow. 

“And she will. Just hear me out first.” Valkyrie pleads again and Nokk relents and returns to her side, crouching so she can check your pulse again. 

“I’m listening.”

“Ok. You saw what happened in that mess hall right? Well I’d wager that’s not the first time she’s done something like that, and it most definitely resulted in this. So with that in mind, imagine how she’s going to react when she comes back around and she’s surrounded by Doc and the others and they all know what’s happened? I can pretty much guarantee she’s going to be mortified and that will do more damage than good and you know it.” Valkyrie whispers, though she knows you’re not really there to listen anyway. 

“Perhaps. But she is a stranger to us Meghan, and we are out of our depth to deal with such an issue. Hiding such a thing from the team will only result in damage further down the line, whether that be to her or the others.” Nokk countered. 

“Look. I’m not saying we hide it, all I know is that she didn't want to be here. She was transferred against her will and Six had no choice but to accept. But I’ve seen what she can do and how far she’s willing to go to protect her team, and after that last Op in the Favelas there's no way we can pass her up. If we can get her to trust us we can really help her, and you know we can. Case and point Vigil and Ela. But if she comes back around with everyone knowing her business there’s a very low chance we’ll succeed. Just the two of us should be fine.” Valkyrie rebutted, shushing another whimper from you. 

Nokk sighed, running a hand through her hair as she stared down at you like a potential buyer appraising a new product. 

“Fine. But you will have to take full charge of her, and you should at least let Six know what’s happened and at the very least Finka. Maybe she can whip up something to calm her in an emergency?”

“Way ahead of you there. For now just do me a favour and run interference. I don’t want anyone, especially Eliza, to come running up here and see this.” 

“I can do that.” Nokk agreed and finally rose back to her feet. “Hell of a first day for you huh Crow?” The woman muttered knowing full well you wouldn’t be able to respond. 

“This has nothing on Zofia’s. Now that was a crazy first day.” Valkyrie grinned, recalling the moment she had to pull Ela off her own sister and stop the little ex mercenary from choking her when she realised Zofia would be staying as a member of Rainbow. 

Having only joined Rainbow a few months ago Nokk wasn’t privy to anything like that but she smiled nonetheless, pausing only once before she headed for the stairs. 

“Not that I’m doubting your character or anything like that. But why are you willing to put your neck on the line for her already?” 

There’s a moments silence marred only by your laboured breathing before Valkyrie responded. 

“Let’s just say I get the feeling I owe her a lot more than just a thanks for helping rescue Cav. I think going to Bolivia made her mission harder over there but I can’t be sure of that. But even so if I was in her position I would hope someone would do the same for me.” 

Nokk just nodded. 

“I won’t let anyone past me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so i know that was very dramatic for such an early chapter but stick with me please, we'll get to the action soon!


	3. Chapter 3

“Ww- what?.” The words are out before you can stop them. A guttural moan escapes as just about every muscle in your body aches.

An amused Valkyrie is staring down at you with a smile so coy that if you were really awake you might punch her … or kiss her. But something tells you Miss Marine don’t swing that way and dream or no dream you aint a predator. Well, not in that sense at least.

“Welcome back. Nice nap?” 

“Ss- what?” 

She laughs a little but doesn’t release the gentle grip on your arms that feels all too real.

Out of clear desperation for comfort from the ache in your bones you relax into the hold, letting your head rest against her chest, even closing your eyes and muttering about getting ‘5 more minutes’. 

This only furthers Meghans amusement and she actually lets you stay like this, watching over you like the guardian she is until she remembers that Eliza is probably already looking for you both to start the training sims. The Israeli operator has a loud mouth and an overactive imagination, and this is a compromising position for someone to see the two of you in. Valkyrie can already imagine the kind of rumours the woman would spread.

“Uh Y/N, not that this isn’t nice and all, but you’re kinda heavy. Are you alright to get up?” 

She coos with all the tenderness of the world in her words and oh my god do you just want to stay there in her arms. As far as dreams go, this is the best one you’ve had in years and you’re not ready to give it up just yet. 

“Shhhhh, too loud.” A groan again as you let your head loll to side for comfort and make yourself dead weight to keep her down. 

Admittedly it’s odd that Valkyrie is here in your dream, clearly your brain has latched onto her since she’s somewhat of a familiar figure who isn’t dead and has been nice to you, but what's even weirder is how much you’re acting like a child around her, dream or no dream.

**_‘Guess even the old grey matter upstairs is desperate for something happy for a change.’_ **

“5 more minutes, that’s it Crow”

Valkyrie stifles a giggle. Part of her is kinda digging this softer side of you, you actually look serene in her arms. But the more rational part is flooding her with anxiety because she knows when you snap out of this weird daze you’re in it’s not going to be pretty. You’re essentially going to wake up half dressed in the arms of a stranger post a panic attack, if that doesn’t invite turmoil she doesn’t know what will. The only upside is thanks to Ela and Capitao she has some experience in how to deal with this kind of predicament. But for the next few minutes she’s happy to leave you in the little bubble of peace you’ve erected. 

Absentmindedly she runs her hand up your arm, pausing only note a few discolourations in the skin from long healed burns and scars that at one point might have been life threatening to you. It all paints a rich tapestry of the kind of life you lead, the kind of life you’ve been made to continue. Her gaze continues further upwards until it falls on your face and she freezes. 

Apparently you’ve ‘woken up’, and the look on your face gives off a cornered, wild animal vibe. 

She lets go immediately. 

“You back in the land of the living?” 

You don’t reply, simply nod once and scramble up and out of her reach, ending up sitting with your back to her. Your hand clutches at your chest, feeling the pain from not being able to breathe come back tenfold. 

“What happened?!” You tremble, one hand shakily moving from your chest to pull the zipper on your shirt back up whilst the other reaches for your discarded socks and boots. 

You know the answer to that question already, that dreaded feeling is back again, a terror you’ve not felt for months. But you’re hoping that you’re still dreaming and that when you wake up you’ll be back in Bolivia about to hit the road with your squad, laughing about how shitty the food is and excited for the kind of fights you’ll get into.

Valkyrie chews at her lip and refrains from reaching out to you. She waits until you redress before standing and offering you a hand. 

Surprisingly you take it, and for a moment you both just stare at each other in anticipation of something that will go unspoken. There’s a soft look in her eyes, like she’s trying to appear as non threatening as possible and that in itself makes your chest ache more because you really don’t deserve this kind of reaction. This is not a normal reaction to someone like you.

“Can I have my hand back?” She teases, and there’s that flood of warmth again. 

She’s having a bizarre effect on you this Marine. Twinges of butterflies in your stomach and the ghost of shivers down your spine. It’s alarming, to say the least. 

“My bad.” 

You reluctantly let go and look around to see where your feet carried you in a daze.

**_‘Top of a goddamn tower. Way to go idiot…’_ **

“What’s the last thing you remember?” 

That throws you and calls your attention back, you’re not entirely sure what was a dream and what was reality. Only one thing is clear, a feeling of anger towards Caviera and a very bad first impression to pretty much every other member of Rainbow. 

“I nearly shot your friend. Kinda still want to. Also everyone now thinks I’m a psychopath. That sound about right?”

Meghan actually does laugh at that and it helps to relieve the air of tension that descended upon you now you’re fully aware that she knows your deepest shame. You wonder if anyone else was around for the show too, god what a fucking embarassment that would be. 

“Yeah that seems about half right. If it makes you feel any better most of us did too when we first met Taina, but she’s actually a really good person when you get past her bullshit. She’s saved a lot of us from an early grave. And as for the others, trust me when I say you’ve got nothing to worry about. They know better than to make snap judgements, especially considering at least half of them arrived broken as hell-“

She cuts off, realising what she’s just called you. You quirk a brow, her sudden nervousness at upsetting you is kinda cute. Of all the things you ever been called, ‘broken’ is way down there with ‘puta’ and ‘murderer’. 

“I’ll take your word for that.” 

You quip and she breathes a discrete sigh of relief, the noise bringing a little warmth back into your cheeks. But then she’s silent for a while and you realise she hasn’t answered your initial question, which means you’ll have to do it for her and face the truth head on because there’s no use pretending that she doesn't know.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” You start, and she goes to say something but you hold up a hand in a silent plea to just let you talk. 

“I’m a little … ‘different’ from when you last saw me. I think the last Doc called me ‘unstable’. Not the word I would use but it’s fitting. Maybe psychopath is right?” You scoff and she continues to stay silent, but it’s clear she’s listening intently.

“Look, as cheesy as this shit might sound, If I could go back in time, there's no way I’d have let them put my ass on that plane here. Rainbow definitely doesn’t need my crap.” 

You chuckle nervously and hold your hands together to stop them shaking. 

“This is only the second time it’s happened this … bad. I call them ‘updates’ because normally i can stop that shit in its tracks and put it off for a few weeks, but then something comes along and i click that stupid fucking button without much thought and the rest is … well, you know. It’s not a fucking pretty sight.” 

You’re pacing now, becoming increasingly aware of how high up you are and how cold the air is. Your analogy was crude but Meghan seems to be following. 

“This is the problem with being a Ghost. Every fucking part of the job is neither black or white, just a bleak grey. They train you not to have emotions, turn you into a machine. And they have to because one day you might have a kid staring down the barrel of your rifle and you have to pull the trigger. Someone has to do the wetwork.”

Valkyrie seems shocked by this, and it's another reason you’re going to have to get away from her and the others first chance you get. These guys are heroes, but your hands are filthy with the blood of so many people who may or may not have been actually bad. You don’t belong here.

“When you’re effective you’re their silent trophy, the prized pet that they let off the leash to cull the enemy herd. But what happens when all that robot training fails and you can’t be the weapon anymore? What happens when you see too much and can’t do their dirty work anymore?” You ask the dramatic questions aloud not expecting her to answer because they are more rhetorical. 

“They put you down?” Valkyrie replies, her face contorting to disgust. 

You turn to face her and grimace. 

“Bingo.” 

She starts to pace too, lost in thought.

“That’s what dumping me here is all about. They’re hoping I’ll go AWOL and get locked up for the trouble of it, get shot to shit by these terrorists you’re hunting or just do them a solid and take the easy way out.” 

Valkyrie scowls at that last part but you hold up a hand to stop her protests again.

“Either way I’m out of the picture but still under their thumb. Because I’d wager that the same person Six answers to is the same person who runs the Ghosts. If I do well with Rainbow it’s another pat on their back and they’ll drag me back to the cage, but if I fail then who cares? No skin off their nose. They’ll sweep me back under the rug they found me crawling out from. Either way I'm too dangerous to be left alone with all I know.” 

It’s a rather pessimistic way to look at it, but there’s no denying your logic. Afterall Rainbows selection process is very thorough and involves rigorous testing for the candidates before they even get a shot at being a recruit. Yet you were just whisked in already a full member with no prior notice or consideration to the team. That’s not how Six works in Valkyries experience dealing with the man. Perhaps there is some truth to your words. 

But the politics of it all isn't what really concern her right now, right now she’s still very much focused on the fact that you are still skirting around the fact that you had a debilitating panic attack less than half an hour ago. 

“Look. I’m not saying what’s happening to you Y/N is right, and I’m not naive enough to think our government has our best interests at heart when it comes to waging their wars. I know Soldiers like you and I are just tools that become weapons when they see fit, you come into this job knowing that. But you do it because ultimately you want to save and protect people, help those who otherwise would be helpless.”

You cringe at her words, because whilst she’s right about every soldiers mantra for signing up to this shit, you know that the two of you are polar opposites in why you kept on fighting. For you it stopped being about helping people and more about saving your own skin. 

“You make it sound so heroic. Maybe you should switch to recruiting instead?” 

Meghan shakes her head and ignores your attempts to deflect. 

“I won't pretend to understand what you’ve been through and what you’ve done following orders. But I refuse to believe that you have no control whatsoever over your own life Crow. I think ultimately if you didn’t want to be here you wouldn’t be. From what I’ve seen your more than capable.”

It’s your turn to be silenced now as she raises a hand to stop you from interrupting her mid flow. 

“Obviously I have no right to ask this, but if you ever want to talk about what actually happened to you in Bolivia can you come to me? I really want to help you heal from this, and I just know you’ll be a great fit with Rainbow and will see them as a family like I do. I think once you see that you can do good you’ll stop putting yourself down.”

You freeze up, scowling hard at her. The last family you got all died horrifically and you were left alone again. Never again. 

“Why?” You spit, not meaning for the venom to come out but it does. And she actually challenges you back rather than recoiling. 

“Why what?” 

“Why are you being so nice to me when I nearly killed your friend? Come to think about it, why the fuck didn’t you protect this family of yours and put me down? You’re all trained to see the threat and neutralize it but not one of you did your job. Emotions get you killed, you’d all do well to remember that.”

She’s taken aback by that, and it confirms a suspicion. There's a lot she could say back to that but there's one question that’s out of her mouth before she can stop it. 

“Are you trying to die Y/N?” 

She’s found the target, the missile homing in on your base. The alarms are ringing and there's no going back. 

“I just told you what’s likely going to happen didn’t I? If you knew what was good for you you would stay away. You don’t even know who I am or what I’m capable of! You think that talk about killing a child was a fucking metaphor?”

The accusatory questions come thick and fast and you’re certain that Valkyrie will get whiplash from this complete change in mood from you. But you can’t screw the lid back on now, the liquid has been boiling since boarding the plane and you needed to release the pressure in one way or another. 

She doesn’t respond to that, instead she moves closer. You want to step away but can’t, your feet are rooted whilst this rage consumes you whole. 

“Why the fuck do you even care Meghan? You’ve seen how fucked up I am, if you knew what was best for you and your own you’d take that Desert Eagle and put a bullet in my skull and save me the trouble later.” 

Your whole body trembles, shaking in anguish as the hurricane twists and turns in your head until your almost blinded. In an instant Valkyrie is pressed up against you, her hands wrapped around your chest forcing you close to her. She holds you tight, like her strength alone could keep you from falling apart. 

You’re stunned, the shaking stops and you stiffen in the hold, and for a moment Meghan is terrified that she stepped on a landmine with you. Every bone in your body is telling you to push her away, lash out and piss her off, whatever you have to do so she lets go and runs away before the grenade blows. But for the first time since the nightmare started, you don’t outrightly recoil and seek out the affection instead. Because there’s a part of you buried deep under all your training and your shitty childhood that has desperately needed this kind of unspoken support.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper through silent tears. 

She sighs but doesn’t let go.

“It’s ok. I’ve got you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, life gets in the way sometimes. I know this was a shorter chapter but it was fitting to establish some char development between Crow and Valk. Thank you for all the comments and support, you guys are what I do this for <3


	4. Chapter 4

Approximately 23 hours post meltdown you’re back facing Valkyrie, only this time it’s in a training exercise and you’re slightly more coherent. 

Earlier that morning Six had suggested that you join the others in a practice drill for an upcoming op. It was more to get a feel for how Rainbow operated as a unit, but more importantly it was a chance for the others to see how you might fit in, and Meghan was more than happy to run the simulation with you in it even if you wouldn’t be joining them next week. 

You wanted to get into Rainbows operations as soon as possible, but not unlike previous deployments you were being vetted first before you could join the unit on an official capacity.

This was a chance to prove you’re worth all the extra paperwork and consequential emotional bullshit that you’ll bring across Six’s desk and to the others front doors. 

“Alright we're coming up on the drop point, clip on and prep for exfil.” 

The Helicopter you’re in descends and hovers over the DP, Thatcher giving the order to latch on and rappel down moments after. A woman you’ve come to learn is called Ying gives you a thumbs up and before you know it you’re boots on the roof of what appears to be a converted hangar just a few miles south of the base. 

It’s pretty light out so the various cameras dotted around the place are easily able to track your position. Those not taking part in the Op watch with bated breath, each eager to see how you’ll perform after the whole fiasco in the mess hall. 

Thatcher is leading the team comprised of yourself, Ying, Sledge and Montagne. The bases boatload of recruits are all playing the part of White Masks with some even fitted out into the dreaded suicide bomber gear. 

(Well, simulated gear. It’s paint pellets not bullets that will be spraying the walls)

And as if that wasn’t already enough, they’re being backed up by Valkyrie, Caviera and Lesion. The trio playing the command aspect of the terrorist team. It’s good training for the recruits and ensures that the operators will be in for a meaty challenge to keep them on their toes. 

Having already briefed you mid-flight, Thatcher signals for the team to move out and commence the operation. He and Sledge go left, Ying and the hulking mass with the shield go right, you however move off on your own and rappel down the side of the hangar onto a jut outside of the building where a door leads inward to the gangways.

You’re job is to spot and tag ‘enemies’ so that your team can avoid being flanked, engaging only when Thatcher deems it necessary. 

Normally you’d feel indignant to being sidelined like this, but the man is old school SAS, wrath of god kinda deal and you trust he knows what he’s doing.

Plus, you didn’t relish the thought of having to come up against Caviera anytime soon, simulation or no simulation. 

“Crow, let the bird fly.” Thatcher’s gravelly voice echoes over your comm. 

“Roger that. Sending in Axew now.” It was a pet name you’d always used for the tech but saying it out loud likely earned you an eye roll from the stoic man.

The hangar itself was roughly the size of a small village and had several shipping crates and various structures acting as chokepoints and obstacles to prevent the attackers from rushing the objective, a dummy bomb, towards the end of the building. It was a lot of ground to cover with Axew but you managed alright, successfully guiding the two teams into the thick of it. Of course it helped that the people you were working with were crazy good at communicating.

So good in fact that barely 20 minutes into the simulation over half of the recruits were down including two out of four of the bombers. However the clock was ticking and there was no sign of the defending operators other than monty hitting a few Gu mines. 

Thatcher was getting a little antsy, he knew Cav well enough to know she was likely waiting in ambush. It was partly the reason he didn’t let anyone go off on their own in case they were caught by her. The Brazilian was devilishly fast, but with two operators aiming for her it would be harder for her to pull off an interrogation, a move that often turned the tide in favour of the defenders. 

With Ying and Monty pushing loudly up the east and drawing attention, Thatcher signalled for Sledge to take point and scout ahead whilst he checked behind them for signs of the slippery interrogator. 

Noticing that he’d stopped, you sent Axew back towards him and made it just in time to watch Cav drop down from a hatch above him and start to silent step. 

What happened next cemented a rivalry between you and Taina that would span your entire career with Rainbow. 

“Thatch, Cav on your six.” You warned him, already flying Axew in front of her to act as a distraction. 

“Good spot!” He turned and immediately unleashed a full clip of paint pellets from his AR-15 that forced Cav into cover. 

Disgruntled at being spotted, she looked around in anger knowing full well it was your drone that caught her and you couldn’t help but have Axew fly a small circle around her head. 

“Fucking bitch!” Cav yelled in Portuguese.

“Language.” Thatcher called out before chancing another shot from his cover.

Back at Hereford Twitch was smirking watching the feed because unbeknownst to you or Thatcher, Lesion had pushed out and taken out Sledge after the Scot mistakenly hit another Gu mine and gave his position away. A quick burst of his SMG had put an end to the man and forced him to lay down ‘dead’.

“Fucking traps!” Sledge grumbled as he laid down his hammer. “Shh, you’re dead” Lesion quipped back with a wry smile, pushing on towards the sounds of Thatchers gun. 

To make matters worse for the attackers, Ying and Monty had made it all the way to the bomb room only to be overrun by the rest of the recruits. To their credit they gunned them all down thanks to Monty holding the line and Yings Candelas blinding any that got too close, but Valkyrie was lay in wait. She watched them through the black eye she’d placed in the room and waited for Ying to try and plant the defuser before tossing in a ‘C4’ that pretty much turned Yings front and Monty’s backside purple rendering them down and out from the fight. 

“You got lucky Castellano.” Monty grinned, had his shield been towards the blast they both would have been fine, an error that would not made again. 

It was 3 versus 2 in favour of the defenders now.

“Thatcher, Axew is down.” You tried to keep the frustration from your voice. Cav had gotten angry, unloading her shotgun wildly until paint covered the drones camera and jammed the rotors. 

“Damn drones. Alright, change of plan-” The comm was interrupted by a burst of fire as Mike took down Lesion who had dared to drop from an open hatch, the same hatch Cav had tried to use.

“Crow get your arse inside and link up with Ying and Monty. They’re pushing up from the east, there’s a gangway that runs alongside their route that should give you plenty of opportunities for overwatch. Make sure they-“

The comm cut off for good now. Valkyrie had made it to Cavs position and between the two of them they had managed to push Thatcher and drop him.

With no response from Thatcher or anyone else for that matter you quickly realised you were the last man standing and Six’s voice came over the buildings tannoy to indicate there was only 5 minutes left in the simulation. 

“Oh this doesn’t look good.” Monika mused, swatting away Eliza’s wandering hands as she watched the camera that focused on your face. You were deadly still, seemingly frozen. 

“I’d say the odds are still even.” Morowa (Clash) smiled, the British officer watching the feed with great interest. 

“Care to wager?” Eliza perked up, bored by the lack of explosions and being ignored by her girlfriend.

“What did you have in mind?”

Eliza studied the feed, watching Cav and Valk begin to fan out to look for you. You’d finally entered the building and were descending to the lower levels, seemingly weighing up which route to take to get the defuser. 

“Love, Six is right there.” Monika hissed in German, cautiously looking over to where Harry was stood with his arms crossed. The man was distracted for the moment, but nothing ever got past him with Rainbow. The blonde was certain he could hear them.

Ash just grinned and carried on. 

“£50 says our girl Meghan catches the little ghost before she can even touch the defuser. That sound ok to you cop?”

Morowa rolled her eyes at the name but held out her hand for Ash to shake. “You’re on Red! But £100 says Crow takes down Cav and plants the defuser before Valkyrie can even stop her.” 

“Shake on it.” Eliza held out her hand and Morowa took it with earnest, shaking it just a little too hard to rattle the girl.

Off to the side a smile formed on Six’s lips.

* * *

Approximately 3 minutes later and Eliza was sulking whilst the others watched the impending climax to the small skirmish. 

You’d made it to the defuser and planted it, setting up a choke point and destroying the black eye cams that Valkyrie was relying on to watch the objective. With only 2 minutes to spare Cav had daringly tried to rush the defuser, but you had planned for it. The moment she stepped into the room you swept her leg and knocked her down on her back, shooting her once in her head before she could even try to fight back. 

Whilst the defuser countdown ticked on, Cav had no choice but to lie there and watch you take up a defensive position preparing for a desperate push from Valkyrie. Ying and Monty were there too, laid down but watching you from the corner of their eyes. Discreetly Ying gave you a quick thumbs up, you smiled back at her.

It all seemed to be in your favour, less than a minute to go. But Taina was a sore loser, and she excelled in mind games. She just couldn’t resist.

“So, what did you fuck up so badly that you got kicked out of Uncle Sams special squad?” She muttered, breaking the rules of the training simulation. She was still lay down, but her posture was leisurely, she’d even gone so far as to draw her knife and start playing with it. 

“You’re supposed to be dead, quiet down.” Ying quipped back. 

You carried on looking down your sights towards the wider door.

“I just want to know who I’m working with. Don’t you?” She grinned. 

“Taina this is out of line.” Monty warned, but it was clear she was ignoring them. 

“So go on, who did you get killed Ghost?” Taina added in a singsong, “who had to pay the price for you failing? Or was it plural?” 

That was it. She hit the trigger. 

“Shut up!” You growled, eyes off the target and trained firmly on the bitch who was getting back on her feet. 

“So I’m right then. God you were far too easy. I thought they trained you to resist interrogation” Cav laughed.

You leapt over the cover and stormed towards her, moments from doing something stupid and violent. Until Meghan made the push you were expecting and rushed the room. She didn’t take time to assess the situation, she just unloaded a full clip right into you.

You blinked, ears ringing, the wetness of the paint bringing immediate discomfort. One moment you were in the hangar, the next in a cell watching El Sueno fire round after round into Midas’s body. Blood and flesh splattered all over the room, covering your face as you screamed until you couldn’t scream no more. It was a horrid place for your mind to take you and it took just about everything you had not to react physically to the attack.

Six’s voice came out over the tannoy, announcing operation failure and to pack up and return back to the landing pad.

“Taina!” Valkyrie seethed, rushing to get between you two. She could tell just from how Caveira was already on her feet that she’d done something stupid again. 

Taina just shrugged, making some kind of odd gesture towards where you stood. She had the good sense to stay quiet whilst Valkyrie approached you. 

You were covered in paint, but your reaction to it told her that you thought it was blood, or your head was messing with you again. Either way, not good. If the others saw you freak out like you’d done with her the other day … who knows what would happen. 

Ying and Monty clambered up, Ying grabbing Caviera by her arm and dragging her from the room. She stole a quick glance back at you just stood there, but Valkyrie gave her a nod that told her she would handle it. 

“Ouch no need to pull so hard.” Taina groaned but Monty clipped her upside her head with his shield. “You’re not a child Pereira, and you’re certainly not a bad person. But right now you’re acting like a brat and being a bully. Whatever problem you have with Crow will stop now, because like it not she is a part of the team and we protect our own.” Ying growled, Monty nodding along to her words and making sure Caveira followed. 

Meghan watched them go before turning back to you. You’d calmed down now but it was clear you were trying to hide something.. 

“You did good Y/N, almost had it” She grinned. “And i'm sorry about Taina. She means well. She’s just … wary.” Valkyrie shrugged, careful not to touch you in case you flipped on her. 

“She’s a bitch. An evil conniving little bitch.” You scoffed, rubbing your side. The pellets might have been filled with paint but they hurt like a mother when they hit you. 

**_‘You’re getting soft’_ **

“Yeah, it’s kind of her thing.” Valkyrie grinned, pleased you had not spiralled. “But she genuinely just cares about us all. Family has always been a sore spot for her, and right now she’s just worried because you’re new. And new can be scary in our line of work.” 

“Tell me about it.” You quipped back, kind of understanding where she was coming from. But one question was burning for you. “What about you?” 

“Huh?” Valk asked, a little confused by the determined look in your eye. 

“Are you worried?” You asked the question again, only this time more direct about it. “I mean, you’ve pretty much seen what can go wrong.” 

Meghan paused for a moment, deliberating on what to say. It was clear that whatever she said next would carry weight with you, so she had to tread carefully. Thankfully, her heart won over what her head was screaming for her to say. 

“No, I’m not.” She stepped into your personal space, hand ghosting over your own for just a fraction of a second. But it was enough. Now you felt as though you couldn’t breath for an entirely different reason. 

“I won’t lie, you’ve got some quirks.” She noted, grinning when you rolled your eyes, “but I can see that you’re a fighter, and you won’t go down easy. You can find a family with Rainbow Y/N, if you’re willing.” She added with a genuine smile, an expression so warm that you couldn’t look away from her lips. 

**_Damn girl get a grip_ **

“I don’t really do the whole ‘family’ gig.” You muttered quietly, rubbing at your side again. But now it was Meghans turn to roll her eyes at you. 

“Yeah yeah, whatever you need to tell yourself. Now come on, the losers normally have to clean the weapons but I bet I can get you out of it if we feign injury.” She joked. 

You actually laughed at that. “What’s this ‘feign’ shit, you shot me point blank practically. Gunna have more than a few bruises for a while.” 

She stepped right up into your face, leaning towards your ear and whispered.

“Nothing a good massage won’t sort out.” 

You gulped, breath hitching. 

Fuck. 


	5. Chapter 5

It would seem congratulations are in order. 

Hereford has been your home for little over three months now and despite your many, many flaws (that might be a little harsh) it’s been relatively incident free. 

Hell you’re even starting to like it.

Six is still yet to draft you for an Op, but according to Meghan that’s nothing to be worried about because they’re in the middle of a quiet period at the moment with the White Masks. 

The last operation led by Rainbow was a huge success, it resulted in the capture of two of their captains from the Western chapter. Whoever they were handed off too next (probably MI5) were still working on getting information from them, so for now everyone was on standby, the terrorists likely licking their wounds.

Regardless, you’ve been training vigorously every day with the others, because you all know that the peace won’t last and the retialition will be bloody. More casualties will come and you all have to be ready. 

Meghan seems to think you are, she’s told Six that much, but you’re not so sure about that. Even though she’s witnessed your … uh, problem? She still speaks of you so highly to the other operators when they question, and she is always friendly and reassuring whenever you need to talk to her.

In fact, in such a short space of time this woman has become the closest thing you’ve had to a friend in a long, long time. 

Part of you wants to believe it’s because Six has asked her to induct you into Rainbow, like it's her job to make you feel at ease here, but then you think about all the little moments you’ve had with her when you couldn’t help but feel she was trying to reach for you. 

Hell, just last week she showed up in your room with takeout and her laptop, settled herself onto your bed where you had been sat leafing through a truck manual and proceeded to spend the next hour talking about her family and asking you about where you grew up whilst she wrote up a report.

Normally you’d have clammed up and gotten irritated that someone felt as though they could just do that, just invade your private space without invitation and ask personal questions. But talking to Meghan was as natural as breathing, she brought a smile to your lips even when you were trying to sulk. You didn’t reveal much to her, and what you did was mostly a lie, but it was still nice that someone cared this much.

It was alien, but intoxicating.

**_‘You like her, don’t you?’_ **

“So what if I do?” You growl to the reflection in the mirror, the simple act of talking to yourself enough to snap you out of the moment of contemplation.

“Gotta stop that shit Crow, people will think you’re crazy.” A chuckle leaves your lips before you finish brushing your teeth and getting ready.

It’s sometime close to 7am and you’re already late to meet Meghan for sparring. 

You’re actually excited, this is becoming somewhat of a routine for the two of you now and the score is pretty much tied. For every time that Valkyrie has dropped your ass on the mat you’ve returned the favour in earnest. 

She’s brilliant to spar with and always a challenge. And out of all the others who’ve dared to step into the ring with you she’s by far your favourite opponent. 

When you arrive at the gym however you’re a little disappointed to see Nokk is in there and not Meghan. She’s not alone either, almost every part of the place is filled with recruits and what looks to be Ela and her sister Zofia. 

The two seem to be training the recruits in hand to hand combat and are thoroughly engrossed it, acknowledging you only with a simple nod before returning to the task. Some of the recruits turn to gawk at you, one or two scowling in your direction. You figure the animosity comes from the fact that you showed up a full fledged member of Rainbow whilst these poor saps have to work for it. If only they knew what you were capable of they’d understand in a heartbeat. 

“You get lost or something?” Nokk calls out to get your attention. She smirks, head cocked in arrogance as she sees the obvious disappointment in your eyes that Meghan isn’t there. She’s lifting some sort of barrel up high and setting it back down in what you can only assume is an exercise. Her hands are wrapped in sparring tape though which is clear indication to you that she’s here to replace Valkyrie today, worry gnawing at your chest as you try not to overthink why she isn’t here. 

“Lieutenant Castellano is in a meeting with Six and the other captains, she asked me to step in for her. I hope you don’t mind.” 

There's a change in tone at that last part, not quite sarcasm but also not sincere. Clearly the woman has noticed how you and Valkyrie are around each other.

You resist the urge to roll your eyes and stretch out your arm, cracking your neck to the side like you’re warming up for a fight. Part of you wants to just leave and go see what they’re meeting about, but if you've not been called on by Six it’s obviously something he doesn’t trust anyone outside of the team Captains with. 

“Not at all.” 

You quipped back through grit teeth, pushing past her to climb into the ring and retrieve the tape. As you wrapped your own hands and stretched out you could feel Nokk’s eyes burning a hole into you.

“Problem?” 

“Not at all.” 

She repeated your earlier words back to you and moved to stand across from you, getting into a fighting stance almost immediately. 

“You know, Lieutenant Castellano seems to be rather fond of you.” 

Now it was your turn to stare, trying real hard not to blush and to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. 

“Your point?”

Nokk just shrugged and fixed you an odd look.

“Just be careful.” The danish woman added quietly.

You quirked a brow in confusion, it was hard to read the woman’s intent behind her words when her face was a mask. 

“Look i'm getting real tired of people being cryptic around me, so cut it out yeah? Or just say what you fucking mean.” 

She deliberated for a moment, seemingly weighing up the right words to use with you. Clearly she’d triggered your temper.

“I just don’t want to see anyone get hurt. We have the priority of life protocol in place for a reason. Castellano is a person who thinks with her heart, you I suspect differently. It could be a volatile mix, one that could affect the mission.” 

“I know the protocols Nokk. Get off my ass already. Meghan is just my mentor for this bullshit, nothing more.”

**_‘Hahaha, ok kid. Whatever you need to tell yourself’_ **

“Ok Crow.”

You got into a ready stance and beckoned for her to make the first move. And she did, in a flash she was on your left trying to land a punch to your gut. You turned to dodge and grabbed her hand, twisting it and pulling to throw her into the rope that surrounded the ring. She managed to stop herself from hitting the side and stepped back to create some space again. 

“Have you seen Finka yet?” She asked as she lunged again, this time making contact with your chest and knocking you back. Grunting you reeled from the blow but recovered quick enough to attack back. She dodged just about everything you threw at her, that smirk never leaving her lips. 

“Not yet.” You growled. 

Of course you’d forgotten that Nokk had been up on that tower when Meghan had found you. It was embarrassing to have so many people know, let alone someone like Nokk. She had apparently been insistent that Finka be brought into the loop regarding your panic attacks. Meghan had agreed but she wasn’t pushing you, seemingly content to keep your secret until you were ready. 

She’d tried to bring it up with you once, but you were a stubborn bitch when you wanted to be and the last thing you wanted was another self proclaimed doctor claiming to have some magical fix for your head. The last one had suggested some kind of therapy since medicating you would mean they’d have to discharge you. 

Not to mention it had been months since any incident, surely that meant you were getting better?

“Any reason why?” Nokk queried, breaking your concentration.

You paused at that, opening up an opportunity for her to strike again, which she did. She hit you with a flurry of punches that were difficult to deflect and would definitely leave bruises.

“Please don’t psychoanalyse me Nokk.” You breathed out, pushing her back off of you. “I know you mean well, but it just isn’t that easy. I’ve got a handle on it, and for now that’s all that should matter.” 

Since when were fights so … wordy? You and Nokk had barely passed more than a few words between each other, but right now in the ring she just wouldn’t shut up. 

“I’ll make you a deal.” She smiled, only a little out of breath despite the intensity of the spar. “You beat me, i'll never bring it up again and leave you to ‘handle it’.” She quipped that last part with obvious sarcasm. 

You already sensed the ‘but’ before she could even say it.

“But if I win then you have to go see Finka tonight. She’ll be in the clinic alone doing inventory, you’ll be able to talk freely with her.” 

Before you could answer she launched another flurry of attacks, ending with you both grappling each other on the mat trying to get the upper hand.

“Seems like a dumb trade.”

“Yeah, but you know you want to take it. I can be really persistent when I want to be. But I’ll stick with my promise if you beat me. Which should be easy, right Ghost?” 

She had you there, you were pretty confident you could drop her and if the prize was getting her off your back it was worth it. 

Nokk’s hand locked around your head whilst her leg coiled to pin your waist, she held you there almost lazily, clearly not taking you seriously which pissed you off.

“You’re on.” The growl left your lips and you managed to get out of the hold and throw her off. “But I want to sweeten the pot.” 

“Go on?” 

“I win you tell me your name, because ‘redacted’ just doesn’t suit that pretty face of yours.”

She laughed, putting her hands on her hips.

“You think I’m pretty?”

You rolled your eyes, the spar continued.

* * *

When Valkyrie goes to find you after the meeting with Six, she doesn’t expect to see you in the recreation room of all places. 

Since coming to Hereford you only seemed to visit one of four areas; your room, the mess, the gym or the range. So when she wasn’t able to find you in either she panicked a little, thinking you might have gone off Rez. 

Which brought her to the Rec room, because if anyone could find you it would be Nokk (remember that uncanny ability she has?) and Thermite was ‘pretty damn sure he saw the scary lady there’ last. 

“Hey Nokk, have you seen Crow? I’m worried, she’s not in the usual plac-“, she cuts off mid sentence as her eyes lock with yours and a blush creeps into her cheeks. 

You’ve got a sheepish grin on your face, an ice gel pack loosely secured to your shoulder. But that’s not what’s making her blush, oh no. You’re in sweats and a sports bra, your shirt discarded to your left on the couch you’re sat on. Even from the short distance between you, the Navy Seal can make out the definition of your muscles, see how taught and toned the skin is. Unconsciously she licks her lips.

Sure the image still leaves a lot to be desired, but desire she clearly will. 

“You ok there Valk?” You call out, snapping her from the daydream she’s lapsed into. 

To save her some dignity you pretend like you didn’t notice her staring, but that flock of butterflies that seem to live permanently in your chest whenever she’s around were in a frenzy.

Nokk snickers. 

She’s sat down with the back of her chair facing forwards so she can lean on it, looking between you two with a coy smile on her face. 

Valkyrie goes to reply but Ela appears carrying a first aid kit, she shuffles past her and returns to your side where she had apparently been earlier, prying off the gel pack, making you wince and gasp in pain.

“Oh shush.” Ela quips before she goes to work. 

Valkyrie just continues to stare at your body, mouth gaping a little. 

“Blink twice if you want me to mercy kill you.” A gruff voice makes Meghan flinch and her cheeks burn red again at being caught. Her fellow Seal Blackbeard is here too, right behind her carrying a tray of mugs. The smell indicates coffee.

“Oh, hey Craig. Is one of them for me?” Valkyrie asks, hopeful. 

“I suppose you can have Nokk’s, but they’re hot so you’ll have to wait.” Craig quips over his shoulder, setting the tray down on the table.

Nokk nods, giving Valkyrie a thumbs up, but Valk just shakes her head and pulls a face at the back of Craig’s head before her attention returns to you and the room.

It’s an odd scene, she realises now. 

The Crow she had come to know wasn’t much of a people person, yet here you were sat half dressed in a room she was certain you were avoiding. And that room was also filled with people she was certain you hadn’t even interacted with outside of training. Not to mention you were letting Ela touch you without trying to break her hand. 

What the hell was going on?

“Stay still moron.” Ela chastises you in polish as you squirm under her touch. 

“Your bedside manner needs work.” You groan back to the Grom operative. 

It then becomes apparent to Valkyrie that you’re hurt. She’s by your side in an instant. 

“Is someone going to tell me what happened?” She looked around the room, gaze falling on everyone in the room until it finally came to rest on you. 

You blushed deeply, embarrassed. 

“Don’t ask me, I just wanted to watch the game. These three showed up and turned the place into a damn medbay,” Blackbeard gruffed as he settled into the other couch and watched TV, “Then somehow they roped me into making coffee. I swear you women have us all wrapped around your little fingers in this place.” He finished with a chuckle, Nokk shooting him a finger gun whilst Ela just turned to scowl at him. 

“Meghan I’m fine. It was an accident” 

“You’re obviously not fine, you were only supposed to spar each other.” 

“Look, Nokk kicked my ass, hard. And Doc is a little busy with the recruits from yesterday's training sim, we didn’t want to bother him. It really is nothing I promise” You grimaced, patting the space next to you on the couch so that Valkyrie would sit down. For some reason her standing there above you like that looking annoyed was making you anxious, but within seconds of her sitting down that eased. 

Unconsciously you tried to move a little closer to her, but Ela clipped you around your ear for moving whilst she worked on your shoulder. 

“It’s not ‘nothing’ idiot. But it will be fine when I’m done.” Ela muttered under her breath as she worked. 

If Meghan noticed your less than subtle attempt to reach out for her she didn’t say, but she did smile warmly back at you and attempt to peer at what Ela was doing. She could see some dried blood and bruising but Ela’s hands blocked the rest. Part of her couldn’t help but feel a little jealous that it was the little Grom operative that was helping you right now and not her. 

“Keep still Crow.”

Nokk stared at you with you with a frown before it softened, this time her face managing to look a little like she was sorry. She turned to Valkyrie, ignoring the accusatory glare the woman was giving her. 

“It was my fault, I got a little too much into the fight and threw her out of the ring. Someone left a few weights lying around and they broke her fall. Naturally Crow thought she could walk it off but Ela got pissed she was bleeding all over the mats.”

Ela scoffed.

“You’re lucky that’s all they broke.” She mumbled, hand expertly threading a needle through your skin whilst you sat there wincing and jumping when she pulled it through. 

Meghan placed a gentle hand atop your own and gave you a quick squeeze of comfort that Ela noticed and gave her a side eye about. 

“You’re also both lucky that my sister was in a good mood today.” She added, dabbing a little harder than necessary at your shoulder to catch the blood. “We’d been looking forward to showing the recruits proper etiquette in close quarter combat, how to control their body at all times. Zofia even had a five point plan set out and she was very excited to put it into action. But then these two morons show up and have a dick swinging competition that distracts the recruits and ends up being a demonstration on the exact opposite of what we were trying to teach. It was annoying.”

“Hey i was just there to spar, she broke the rules.” You jab a finger in Nokk’s direction earning you yet another whack from Ela. 

“I came to play, I didn’t think you Ghost kids played by any kind of rules let alone whine about getting beat.” 

Unintentionally Nokk hit a nerve, it was only playful banter but you were feeling quite volatile right now and more than a little vulnerable with everyone staring at you, your guard forcibly down.

“Next time I might not, but the consequences will be different If I do.”

A storm cloud passed over your face and the air in the room noticeably changed. 

“Oh? Is that a threat? I said I was sorry already.”

Blackbeard averted his gaze from the Tv for just the briefest of moments to give Valkyrie an look, clearly trying to convey something to her. She’d worked with him long enough to know though … ‘defuse the situation’. 

“It wasn’t a threat Nokk, both of you dial it way back please. I guess the adrenaline is still pumping.” Valkyrie joked, giving your hand another comforting squeeze before she got up to go look at your shoulder herself. Ela seemed annoyed to have her blocking the light but knew better than to quip at Meghan, besides she was almost done anyway. 

The cut itself didn’t actually look that bad now she could see it for herself, Ela had done a fine job of sewing the skin back together, clearly credited to her artistic skill. The bruising however was a different story, already there was a mix of deep purples and reds that seemed to cover your whole blade. And within it old scars and what appeared to be healed over bullet wounds were accentuated. It was a rich tapestry to behold, Lord only knows what the rest of your body looked like. Unconsciously she lightly touched one of the scars and felt you shiver under the touch and flinch.

“Crow for the love of whatever god you may or may not follow stay the fuck still or i swear to god i will stitch my name into the skin so it will scar!” Ela growled and you actually chuckled at that. Immediately the storm from earlier passed over and everyone seemed to ease. 

You cocked your head back over the edge of the couch to look up at Valkyrie, a soft smile on your face that took her breath. 

“So, you were looking for me right? Does Six want to see me?” 

Meghan fumbled, still a little dazzled by your smile which was greatly amusing to Blackbeard it would seem as he snorted into the coffee, trying to hide his laughter. No one missed a trick when it came to how you and Valkyrie reacted around each other. Even the usually permanently annoyed Ela was cracking a sly smile. Nokk remained indifferent. 

“Yes!” She finally breathed out again and moved away to go get herself one of the mugs of coffee. “I thought you might like to know that you’ve finally been cleared to go off base.” Her words were that of excitement but your strained smile would have marred them if she had noticed. 

“Oh,” was your only response. You don’t know why but it didn’t feel good to know that.

Still Meghan went on, not noticing your lack of enthusiasm unlike Nokk who was watching you carefully whilst Ela pretended that she didn’t feel you tense so hard. 

“Yeah isn’t it great? I know your transfer has taken so long to come through officially, I bet you must be be dying to step outside. There’s a lot of really nice bars around this base and the village nearby loves us, they stock their shops with produce from a lot of our home countries.” She grinned into her coffee, eyes seeming to find everything but what she should be looking for as she looked at you in between sips. “Don’t get me wrong it’s quaint, not at all like the US, but it beats being cooped up here all the time. There’s a lot of forestry round here that you can walk in or ride trail bikes down the dirt paths.” 

Her voice grew quieter in your head even though she was still talking. The last time you road a dirt bike was in Bolivia. 

“And as if right on cue, Six is giving most of the base the next few days off for recuperation before he briefs us for the next op. You know what that means right?” The Navy Seal added with glee. 

“WE’RE GETTING WASTED!” A cheerful shout erupted from the door and got everyone's attention. It was Eliza, closely followed by her fellow operator Jack (Pulse) and Monika. 

“Oh god.” Monika groaned, knowing full well that it would be her girlfriend getting drunk and she would be looking after her. 

The three bundled into the room and immediately made themselves at home, Ash dropping into the empty seat next to you and reaching for the remote on the table in front. As soon as she changed the channel Craig grumbled but she just flipped him off. Only once she was comfy did she cast a glance in your direction and realise what was happening. 

You were paled and breathing hard, straining against Ela who was gripping your uninjured shoulder tightly. She had stopped your knee jerk reaction to the loud intrusion and was keeping her hand there to ground you. 

Finally Valkyrie noticed and sprung into action, she reached behind the back of Eliza to retrieve your crumpled shirt and placed it back in your hand. Holding the cloth and feeling its material between your fingers in place of where a gun could have been worked. You breathed out and quieted much to the relief of the few that had noticed. All of them likely remembering the incident in the mess from when you had first arrived. 

“Sorry dude, I didn’t mean to make you jump. What’s up with your shoulder?” Eliza piped up, the israeli operator looking torn between concern and amused that you were sat there in the state you were in. 

“Are you ok Crow?” Monika spoke softly, giving Ash a warning look to be careful. 

**_Way to go idiot, way to fucking go. You just have to ruin everything don't you? They’re all looking at you, you’re not just a clown, you’re the whole fucking circus._ **

You wanted to speak but the words were lost in your throat. You needed to get out of there and quick but if you fled then the others would go back to thinking you were crazy. So much progress would be lost. Maybe you could play it off?

Ever your saviour (and sometimes your instigator) Valkyrie spoke up for you, with interjections from Nokk, and explained what had happened. Graciously the two left out that you were bubbling for a meltdown over being told some news that should have been good for you. 

Whilst they did you became increasingly aware that you were just sat there with just your sports bra to cover your chest. Wordlessly Ela noted the returning discomfort and helped you to lift the garment back on before she finally gave you a little space. She’d packed the wound with guaze and tape so there was nothing more to be done anyway, it was up to you now to keep it clean and look after yourself. 

“Thank you.” You murmured to her and she gave you a warm smile before moving off to pack up the kit. 

Suddenly Eliza fist bumped the side of your shoulder to get your attention, but you were busy looking at Meghan, the blonde clearly trying to see if you were ok now.

“If it makes you feel any better Nokk has just about destroyed everyone here including T’chanka. She almost had Thatch too but he’s too proud to know when to quit so we all take it easy on him, don’t want him to break a hip.” Ash joked aloud as if Mike himself could hear her, Jack and Monika nodding with grins on their faces. 

“So, are we going out then to celebrate your new found freedom or what?” Monika asked you directly. 

“I don’t think-” you started but were stopped by Nokk.

“Y/N isn’t going anywhere tonight. We had a deal, remember?” She interjected and just about saved your life. 

“How could I forget?” You played along, feigning annoyance when in truth you were relieved to have an excuse not to go. Clearly something about having freedom like that was fucking with you, but it wasn’t something you wanted to unpack just now. Maybe Finka could help you understand?

“Oh, are you two doing something tonight?” Meghan spoke up, trying and failing to keep the jealous tone from her voice. 

Blackbeard shifted uncomfortably but the others were smirking. The way Meghan was looking at you right now … was she hurt? 

“No!” You blurted out and watched hints of relief etch their way into Meghan’s face. 

“Ouch Crow, way to let a girl down easy.” Nokk feigned shock but it was clear she was playing this time. “Honestly it’s nothing anyone of you need to be concerned with, just a promise she has to fulfill for talking tough and thinking I’d go easy on her.” 

“Another time then?” Eliza asked, for whatever reason hopeful that you’d agree. Maybe she wanted to see if she could make a new drinking buddy out of you? Judging how the others in the rec room reacted to her wasted comment she was likely never the designated driver. 

Valkyrie seemed hopeful too. How could you say no to those eyes?

“Yeah, sure. Why not?” 

**_A million reasons why not but fuck me right?_ **

“Nice!! I’ll hold you to that.” Eliza laughed before making room for Monika to squeeze in next to her. The two started to get a little handsy almost immediately which was everyone's queue to leave it would seem. 

As the door to the Rec room closed behind you, you just about spotted Eliza’s face pressing up against Monika’s. 

“Do they do that often?” You asked, shocked at how brazen the two lovers were to just makeout on base like that. 

Nokk, Pulse and Blackbeard had already left, leaving just you and Valkyrie alone in the corridor. 

“What do you mean by that?” Meghan spoke defensively and it took a moment for you to realise why. 

You couldn’t help but laugh out loud which annoyed her further. 

“Do you have a problem with them being together?” She added. 

“Meghan chill, I’m not a homophobe. Fucking hell im actually Bi myself” The words rolled off your tongue like they didn’t carry the weight they should in today's shitty society. “I just meant do they just decide to rail each other like that regardless of who’s around? Because I thought relationships that fucking obvious were a huge no-no around here? And literally just seconds ago I was sat on that couch, so I hope they’re not about to start boning each other on it.” 

When Meghan didn’t respond you stopped looking at the door and watched her instead. She was something akin to a deer caught in headlights, only Meghan was 100% more adorable in that moment. 

**_Wow, thirsty much?_ **

“Did I say something wrong?” You asked her, clearly worried. 

“Me too!” She blurted out, and for a second you were confused until you realised she’d just come out to you. “Bi, I mean. I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m acting like this. That meeting dragged all the sense out of me I guess.”

You chuckled, wincing only slightly as you placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her hand with your other. 

“Pleased to meet you fellow Bi. Should we get badges? Start a club for bisexuals only?” 

“Knock it off Y/N!” 

Valkyrie swatted your hand away but was laughing all the same, the sound sweet on your ears. 

However once the silence descended again you both seemed to notice at the same time that you were; a) alone and b) standing very close to each other. 

She gulped, a glancing look to your lips making it clear to you that these feelings you’d been suppressing around her may actually be shared. And now you knew she was into women made it harder not to think like that.

You were standing quite close, it wouldn't be hard to close the gap. 

Valkyrie trembled slightly, seemingly toying with the idea herself.

**_Stop it. You will hurt her, it can only end badly. Remember Midas?!_ **

****

The smile faltered and you take a small step back, trying to play it cool but failing because the disappointment in Valkyries eyes is painfully obvious. 

She recovers quicker than you though.

“ I’m sorry you got hurt. I wanted to be there this morning but Six was insistent. I figured Nokk would give you a run for your money, I guess she took it too far. There’s a reason her and Taina get along so well.” 

“Don’t sweat it, it was mostly my fault. I rushed her when she wasn’t ready. The only logical reaction was to flip me or take the hit, I know in her position I’d have done the same. It was just unlucky I fell the way I did.”

“Maybe. But I don’t like seeing you hurt like that. There was a lot of blood.” 

It was your turn to freeze now, her words replaying in your head and sending the butterfly flock into a mass frenzy. 

“Anyway I’m glad it wasn’t too serious, but if you need help changing the bandage I’m only next door.”

You nodded thickly, right now imagining her in your room with your top off is not where you should be going. 

“I should get going, Eliza will probably want to start pre-drinking as early as possible once she finishes fucking Monika so I need to get our ride secured quick. The moment everyone finds out we have downtime it will be chaos. Last time all the trucks got taken within minutes and we had to share a ride with the Spetsnaz. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the Russian National Anthem be butchered so badly before.” She laughed, the sound so warm it collected in your gut and unfroze you. 

“Have fun.” You call out to her as she starts to walk off. She pauses at the end of the corridor and turns back, offering only a wink before she leaves you alone. 

You leave shortly after, heading for the mess. Might as well get some grub in before submitting yourself to the mercy of another doctor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first i gotta say thanks for all the kudos and comments, it means the world to me. I'm going through a rough time right now (you know what they say about bad luck coming in threes? Yeah i have that right now) but writing this knowing its bringing joy to others really helps. Second I need to warn you that the next chapter will touch on subjects that people may not be comfortable with and will also include smut, I'll be sure to warn you again when it's posted in the starting note. Once that chapter is done we will really start to get into the meat of it and the reason behind the story aka the writer finally adds the plot sauce to the story pan XD


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas recruits! Hope you all like the update :3

News of downtime spreads fast like wildfire. It’s barely even 8pm and the base already feels like a ghost town. Clearly it’s been a while since people were offered a break like this so nearly everyone was taking advantage of it. Well, everyone save for yourself and those crucial to keeping the place running. 

On your way to go see Finka you pass by Harry’s office and see that the light is still on, the idea to maybe ‘knock on and have a casual chat’ passing through your head. 

Even though the two of you haven’t spoken since your arrival, you understand enough about the man to know he lives at his desk, married to the job. But for Six that’s not a bad thing, it means he’s always got his ear to the pavement and prepared to lead. Evident as much in the successes of Rainbow.

You’ve met very few people like him in all honesty, only the owner of an Indian PMC called Nighthaven came close, but it was in your experience that these kind of people had very little tolerance for mistakes and even lesser time for a problem like you. 

No, Harry wouldn’t bother with you unless he was forced to. In your head there was no shadow of a doubt that the man was still sore that you had been thrust upon his team, especially considering each member of the unit to this day had been so carefully vetted by himself and the old Six. 

_ ‘It would explain why he’s never come to evaluate you, or summoned you to his office like he does with the others?’ _

Admittedly, that bothered you, taking you back to your early days in the military as a fresh faced rook looking to make Captain. You’d always been a thorn in the side of leadership, somethings never change you guess. 

**_Are you actually jealous? Since when do we need approval?_ **

This nagging little voice in your head was starting to become a problem. When you weren’t talking to yourself your brain was, like it was its own separate entity. The Docs back at base would have a field day if they knew just how fucked you were. 

**_Like they would even care. They practically threw you away._ **

You don’t knock on in the end because clearly your mind wanted to be chaotic. So you move on, walking in tense silence across the runway with your hands in your pockets, gaze facing downward to the tarmac. 

It’s mid February so the air is quite cold, so cold that you can even see your breath mist the air in front of you. 

Hopefully the roads are clear tonight so the team can all get home safe, black ice is a bitch around here and it was only last week that one of the trucks came off the road and into a ditch. No one was hurt, luckily, but you don’t want to entertain the thought of it happening again because that luck won’t carry. People have died in safer circumstances. 

**_Why do you even care?_ **

“Will you just shut the fuck up already?!” You growl to yourself, trying not to think about Valkyrie being in danger.

It’s just not that easy though, Meghan has become an anchor for you, a solid, focal point for your mind to latch onto. She’s the only part of Bolivia that you can dwell on for more than a few minutes without your brain turning your body to shit. But she’s also so much more than that, she’s a beacon of light. A beautiful, radiant protector that draws you in and steals your heart without even trying. Even entertaining the thought of her being hurt for more than a few seconds hurts your chest. 

It’s infuriating.

You remember the first time you saw her in that broken down shack, playing peacekeeper between the CIA and Rainbow. She didn’t even flinch when you stepped from the shadows to back up your handler Bowman, your very loaded, very deadly AR in your hands ready to fire if told to by her. Valkyrie didn’t care though, she was protecting her friends at all costs. She just stared you down, almost a challenge in her eyes, and she kept on staring until the peace was brought back and you parted ways. 

At that point you never expected to see her again, but her impression was lasting and the more you get to know her now as a member of Rainbow the more you understood why. 

Castellano was everything you weren’t, everything you had wanted to be when you joined the army but couldn’t by the simple act of following the path of a Ghost. 

Meghan was a god damn hero. Someone that people looked up to. She was nothing like you.

‘We do the dirty work so the world can stay clean.’

That was the mantra of the Ghost unit. It was just something you had come to accept, that people like you were needed to keep people safe even if it meant you lost yourself along the way. But here was Rainbow, ridding the world of evil too but never crossing the line in the ways that were second nature to you. 

Maybe in some weird twisted way, Valkyrie was your way of atonement? Your path to redemption if you will.

**_Or your reckoning._ **

This snapped you back to reality, the pit of anxiety in your stomach beginning to grow as you realised you were closing in on your destination, already you’d had a mini identity crisis along the way. 

“Getting all poetic and philosophical over the smallest of things … get a grip.”

Just a few yards ahead now was the small office building where Doc, Lion and Finka triaged wounded operators. It had been laying dormant for the past month or so during the quiet period, but not tonight. All the lights were on and you could hear the music playing through the half open window.

Why Finka was here working and not out drinking with the rest of them was a mystery to you, but with how close you came to a panic attack today you were grateful for that fact. Both Nokk and Valkyrie seemed confident she could help you, so you had to give her a chance.

The music got louder then and you vaguely recognised the tune as being an old pop song that was popular in the 90’s. It sounded as though Finka might have been singing along, but if she was then her voice was muffled. It kept getting louder too, almost as though she was trying to blow out the speaker.

You didn’t even bother knocking, not much point when she wouldn’t hear, you just push through the door and follow the music to its source. 

It’s the medicine store room, Finka is in there counting the stock with a datapad in hand. she’s dancing a little as she moves along the aisles and judging by the smile on her face she’s having a good time. 

She looks happy, relaxed almost. Not a care in the world.

You can’t ruin that. 

Shaking your head at yourself you try to slink away, confident she hasn’t seen or heard you. But before you can make it to the door the music stops abruptly.

“Who’s there?” She calls out and for some unknown reason you don’t reply. It feels as though you’re trespassing and that you need to hide. But that’s stupid and makes no sense. 

“I swear if that’s you Jordan with burnt hands again I’ll chop them off this time. I’m not a bloody miracle worker Yankee.”

She must be referring to Thermite, the SWAT teams hard breacher. Everytime you see the man his hands are wrapped in bandages, it’s a true wonder he can even carry his gun.

Finka rounds the corner all fire and fury, ready for a fight, but the sight of you stood there probably looking all weak and pathetic changes that to concern. 

“Oh, sorry about that I thought you were Thermite.” The russian starts, her accent suddenly very thick but still easy to understand. 

“That being said, why are you here? It’s Y/N isn’t it? Why aren’t you out drinking yourself stupid with the others? Are you ok?” The questions come thick and fast.

“Uhhh, Nokk said I should come-“

“Nokk? Is she ok?”

“What? Yes she’s fine, I mean i'm not sure where she is now but she was perfectly fine last I saw her soooo …”

“Good. Gets into a lot of scrapes that one, strong character.” 

“If you say so … anyway, are you free to … to-“ 

The words are trapped in your throat because suddenly this tall Russian lady is coming closer to you, and though you’re certain she’s not hostile your broke ass brain doesn’t like the sudden movement. 

Subconsciously you back up, falling into a fighting stance. 

“Woah! What the hell?” Finka scowls, gaze falling to your fists as she stops in her tracks. She’s looking at you now like you’re crazy, probably wondering whether you’re going to attack her first or whether she should just restrain you.

“Stay back!” You growl, but the second the words leave your lips do you drop the stance and look down at your hands in shock. 

“Crow, are you ok? What do you see?”

She’s looking at you with concern now, the glassy look in your eyes a clear indicator that something is not quite right. 

“Stay-stay back.” 

Suddenly the room starts to close in as a distorted memory assaults you. The air thins and you ears start to throb, chest set aflame. The sounds of someone screaming drowns out whatever Finka is trying to tell you, you can smell blood and feel it wash over you. An engine misfires, smoke filling your lungs as a beam of light cracking through your cell wall pierces your skin. 

It’s bright, too fucking bright. 

The white fog descends.

Then nothing.

* * *

“Target spotted, second car from the front of the convoy, solid middle. White mustang, front drivers seat. Confirm visual.”

Midas’s gravelly voice comes over your earpiece. He’s on the ridge of the hill, lay in wait on spotter duty. To his left lies Weaver, your squads crackshot and expert sniper. He’s looking down the barrel of his rifle, waiting for your call to engage. 

You and Holt are only a short way ahead with the makeshift blockade in place. Both of you are watching the drone screen, Axew flying high above the convoy so you can keep track of it’s direction. 

In less than 5 minutes it will pull out onto a road that will put it directly into the kill box your squad has set up. There will be no survivors, no one left to witness. 

One target, a fuck tonne of collateral. 

“Copy visual, we see him.” Holt comms back, the two of you immediately falling back to your positions. 

“You guys ready for the party?” Weaver pipes up. You can practically hear the sound of his scope aligning with the poor Santa Blanca pricks head.

“We’ll bring the pain, you bring the noise.” You comm back with a small chuckle at the end, because of course this is funny to you. Not a day goes by in Bolivia that you don’t take a life, only this time it will be deeply satisfying and very much deserved.

“Target is in the AO. One Kennedy special coming right up.” 

Like clockwork the plan is put into motion.

The convoy screeches to a halt when the lead vehicle sees the overturned bus blocking its path. Within seconds the drone emits an EMP burst that cripples the entire convoy and leaves it sitting pretty like a duck in a pond. There’s one shot, then another, then a third and final shot before the real chaos starts and the road erupts into noise. 

You and Holt move in, rifles hungry for the kill. With all three drivers including the target dead, the rest of the cartel thugs have nowhere left to run. One by one they drop dead, a bullet exploding in the place where a vicious brain once sat. 

It’s almost too quick and effortless to kill these bastards after everything you’ve had to do to just to get to them. So easy in fact, that you approach the mustang and peer into the lifeless eyes of the corpse that was once a murderous general, just to make sure he was gone. A second bullet from your Deagle through his heart puts any doubts to rest. 

“Well, that was a shit fucking party if you ask me!” Midas laughs as he comes down from the hill with Weaver in tow.

“We should have pregamed at that Unidad checkpoint earlier.” Holt quips back, the two of them starting to sweep the AO and make sure no one survived. 

Weaver sticks with you though, casually wiping away bits of grass and dirt from his chest plate that had lodged there when he lay prone. 

“Glad this evil motherfucker is dead. Shame we couldn’t get him earlier, a lot of lives would have been better for it.”

He stares at the target, his voice full of hatred but his face is devoid of emotion. This is just another day at the office.

“A lot of lives will be better for it now. It was only a matter of time until we got him.”

You had been after this target for weeks now, a hunt that had been feverishly sanctioned by Bowman. Because chopping of this monsters head will destabilise his entire regiment, making clean up for this region as easy as firing your gun. 

The cartels human trafficking operation will be as good as gone and the rebels will finally have something to celebrate. Everyone wins. 

“I’ll call this in to Bowman, give her the good news for once.” 

You simply nodded, waiting for Weaver to walk away before pulling out your phone to take a picture for the CIA. The bullet had exploded inside his skull and made a real mess of his face, meaning an already ugly picture much worse. The guys back in the US were going to have a hard time identifying the General through all that blood, but that wasn’t your problem. 

You were just there to pull the trigger. 

“PUT THE FUCKING GUN DOWN NOW!” 

Midas’s sudden yell sent you sprinting in his direction. He and Holt were behind the last truck, Holt on the ground clutching at his head with his weapon in the hands of what looked to be a teenage girl. Midas had his pistol trained on her head.

The way she held the rifle suggested she knew how to use it, but her hands were shaky and there were tears streaming down her face. 

“You killed them! You killed my brother!” She shouted over and over, ignoring Midas’s attempts to scare her into surrendering. As the rookie of the Ghosts, it was clear he was out of his depth here dealing with this kind of situation, his own hands were shaking and there was fear in his eyes. 

To him she was just a kid, a terrified one at that who, by virtue of being young, was innocent and needed saving. But you knew better, all of you did, you just weren’t willing to burst his bubble yet. A few more years on the job would take care of that for you. 

Besides, it was 3 v 1, she would succumb to pressure and drop the weapon. And you would let her go and risk the mission, because she was inconsequential and would be too traumatised to have any impact on the operation. That’s what you would tell Bowman if she found out, you can’t have her thinking you have a conscience now can you?

“Crow help me!” Midas cried out, sweat visibility rolling down his face. You stayed hidden for now and just observed. If you startled her there was a chance she would shoot by accident. 

She kept the rifle trained on Holt who had his hands raised awkwardly in surrender. He was trying to calm her down too but she was hysterical, which made sense when you saw the state of her supposed brother. 

The corpse was riddled with bullets, his torso missing bits of flesh and painted red with his own blood. Your M4 had painted that canvas, no doubt about that. 

“Just say the word boss.” Weavers voice crackled through your ear, you could just about see him in your peripheral with his sniper rifle loaded and aimed on target. 

“Crow, please … I can’t- I don’t know what to do!” Midas begged now, leaving you no other choice.

You came round the corner, fully intending on helping him deescalate the situation. But something went wrong, something that your mind locked away from you. 

Leaving only the sight of her dead in your arms.

* * *

The flashback lasted for hours, but in reality it was barely a minute. You came out of it in a cold sweat, the hallucinations of the girl the last to fade from your mind. 

“Crow, can you hear me?”

A voice calls to you, quiet and soft.

_ ‘Meghan?’ _

No, it doesn’t sound like her. 

Your eyes stay closed, brain feeling like a melted ice cube trying to reform itself in a fucking microwave. 

Blood drops from your hands … her blood.

“Just breath. Take your time.”

_ Think. Where are you? Who were you last talking to? _

“Meghan?” You manage to squeak out.

Then there’s a soft chuckle, followed by an even softer touch.

“Not quite. Can you open your eyes for me?”

You shake your head, terrified of what you’ll see if you do. But any second now fight or flight will kick in so you need to be alert. 

**_More like embarrassed and/or mortified._ **

You open them slowly with your gaze downward to your hands. There’s no blood thank god, it’s just sweat. 

“Good.” 

The voice coos in Russian, and you’re relieved to see your brain is still working if it’s translating for you.

“Look at me please.”

The room is dark, lights all off, but there’s a faint glow coming from the voices watch. You drag your head upwards until you see a face.

It’s Finka. 

Of course, you were coming to see her when- 

_ ‘Oh. No.’ _

“Motherfucker.” You mutter when her gaze meets your own.

Finka chuckles, the movement making the scar across her face suddenly a huge point of focus for you. 

Curious, you reach out to run your finger across it, but she doesn’t stop you. Instead she leans closer to make the movement easier.

“Not very pretty is it?” She smiles, the gesture not quite reaching her eyes. At one point this was clearly a source of great pain for the woman. But right now it’s a distraction for you that she can use to snap you out of your own head and back to reality.

“Y/N I’m going to help you up, my office is just down this hall and it’s got a very comfy couch for you to sit on, that sound ok?” 

You just nod, sitting there shaking a little with your hand still outstretched to the scar. 

“Ok, here we go.” 

She gently pushes your hand away from her face and loops your arm around her neck, pausing only when your body involuntarily winces from the contact with your injured shoulder. 

“I’ll take a look at that too.” Finka adds, more a note to herself than to you. You are clearly conscious, but not quite out of the woods yet. 

With ease she supports you to the couch and leaves you to sit whilst she retrieves her chair to place it opposite you.

_ ‘Not again, not again, not again’ _

The words have become a mantra in your ears while you wait for her to return.

“Right, that’s better.”

Finka settles herself into the seat and waits for you to talk. There’s not much point bombarding you with questions just yet, especially since they might trigger another attack.

However when you don’t talk and just stare down at your feet she knows she has to be the first one to speak up. The silence is getting to be unbearable.

“Mind If I take a look at that shoulder?” 

You nod your head once.

“I’m just going to turn the light up a bit more so I can see properly, ok?”

Again, just a nod. 

She moves slowly and deliberately, killing you with kindness. In fact she’s that careful and quiet that for a moment you zone back out until one of her fingers accidentally pushes against a bruise and makes you jolt. 

“Sorry! I’m a klutz” 

“Shit happens.”

You finally speak and make eye contact and she practically beams like a proud parent. Which in turn makes you wonder; has she done this kind of shit before? And if so, with who? And were they as fucked as you? Or worse? 

Your mind swims in a river of questions.

“Shit happens.” She repeats back before finishing her examination and lifting the top of your shirt back into place. “So, do you want to tell me what happened back there? It’s ok if you’re not ready to talk though, there’s no pressure.”

**_That’s what the last doctor said to you, and look what happened._ **

You recoil inwardly at that but remember what Valkyrie said to you atop that tower, and how insistent Nokk was and how insistent she was going to continue to be if you didn’t do this shit.

Something has to give, you have to let it  _ happen _ .

“You’re wrong. It is pretty.” 

For whatever fucking reason your lagging brain catches up and spits out a reply to her earlier comment about her scar, and not what she just asked you like a normal person would. 

Like a trooper, Finka goes along with it. She subconsciously runs her own hand across it and smiles. 

“Thank you for saying that, but honestly I don’t mind. This scar is a reminder of a time I overcame fear. Without it, I would not be here today.” 

You got the feeling that she was saying that last part in the literal sense, but Finka’s bio (much like Nokk’s) was very vague, even her medical notes were redacted. 

“I get that. But seriously, fuck anyone who ever said anything different. You’re beautiful.” You blurt out again.

_ ‘Yes brain, that was exactly the right thing to say. God you are so smart, you should write a book entitled; How to pick up chicks after a panic attack.’ _

Fortunately for you, Finka is a beacon of patience and seems more than happy to just let you ramble like a drunken fool.

“I assure you little one, no one would dare be so cruel.” She smiles warmly and there’s just something so endearing about an older woman calling you that. It brings back a little warmth. 

There’s another moment of silence between you that stretches out until it’s veering on uncomfortable, and only then do you realize it’s time to have ‘the talk’. 

“I’m sorry.”

Finka leans back in her chair, cocking her head with a puzzled look on her face.

“For what? You haven’t done anything to apologise for.”

“I shouldn’t have come here. You were having a nice time, then a stranger shows up and stops that. I did try to leave …”

“Crow you’re no stranger, you’re a member of Rainbow, that makes you my family. We look out for each other here … well, most of us do. Admittedly there are a select few who have not quite adapted to that just yet-“

Your mind drifts immediately to Caveira. 

“-but for the most part we are all here to help each other make the unit the success it is.”

She’s still smiling at you, and though you’re pretty damn sure she’s only a few years your elder you can’t help but be drawn to her like a child to a mother.

**_And what would you know about that orphan?_ **

You wince as your mind wanders to that label, the action noticed.

“Y/N, forgive me for being blunt,and please don’t run away, but … how long have you been experiencing blackouts like that?”

This throws you off balance, no one has ever been so direct around this issue before so your answers have only ever been guarded and vague at best. You pause, brow furrowed as you try to recall the exact moment you noticed it was becoming a problem. 

“I think … I think it’s been about a year and a few months now.”

Finka nods and suddenly her hand is gliding across a datapad that you didn’t even notice was in her hands. 

“What are you doing?!” 

The panic seeps into your voice and she ceases immediately. 

“It’s ok, try to calm down. I’ll show you.”

She pauses, waiting for your breathing to even out again. The wild look in your eyes doesn’t leave though. 

“I was just making notes to add to your medical file, it would seem your last physician neglected to include any observations of your PTSD so it’s important that I start now so that appropriate treatment can begi-“

“My what?!” You interrupt, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks.

Finka just blinks and looks at you as though it’s the most obvious fact in the world. 

“Post traumatic stress disorder or its other pseudonym Shell shock-“

“I know what it means!” You growl.

She sighs and raises her hands in mock surrender for a moment.

“If you truly understand its meaning then surely you know that’s likely the cause of your blackouts? Have you never been seen by a doctor or sought help for this?”

You had, but the docs back at your old base had only been concerned with the physical side of the trauma. Command wanted you back on the field ASAP. 

“No, because it can't be that. Ghosts don’t get that shit, that’s for war vets and rape victims.”

“I’m sorry Y/N but you are wrong. Every single human walking this earth has the capacity to be afflicted by such a disorder, regardless of how strong they think they are or how much training they’ve had. The human mind is equally as broken as it is functional.”

“I don’t care, you’re wrong. The doctors would have told me. It wouldn’t make sense to send me to Rainbow even if it were actually true. They might not care about me as an asset anymore, but there is no way they wouldn’t risk relations with another intelligence unit like this unless there was a good enough reason to.” 

“Look I might be wrong, but I work with what I know and what I see. And what I just saw there was a symptom of the disorder.”

“But- What kind of monsters would send me here if it’s this obvious from the outset?!”

**_The sooner you stop fighting the sooner they will put you down. You’ll serve the purpose they have in mind for you before that though._ **

You buried your face into your hands, your leg anxiously bouncing off the floor in frustration. 

“What kind of monster indeed.” 

Finka agrees. You peer out from behind your hands to see her looking rather angry at that fact too.

“Look Crow, all I can go off is what I’ve witnessed with you and what I know from personal and professional experience. All the signs point to a stress disorder.” She repeats again as if to reaffirm the small signs of acceptance that you’re exhibiting.

You softly groan, face paling again. She knows she has to act fast with you to stop you faltering again.

“Knowing and accepting is the hardest part, you have to do that on your own. But, I can help you with the next stage if you’ll let me.”

“Which is?”

“Treatment.”

“And just how are you going to do that?”

“Well for starters, if we figure out exactly what’s causing the blackouts to trigger we can undoubtedly work on ways for you to help yourself lessen them.”

A spark of hope dared to ignite.

“Are you saying you could stop this for me?”

“I’m saying I can help you to help yourself. And I can provide the duty of care that you have been wrongfully denied by the Ghost command. I will of course need to confer with Gustav and Six about this. Perhaps even Olivier could lend his expertise to the matter if I approach him-“

“No!” 

The word is strangled in your throat, sensations of being watched making you paranoid all of a sudden. 

Finka stops talking and studies the fear in your eyes, it’s a reflection she has stared at before in the mirror. She sees now that this will be difficult.

“Ok, I understand wanting to keep this to yourself and I’ll abide that as much as possible. But Six is out of the question, he has to know what is going on otherwise it could endanger you if you’re sent out into the field, not to mention those who might be with you.”

Her face is set, clearly there will be no arguing with her on this point. 

Besides, Six should know exactly what he’s been forced to take on by Ghost command. It’s not like you spend time around the guy anyway. You’ve literally just had an entire conversation with yourself about just that. 

“Fine. But are you sure you’re ok to take this kind of shit on? Because there’s no way you won’t think I’m a freak. I won’t blame you if you back out now.” 

“Is that what you think Crow?” 

Her voice softens again, like she’s tip toeing around eggshells.

“It doesn’t matter what I think. It’s what I know.” 

You quip, an air of stubbornness about you.

Finka just sighs, she’s looking at you like you are a wounded animal. It’s this exact look you have come to fear, because it means that people are starting to see that you aren’t a stoic, fearless soldier after all. 

You’re just a sheep in wolves clothing, pretending to be strong to keep people from seeing how weak you really are.

“Well I hate to break it to you Y/N but you are once again wrong. We can unpack the whys to that another time. Also there will be no ‘backing out’, I hope you will come to see you can trust me on this fact. But right now I want to take some blood for analysis if that’s ok?”

“I suppose … can I ask why though? I had my physical a few months back now and nothing bad must have showed up otherwise Doc would have talked to me right?”

Finka just chuckles softly.

“If I’m going to help you I’ll need to Medicate you as part of the treatment. For that I’ll need up to date blood to even start the process.”

You chew on your lip.

“Not afraid of a needle are you?” 

She laughs again but stops when she sees how lost you looked. 

“Medicate?” 

“Yes, most stress disorders bring with them an imbalance of chemicals in your brain. They can often cause the attacks. There would be no point treating only side of the problem if the other is allowed to continue to rampage.”

This is a lot to take in, but then again, chemistry has never been one of your strong suits in life. And you did promise Meghan you would try to help yourself. 

“Look Y/N, I know what it’s like to fear your own mind, to have a body that breaks down without control. Believe me when I say I know more than you, or anyone else here for that matter, what that feels like. But this will only work if you fight for it and let me help you.”

You grimace, it’s hard not to take what she is saying as the truth when she has such conviction in her eyes. Clearly this is why Nokk has been so insistent that it is Finka you should talk to and not Doc, or even Lion for that matter. She’s already gotten more out of you in 5 minutes than anyone else has in a lifetime and not once have you felt like a lab rat being scrutinised or a prisoner being interrogated. 

_ ‘You’ve got to do this Crow. Do it for Holt, Midas and Weaver. Hell, do it for Valkyrie, someone else who believes you can be more than you think.’ _

“Fine. Where do we even start?” 

She laughs, extending a hand towards you which you take. 

“Well first things first, call me Lera.”

She rolls up your sleeve. No going back now.

* * *

It’s early in the morning when the tell tale noises of a drunken rabble can be heard returning to the base. Because of how the dorms are connected, via the Rec room, the sounds of people moving about are pretty hard to miss. But whatever’s going on outside sounds like a herd of elephants stampeding. 

Lazily your head lolls to the side, eyes squinting in the dark to try and make out the time on the digital clock on your wall. 

**4:04am**

Since you still sleep on the floor you can see the shadows of people passing under the door, and right now there’s a lot of shadows appearing to congregate together blocking the light. 

There’s a lot of noise out there too, a mix of hysterical laughter (which sounds like it might be Eliza) and someone shushing them (probably Monika) and … is that someone singing? 

Annoyed you turn back over and try wrapping the pillow around your head expecting them to leave soon but one minute becomes two which becomes three and before you know it you’re giving up on sleep to go tell the rabble to keep it the fuck down. 

Maybe it’s because you’re over tired or maybe it’s because you’re still reeling from your session with Finka, but you’re just not in the mood to deal with anyone right now, least of all a drunken Ash. So you make a plan to just open the door, ask them to take it somewhere else and go back to the floor. 

Naturally, that plan goes to shit almost immediately. 

“Guys keep it down pleaseee, it’s so early!” You grumble, eyes half closed from the sudden onslaught of the corridor light. 

Immediately you’re met with a chorus of slurred ‘Hey’s’, ‘Crow’ and more shushes. 

The scene before you replaces the annoyance with confusion though and you lose all irritability immediately. You actually smile.

Monika is grinning ear to ear but is clearly struggling to support the weight of Eliza who is hanging off her like a koala bear. The redhead is leaving sloppy kisses on her neck and swaying on the spot, almost knocking them both over. The German doesn’t seem to mind but she does seem to want to be moving them both to her room down the corridor, there’s only one problem though. 

Sat on the floor and smiling up at you appears to be Meghan, a very, very drunk Meghan. 

“Care to give me a hand?” Monika asks with a smile but it’s clear she’s desperate. “All those glamour muscles make her heavy.” She adds with a snort.

“Hey they- do not!” Meghan sings, a hitch in her voice. She jokingly flexes both her arms and you can’t help but stare for a moment before looking back to IQ.

“How much did she drink?” You grin, kneeling down so that your face to face with Megan. Maybe it’s the lighting or the fact that you’re not quite awake but you’re sure she’s looking at you like she wants to eat you up. And not in the cannibal way.

“A lot, the spetsnaz boys challenged the yanks to a drinking competition. Naturally Eliza won, but Meghan joined in too with Craig and they both lost. Craig’s worse off, Gustav had to take him to the infirmary.” 

“I nearly won!” Meghan beams up at you, a drunken twinkle in her eye. 

“Babe come on …” Eliza moans, she actually fucking makes that noise and now you and Monika are blushing. 

“You two go, I’ll get her to bed.” You grin and Monika nods, turning on her heel so fast it’s a wonder she doesn’t give her girlfriend whiplash. 

With them gone the trouble really starts. Turns out Meghan can be a little shit when she wants to be. 

“Right, let's get you to bed.” 

“Don’t you think you should take me to dinner first? We could go now, I know a place that’s open?”

She bats her eyelashes and cocks her head. This isn’t going to be easy. 

“Maybe I will Castellano, but if you wanna eat with me you gotta be awake for that. We go anywhere now and you’ll fall asleep on our first date. We can’t have that.”

You wink and attempt to lift her up by the arm but she’s a little shit and purposefully makes herself dead weight. 

“Hey come on! You want me to leave you out here?”

She pouts and shakes her head.

“Pick me up.”

“What?”

“Pick me up, I’ve seen you workout. I know you can do it.”

She giggles, and you’d be lying if you didn’t admit the sound disturbs those butterflies in your gut.

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“Maybe, but it’s the only way I’ll be moved. And I know you won’t leave me out here.” 

She’s got you there. 

You sigh, comply with the request and lift her bridal style. Surprisingly, she’s actually quite light. But Meghan isn’t done yet, she’s determined to rile you up in one manner of speaking. 

“You know, you’re really pretty Y/N.” 

You blush, already moving off towards her door. 

“I thought you were drunk.” 

You mutter, attempting to push her door open only to find it’s locked. 

“Where’s the key?” 

“I don’t know, I think Craig had it for safe keeping.”

Fuck. You can hardly leave her there and go bother Doc this early. He’s probably got his hands full dealing with the Russians and the other drunkards. 

“Hey, your room has a bed right?” Valkyrie bats her eyes again and it takes everything in your power to keep a steady grip on her. 

“Uh huh.” 

“You said I need to sleep right?”

“Doesn’t mean you have to take my bed, there’s a perfectly good couch there.”

Meghan practically groans and you melt, imagining her making similar noises like that only with you above her. She might not be able to read your thoughts but clearly your face betrays you. 

“Crow don’t be mean, you’re not going to leave a girl to freeze out here. It won’t kill you to share a bed. I’ll make it up to you.” 

She whispers that last part and makes up your mind for you. 

“You’re a riot. Come on …” 

You push open your own door and carry her inside, struggling to close it behind you when she has her arms around your neck and is looking at you the same way she did earlier. 

“Why are your pillows and blanket on the floor?” 

The question is innocent so you can’t bring yourself to dwell on the answer. No point ruining a nice moment for someone else tonight. 

“I must have knocked them out rushing to the door to see whether it truly was a herd of singing elephants out there.”

She rolls her eyes and gives you an affectionate whack on the side of your head. You jokingly go cross eyed which has her in a laughing fit. Only once you reach the bed does she stop and there’s a moment where you both just stare into each other’s eyes. 

Hers are glossy, bright. You can practically feel the tension rolling out of them. 

“Hey.” 

She smiles, looking at your lips, leaning closer to your face.

“Hey.” 

You repeat back to her, bridging the gap. 

And then you’re kissing her. 

At first it’s slow and tentative, like both of you are concerned you’ve crossed a line. But not once has any of you tried to pull away, to stop what is potentially the biggest mistake of either of your lives. Clearly neither of you care.

With silent permission you deepen the kiss, tasting the whisky and something sweeter on her tongue. She doesn’t resist, instead wrestles for control, and it’s only when she moans into your mouth that you become aware that your arms have gone dead from carrying her. 

Meghan slows down, pulling away with great reluctance. When she speaks next it’s clear she’s breathless, a tangible husk to her voice. 

“You should put me down.” 

“Maybe …” 

You whisper back to her and she giggles, her breath tickling your neck. Reluctantly you set her down, but now the position is even more precarious. You in shorts and a tank top, towering over her. 

**_This isn’t a good idea._ **

That annoying little voice niggles again, but it’s quietened immediately at the soft touch of Meghan’s hands either side of your waist. She looks up at you, biting her lip as she gently tugs the fabric of your top towards her. 

But you hesitate, and she stops, a little hurt in her eyes. 

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re drunk.” 

“Not really.” 

Meghan admits sheepishly. 

“I’m a SEAL, we can handle our drink.” 

Your brow furrows, sucking in your bottom lip ever so slightly. 

“Why the lie then?”

She pauses, seemingly debating on whether to answer you truthfully or not. In her mind you have a tendency to overreact, but she chances it anyway. 

“Because I thought it might lead to this.”

You cock your head in confusion, face a myriad of emotions. 

“You manipulated me?”

“Yes. And I’m not sorry.”

She steals a breath and holds it, never looking away. 

There’s no way you can be mad at that face, she’s taken an unorthodox leap to get you somewhere you very clearly wanted to go. 

“Good, then I’m not either.” 

That’s all the permission she needs now, she shuffles back up the bed and beckons you to join her. 

* * *

If someone would have told you that Meghan’s naked body would be writhing underneath you, her lips parting with soft, unending moans of pleasure and her hands tangled up in your sheets, you’d have told them to go take a cold shower. 

You had her pinned beneath you, one hand pumping in her whilst the other lay marks into her shoulder to steady yourself. It was a relentless pace you set, one that kept her very clearly on the edge of a powerful orgasm. But no sooner would she get to the edge would you slow your thrusts and watch her with husky eyes as her gasps of pleasure became soft whimpers. 

It was a payback of sorts, one for her being such a shit earlier in the corridor. But there were no real complaints from the blonde, she’d already come for you twice after you had finished exploring her heat with your tongue. 

She started to buck against you, anything to get some friction to where she needed it most. But in this position you had all the power and that only turned you both on more. 

Soon whimpers turned to frustrated begging and you relented, pressing your thumb up against her clit. She rocked herself to a third and final orgasm on your hand, you only had to watch.

It took a lot longer this time for her to come down from the high of it. She lay there, breathing hard with her eyes barely open, watching you suck her juices from your fingers.

Grinning you settled yourself against her, lying back so you could look up at the ceiling. There was a little more light now, you must have been at it for well over an hour judging by the bits of sunlight coming through the curtains. 

“Remind me to manipulate you more.” Valk finally spoke up, voice hoarse and tired. She turned over to look at you, one leg loosely draping over your own whilst her hand traced the faint edges of scars on your chest. 

You laughed and turned to her, getting lost in her eyes for a moment.

“There are easier ways to get me in bed Meghan.”

“Maybe, but this way I got you to carry me so I’d say I chose the right way.” 

She giggles and places a chaste kiss to your breast. Your breath hitches and your body turns wholly to face her now, her lips immediately drawing to your own. 

You kiss, slow and gentle, neither of you has the energy right now for anything more. It lasts for a while before you break apart and lie with each other in silence again.

Meghan’s eyes start to droop, it won’t be long before she falls asleep now. A small part of you is worried about the implications of the situation you’ve found yourself in, what it might mean for the future. But you’re exhausted yourself, and it won’t be long before the sun is up and you’re both expected to be up. Day off or not the base will still run like clockwork. 

“I need to tell you something.” 

You start, garnering her attention back from your body. She looks up to you with a smile but there’s worry in her eyes, worry that perhaps you’ll kick her out and ruin this.

“I’m here.” 

Your breath hitches, uncertainty begins to flood in. 

“I’m worried.” 

“Ok, about what?” 

She rises up a little, looking down at you now. There’s clearly some kind of struggle going on in your head, and with you that can be dangerous.

“I, i'm not sure-“

“Y/N, you can talk to me.” 

She coos with all the affection in the world and it nearly brings a tear to your eye. You have to look away now, so you turn on your back again and stare at the ceiling.

“I’m worried that when you realise who I am … what I’ve done … you’ll regret-“

In one swift movement she’s straddling you, stopping your spiral in its tracks. Her lips hover inches from your own but she doesn’t kiss you, just looks into your eyes. 

“Crow don’t do this to yourself. I wanted this, and I’m not going anywhere. If you don’t want me after this then I’ll go. You need only say.” 

You bite your lip, contemplate telling her about Finka and her snap diagnosis. But it will only ruin the moment and you have a chance to bring it back. 

“I don’t want you to go. I want this. I’ve wanted it for months now” 

“Good, now shut up and let me kiss you. And in the morning when we shower- yes I said ‘we’- I’ll return the many favours you’ve paid me tonight.” 

You smile, the butterflies in a storm now. 

“Does it really count as the night anymore?”

She kisses your neck, trailing her lips up the sensitive skin until she reaches your ear. 

“I said, shut up.” 

“Yes ma’am.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this took a while, but I aim to have big chapters and not just filler. I hope you enjoy it :)

_ Earlier that year, two days after your arrival, Six’s office. _

Meghan recoils in the hardened leather chair that Six usually occupies, taking occasional sips from the long-since cold coffee she’d swiped from the man's desk upon entering, an intense look about her as she replays all what she has told the man this morning. 

To her side stands said man, leaning against the old oak desk and staring upon his masterfully designed whiteboard. The board is a chaotic mess of information, impossible to truly decipher to anyone else other than its author. It’s pretty damn close to a visual metaphor of the man's mind.

Right now, your photo is printed and placed squarely within the middle of a section that’s headed by the letters ‘C.I.A’. There are several pins with threads leading from it, but only a few end with any information attached to them. Harry is occupied with the longer of the threads, a pen poised to scribble whatever further tidbits Valkyrie will give to him concerning you. 

She looks reluctant, nervous almost. If this had been any other new recruit, anyone with which she hadn’t fought alongside already, then perhaps her newly assigned role of ‘spy disguised as mentor’ she would have accepted with eagerness to prove. 

This … it just felt wrong. Especially after your incident atop that tower and what you had said to her.

But Harry was her boss, the superior whom she respected and trusted with her own life. If he wanted her to do this then in it was important and vital to the success of Rainbow. And Meghan was a part of that, she couldn’t really refuse. 

Besides, she suspected you were hiding something, it just wasn’t clear what that ‘something’ was and whether it was even a threat to the unit, but secrets could get people killed and those people were her family.

“And you’re certain that she doesn’t know why she was sent here?”

Harry inquires, brow furrowed as he scribbles ‘Ghost Recon, Captain’ next to the pin. Meghans prolonged silence is an indicator of her discomfort but he has to press her, just to be certain she hasn’t missed anything. 

“Affirmative sir.”

“Hmmm.”

He scowls, bringing the end of the pen to his lips and starting to chew on the plastic lid. It was a bad habit, perhaps the man's only vice and something his wife was definitely trying to curb. But for Harry it was just a little tick that helped him narrow his focus.

“Actually …” Valkyrie trails off.

“Go on?” Harry encourages.

Meghan puts the coffee down and gets to her feet, moving to mirror Harry leaning against the desk. She folds her arms across her chest and looks down to the sleeve of tattoos on either side. 

“She did suggest that her being transferred to Rainbow was perhaps a kind of punishment.” 

Even as she says those words she struggles to comprehend exactly what you meant by them. It boggles her mind that the Ghost command could play such stupid, callous games with thier operatives.

“How so?”

“I’m not sure. She said something along the lines of them ‘not willing to put her down’ themselves, she thinks that they want her to die out in the field with us. That or they want her to succeed and come back to them as a ‘cured’, viable asset again. Honestly Six her mind is a barrel of cats, she’s volatile.” 

Harry turned to face the SEAL and noted the obvious worry in her features. 

“Admittedly, that incident in the mess hall was not good.”

“Not good? Six, she almost killed Caviera.” Meghan started. “And to make matters worse she had a full blown panic attack and broke down afterwards. What the fuck are they thinking sending her to us?! We’re active combatants for fucks sake.” 

Harry raised a brow at the colourful language but nodded along anyway. 

“It all seems rather senseless doesn’t it? We’ve had our fair share of unstable operators before but Crow is a whole new take on that.”

Valkyrie agreed with him but remained quiet, sensing he wasn’t done just yet.

“And it’s in this senselessness that lies the answer.”

She sighed, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Come on Six, you know no one understands you when you talk like that.”

Harry chuckled and drew a circle around ‘C.I.A’, the mere action drawing Meghan in closer to the board. She still looked confused. 

“Whether she knows it or not, Crow is a pawn in a game being played between the intelligence agencies. Her role as that pawn? Unclear, but it’s obvious she’s important because a soldier with her condition would have been undoubtedly cast aside and buried.”

That last part sent a surge of anger through Meghan, making her blush when she recalled the feeling of you lying in her arms as you came out of the panic attack. You had said something along similar lines too about them.

“So, what does this have to do with the CIA? I thought Ghost Recon operated independently?”

A dark look crossed Harry's face at that, his eyes narrowing. 

“Oh no, the GR have always been controlled by the US government, just the military branch. Up until recently they answered purely to the POTUS and their advisors,” He paused to study your picture again, you looked happy in it, clearly it was taken long ago, “but now the political climate is unstable, agencies like GR are climbing into bed with the likes of the CIA and Interpol. Their roles reduced to attack dogs and wetworkers for lord only knows what kind of operations they sanction these days. Insurgents is probably the better descriptor if what we know about Bolivia is to be believed.”

He paused to chew at the lid of the pen again and scribble ‘Skell Tech’ next to a smaller thread.

“I think they're hoping to use Crow as a foothold into Rainbow, disguising her as a gift when in reality she is a Trojan horse. All the signs are there and I’ve had evidence to more than suggest that the other agencies want to interfere with Rainbow, take every summit they force me to attend for instance. They argue with our jurisdictions and funding, try to dig up dirt on you and your fellow operators, anything to undermine us.”

The latter was news to Valkyrie, but not the former, Meghan already knew that Rainbow wasn’t warmly received by the other agencies. Whenever Ops were ran outside of the UK, it was always a pissing match for operational authority, and often herself and the other captains would find themselves playing mediator to keep the peace. It was a hindrance that got in the way of her job and cost Rainbow precious time that the White Masks lapped up to wreak destruction.

“I had no idea it ran that deep, thank god my record is clean.” She chuckled darkly to herself, “I don’t understand the hostility though, we’re only there to help. We put ourselves in the firing line against the terrorists so they don't have to. And we get results!” She added with a small smirk, recalling the capture of the WM captain in the last operation. 

“It’s rather simple Lieutenant, it's that exact success that riles them so, boils down to jealousy. They idolise our power, covet it so much that they are more than willing to risk lives to take it. But I will not allow that to happen, Rainbow will not be reduced to schoolyard brawling.”

Meghan was a little taken aback by his response and the determination within it. Harry truly was an intelligence unparalleled in her mind, the way he thought and put things together was remarkable, none came close to him. Not even the old Six. 

“Look, even all of this is true, I still think treating Crow as though she is the enemy here is the wrong approach. She might be here under shady circumstances, but I’d bet my life she isn’t aware she’s here to spy on us. Why not take her as the ‘gifted asset’ they thrust upon you and actually help her to become just that? I’ve seen the woman in action and she is lethal Six, against the white masks she’s a surefire advantage on our field. Play along with the whole facade, let them think they have us whilst revealing nothing of actual merit. We stand to lose nothing providing we control what information she is fed, but gain an actionable asset to the team.”

“Hmmm, yes I can see the logic in your reasoning. But by the sounds of it Crow is too unstable to even be considered an asset. I’ve requested access to the Kingslayer files and been denied, that's rather telling on the kind of operation she was sent out on. In my experience soldiers like her can’t be fixed once they break.”

Meghan shook her head and turned to face Harry with a determined look on her face.

“You’re wrong. She just needs a chance, case and point Vigil. He flourished under our care and is now our most lethal defender. And you only know the half of what that man has been through. Let me help Crow, let me repay a debt that Rainbow owes her by saving Caviera.”

“And if you can’t? If there’s no helping her?”

“Then you do what GR command should have and discharge her. They can’t argue against that if you have Gustav and Lera build a case file as evidence of her medical problems. Once again, you’ve got nothing to lose here Six but everything to gain.”

Valk finished her vehement defence of you and watched as Harry moved away and started to pace, finger to his chin as he did so. After what seemed to be an eternity he finally stopped.

“Ok Lieutenant Castelllano. You’ll get a chance to turn Crow into a viable operator for Rainbow. But you will be wholly responsible for her, and that includes any further incidents or any potential-“

“Fuck ups?”

“I was going to say FUBAR’s, but yes. However you will also be responsible for keeping an eye on her activities and communications outside of Rainbow. It’s obvious you have an affinity with her so I can’t see that being too hard for you.”

Harry winked and Meghan blushed.

“You’re to report any suspicious activity from Crow. I will handle any probing from GR or otherwise on her. Seem fair?”

He held out his hand to Meghan, but she hesitated.

“This feels like you’re setting me up to fail.” She grumbled before taking his hand.

“Oh please, you’re one of the most capable people I’ve ever met. If anyone can help Crow and help me keep Rainbow independent it’s you.”

They shook hands, both uncertain on what the future might hold regarding you.

Only time would tell.

* * *

_ Present day, your room. _

Meghan’s awake before you and sits up, drawing her knees to her chest and taking some time to just study you in your sleep. Watching you makes her feel like she’s being a creep, but this is the first time Meghan has ever seen you with your guard truly down. 

You’re lay on your back completely naked save for your underwear that she guesses you must have put on after she fell asleep. Like this you’re exposed and vulnerable, especially with your shoulder bandaged up, and she finds it rather endearing that it’s with her that you feel safe enough to be like this with. 

Meghan smiles, feels the heat pool in her stomach and the tingles of excitement return when she remembers you’ll be showering together when you wake up. But she’s loathe to rush you to consciousness when you look so relaxed. 

She yawns, a quick sweeping glance to the side revealing that at some point last night she’d fished her phone out of her jeans and left it there on the nightstand. Reaching for it her eyes roll almost immediately at the numerous messages from Eliza and Monika flashing up on screen. It was the group chat the trio used to talk shit about others on base.

**Eliza (08:01): Meg where u at?**

**Eliza (08:34): I’m nvr drinking with u again omg everything hurts**

**Eliza (09:01): Btw did we sing piano man with the russian bois last nite?**

**Eliza (09:10): Hey answer me!**

**Monika (09:12): We tried knocking.**

**Monika (09:13): Breakfast?**

Meghan scoffed, wondering how the hell the redhead was even coherent at that time given she drank the whole bar last night.

Meghan (09:34): Sorry guys with Crow. Going to spend the day with her, catch u later? x

She typed the message and put it back down before she had to deal with the tirade of questions from her friends. She’d already revealed too much as it was letting them know she was with you, before long the entire base would know. 

She thinks on what she’ll tell Monika later and smiles at the reaction she can picture from the german, but smiles turn to frowns and then to concern when you start to jolt erratically in your sleep. 

At first it’s just a little twitch every now and then, and Meghan just brushes it off as you dreaming. But after a minute or so she starts to feel anxious, like any second now something bad might happen, and that feeling is stemming from you. 

You let out a soft whimper, the noise almost inaudible. And when Valkyrie goes to comfort you she sees you’re starting to breath heavy, beads of sweat forming on your forehead. 

“Y/N, it’s ok.” Meghan coos, taking a hold of your hand and squeezing it. When that doesn’t work and you start to whimper again she realises you’re in the throes of a nightmare. 

Her brow furrows, she knows she has to get you out of this, but she’s also worried about how you’ll react waking up to her in your room now the cover of night was gone. 

A soft cry leaves your lips and decides that for her. She lies back down next to you and starts to hum a lullaby her mother would sing to her as a child who missed her father. It worked for her, so maybe it will work for you?

“I got you.” She whispers, gently stroking her hand back and forth along the length of your arm whilst she continues to hum. After a minute you settle, your breathing even outs and your face visibly relaxes. 

She sighs happily to herself, watching you sleep again and deciding to leave you there. There would be no harm in letting you rest some more, the bags under your eyes suggest you need it.

It’s in that moment that a pang of guilt flushes through her as she remembers the task given to her by Six. For months she’s monitored you and tried to keep track of your every move, and to your credit you’ve done nothing to raise any red flags. If you were a spy for GR you’re an incredibly bad one. She’s comforted by that fact because it only serves to prove her theory regarding you. But Six is far from convinced, and Meghan is certain his distinct lack of interaction with you is only making you more suspicious of Rainbow.

Suddenly a light flashes across the room and it’s shortly followed by a soft ‘ding’ that Meghan quickly realises is coming from your opened Laptop that is sat on the desk next to your drone and various tools. Without much thought (and purely out of habit of doing this herself) Meghan rises from the bed and goes to check what the sound indicates. 

The first thing she notices when she sits in the chair is that there's an impersonal background set for the screen depicting a forest landscape, one that's undoubtedly come from the default folder, which is rather telling for Meghan that you don’t seek to get attached to possessions, even if they are gifted to you unconditionally like the laptop was. Everyone got one, the idea being that they could be used for interpersonal emails among the operators as well as for personal enjoyment (they were protected with heavy firewalls to prevent hacking).

In fact, as she scours the screen she notices a distinct lack of anything other than the default programmes. There’s not even a music programme or Netflix. It’s almost like the thing is fresh out of the box. She hovers the cursor over the Firefox logo and loads up the internet, feeling dirty checking your history but compelled to do so regardless. 

At first there doesn’t seem to be anything remarkable, a few visits to various Wiki pages on Hereford and the surrounding area, a site that she knows T’Chanka uses to purchase modifications for his DP-28 and google searches for various non consequential things. It’s all really boring to be honest so she makes to return to the bed when a thought crosses her mind. 

Maybe you were hiding your traffic? 

Eliza tries to hide her gratious porn searches all the time but Monika always finds them, its a topic they have heated debates over. Debates that Meghan herself gets dragged into. She’s neutral on the subject, figures its ok as long as its all consensual and does not depict violence or assault. But just by being included in those little arguments Meghan has learned from Monika how to unlock a true browser history. 

A soft whimper from you freezes her in her tracks, if you catch her at your laptop you’re bound to ask questions and shit will get awkward really fast. But you’re still sound asleep and just dreaming again. 

“Don't do this Castellano.” Valk murmurs under her breath as her hands unconsciously copy what IQ showed her. Within minutes she's looking at a list of searches that you’d tried to hide. 

Her breath hitches as one catches her attention, she clicks on it and quickly realises that it appears to be a chatroom of sorts, and judging by the URL name it's a pretty damn obscure one. She’s greeted with a video box on a blank page, the words ‘user offline’ scrawled across it. There's nothing else on the page, no more writing, links, images … hell, nothing to say what the hell this is or who the other user might be. Just the blank video and chat box beneath it. 

She returns back to the list of searches and makes a mental note that you’ve accessed it 3 times since coming to Rainbow, and for no longer than a minute at a time, so lord knows what info you might have been passing to someone with such a short window. A myriad of possibilities flit through her mind and she wonders what Six will do with the news.

But then another link catches her eye, it's for a site notorious for posting videos with content that the web normally tries to censor like executions and bombings. She steals a glance back at you resting in bed and chews at her lip, recalling the feel of yours against them, before clicking on the link. 

This time it’s nothing shocking, well the content itself would be to a normal viewer, it's just vids from Bolivia surrounding the Santa Blanca cartel. She turns down the volume to its lowest point and watches a few, none eliciting a reaction from her as they’re shoddily filmed drivebys and gunfights. It’s only on the last one that she finds herself enraptured.

It’s titled ‘Butchers of Bolivia’, and starts off as a nice little scene between what appears to be a Bolivian teen in his village posing for his friends camera and a few villagers milling about in the background, going about their day. It’s sweet, happy and the sun is shining. The footage is hand held so it's pretty shaky and judders with every laugh that the filmer emits but its quality is crisp. 

It continues like this for a few minutes, so long so that Meghan almost turns it off. 

But then the sounds of screaming in the distance can be overheard and the villagers visibly start to react to something off screen. An engine misfires and tyres can be heard squealing followed by rapid bursts of gunfire and shouting. The person filming starts to run, so for the next few seconds its only gravelled dirt and grass in view until they appear to find shelter in a run down looking shack. The camera is then pointed out through a crack in a window with wooden slats.

It's hard to tell at first because there's so much noise but Meghan can make out some heavily armed people dressed like gang bangers hiding behind some of the villagers houses and upturned carts, firing at something off screen. There's a lot of yelling, screams from the villagers and gunfire but one by one a single shot appears to drop each of the gang members on screen until there's only one left. The one left retreats off camera and dives into a house behind him.

Three shadowy figures then come into view and surround the house the man has retreated to. It’s obvious they're not from the police or feds judging by their gear, in fact they appear to be American judging by the patch on the side of one of the helmets and the weapons they carry. It’s also not clear what happens next because whoever is filming panics at the sight of them and crouches behind the window, sobbing incoherently. But there's no mistaking the sound of someone screaming, a women Meghan deduces and shes pleading for her life. 

Someone shouts something that she can’t translate and more yelling joins in before the camera man gets the balls back to sneak a peek.

The gang member has a young woman hostage and is holding a pistol to her head and shaking her about in front of the three soldiers. One of them who is distinctively female is holding the other two back with a fist gesture and is attempting to reason with the gang member, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to go the way she wants. And sure enough the bastard fires his gun and kills his hostage before turning it on the female soldier. 

She drops him with a quick fire burst, so fast that he never even stood a chance.

The female soldier then drops to her knees to check the hostage but rises just as quick, clearly the bullet did its job. At this point the camera man starts to wail and rushes back outside, he drops it along the way and it so happens to fall on its side so that the audience can still see what's happening. 

It turns out he’s young too, barely even out of his teens. He rushes to the fallen woman ignoring the rifles pointed at him and clutches her, wailing and sobbing. 

Meghan feels the tears well in her eyes but she can’t tear herself from the screen. If you were watching it then it must mean something. 

And then, as the female soldier attempts to console the cameraman, it clicks. The soldier is you, the others your team. It has to be judging by the timestamp on the video. 

She steals another glance back to you, conflicted on how to feel about all of this. But then a grunt of pain brings her back to the footage and she watches you recoil back from the cameraman, a nasty looking knife buried in your leg. A gunshot sounds out and the cameraman is slain from an unseen sniper. It all happened too fast to be clear where the knife came from, but when she reverses the footage it only makes sense for the cameraman to have done it.

You appear to stagger a little before a van pulls into view and the other two bundle you into the back of it. As they do so your face briefly turns towards the camera. It’s covered by a half mask and the helmet on your head, but there’s no mistaking that jagged scar across your nose and eyes. The soldier is you, no mistaking it. 

Before the van can drive off the footage abruptly ends and Valkyrie is left sat stunned in your chair. 

Her first thoughts are to flee from you because not only does she feel massively guilty for invading your privacy like this, but she's also been treated to a visual of your team killing a child. Rage floods her, her mind thinking of a million different ways she would have handled the distraught man. But then she remembers that it wasn’t you who pulled the trigger on him, but it was you who he attacked first.

‘ _ One day you might have a kid staring down the barrel of your rifle and you have to pull the trigger’ _

That's what you had said to her atop that tower, you had warned her about shit like this. 

She scrolls below the video and reads some of the comments, they’re all hostile towards you and your team. A myriad of insults and anti-america speeches. Many end calling your team the Butchers of Bolivia which explains the title. Meghan feels a swell of rage, confused as to why these people can blame you when the Cartel was literally tearing through that village and killed that innocent woman. 

Angrily she closes down the page and finally finds herself looking at the source of the earlier noise from the laptop. Its an email alert from Lera with the subject heading ‘light reading’. Figuring she’d already gone too far and there was no going back now, Meghan opened it to find Lera had sent you several links to pages on PTSD as well as a nice little message about meeting up with her next week for your test results. 

With a gentle sigh Meghan stopped reading, shaking her head in anger at herself. Sure she had found something suspicious, but the rest was just you beating yourself up and reliving shit you should be trying to move past. For all she knew you were trying to contact a friend as well with the chatroom, the way you talked about GR command told her you had no love for them so it would be odd you reaching out to them. Either way she would tell Six and let him look into it, they had the tech in place to figure it out. 

All she wanted to do was climb back into bed and hold you, especially now that she knew you had finally gone to see Finka and was looking to heal. 

Quietly she wiped all-trace of her snooping from your laptop and changed the email back to ‘unread’ before shutting the laptop down, a headache brewing from having to think so much already.

She settled herself back down against you and couldn’t help the tearful smile from reaching her lips when you unconsciously reached for her and nestled into her side.

Her gaze catches the scar from the knife wound on your leg before she drifts back off too. 

* * *

If you thought the night with Meghan was good, the morning blows it out of the water, once you get over the initial awkwardness of it all that is.

You awake before her and are contemplating sneaking out to go fetch breakfast when she moves beside you and catches your attention. Worry creeps up that she might not be happy waking up next to you, but that eases when you see her eyes half open looking at you, a lopsided smile on her face.

“Hey,” you mumble through a yawn, “you ok? I didn’t keep you up snoring did I?” A flit of concern crosses your face but is quelled by Meghan’s goofy grin. She rolls her eyes and leans in, leaving a chaste kiss on your lips. 

“No, you don’t snore,” Meghan assures you, “and even if you did I’m used to sleeping next to people who snore anyway. Had to share a bunk more than a few times with some of the others when we’re out on ops. Alibi sounds like a goddamn engine when she gets started.”

“I’ll tell her you said that.” You yawn and then grin back at her before sitting up and stretching out.

She stays lay down but turns on her back, casually throwing an arm behind her to prop up her head. Now you’re both awake it’s inevitable that you’ll have to talk about what happened and where you’ll go from there. But clearly neither wants to be the first to speak. 

When the silence stretches on and approaches awkward you excuse yourself to go use the bathroom. You empty your bladder and take an abnormal amount of time washing your hands afterwards, letting the water turn icy before splashing your face. Looking in the mirror is hard for you, it’s just something you’ve always shied away from because your skin is scarred quite noticeably from once deep cuts. Thankfully in the low light from the mirrors lamp it doesn’t actually look too bad, you look almost human for a change.

You reach for the toothbrush and figure it would be best to get rid of any grime before returning back to Valkyrie. That one little kiss had already set you aflame again and you were eager to see if she would make good on her promise from last night. Might as well try and look a little presentable. 

**_A little toothpaste and a hairbrush won’t fix your face_ **

You grip the sink a little too hard and try to ignore the voice. 

Whilst your gone Meghan can’t help but feel apprehensive, so to distract herself she looks around your room and notes that despite a little makeshift drone station, the laptop and some complicated looking tech manuals, your room is rather bare. 

There’s no pictures, no plants, nothing added to the place that would reflect your personality in any shape or form. It tells a story of someone who’s expecting that they won’t be there for long, of someone who perhaps has never been anywhere long enough to even call it a home or to accrue the most basic of possessions that you’d expect from someone your age, like family photos for example.

It’s weird she didn’t notice this emptiness when she barged in the other week to spend some time with you, and even weirder that she didn’t notice it earlier when she was snooping. But then again her mind was focused on the task at hand, a task she had regretted since falling back to sleep filled her own mind with nightmares of you.

She passes the rest of the time playing on her phone and replying to a few messages from her mother, scrolling through her facebook and wondering where the hell you’ve gone until finally the taps stop and you emerge from the bathroom. 

You must be giving her a look of surprise because she cocks her head and grins. 

“You think i was going to skip out?”

“Kinda, yeah.” 

She laughs a little at that, but then the smile is gone in place of a more sultry look and you realise that you're still half naked and just stood there.

“I’m surprised you’re not hungover.” You mumble, moving to retrieve a tank top from the floor. There was just a mess of clothing from the two of you. 

“I told you, I didn’t drink that much.” She admits again and reaches out to you, slipping a finger into the waistband of your underwear and pulling you towards her. All thoughts of covering yourself are immediately forgotten.

She pats the side of the bed and you follow the unspoken command, lying flat on your back again with your arm acting as a pillow whilst the other hand draws circles on the mattress. You feel a little nervous now that it’s light out and there's no hiding in the dark. 

**_She will leave, just you wait_ **

You turn to face her and she’s still wearing that sultry look, looking like she’s ready to eat you up.

“So uh … you want to shower?”

“Not yet, I want to enjoy this while it lasts.” 

“What do you mean?”   
  


“Y/N, it’s pretty obvious you’re going to act all cute now but later on you’ll regret this and try to push me away.”

She had you there, textbook Crow. 

“If you’re smart you’ll push as well.” 

“But what if i’m not smart?”

You stare at her hard now, trying to figure out if she’s playing you again like last night or if she’s being genuine. She keeps her gaze locked with yours, understanding this is one of those moments for you that's a bigger deal than it should be. 

“If there’s one thing I know about you Meghan its that you’re not dumb. But you are a master manipulator judging by how easy you got into my pants last night so I guess I'll have my work cut out for me trying to keep you away.” You smirk up at her and she has the good sense to at least look a little sheepish at being called out. 

“What if I want this and I’m willing to fight you for it?”

“I’d say you won't win out of pride, but we both know you will. I’ve not been able to get you out of my head for a long, long time now.”

That last admission was apparently all you two needed to break the sexual tension. Her lips were on yours in an instant, and what started out as small, quiet kisses soon deepened and became intense. She was quick to straddle you, never once breaking the kiss, and whilst one hand cupped your cheek the other lightly cut a line down your chest until she reached your waist. 

“You’ve been in mine as well,” she whispers, “we can figure out what we are later though.”

You bucked, a soft moan escaping as she dipped under the cotton and gently stroked your heat. 

“Fuck thats hot, keep going” She encouraged, pulling away for a split second to watch you react to her probing for entrance to your core. No sooner did she push in did her lips return to yours, only this time she bit down and elicited the most lustful moan from your lips. 

You whimpered, trying to buck against her to get friction but Meghan was strong. She held you there, trailing kisses up and down your neck whilst her fingers slowly, mercilessly pumped in and out of you. Her lips were hot like fire and you had to close your eyes from the heat, but she didn’t want that.

“Open your eyes Y/N.” Meghan commanded but you disobeyed. So she leant in again and kissed your neck, getting the spot nice and wet before she took the flesh between her teeth and sucked. 

You went wild, back arching immediately in response to the sensual pain and your eyes flew open.

“Good girl.” Meghan cooed and you fucking melted. She rewarded you by pushing deeper into you, adding a third finger whilst her tongue worked its magic on your mouth again. She kept the pace relentless but slow, deliberately teasing you to the edge of a climax and then stopping before you could breach. 

After the fifth (or was it the sixth?) time you were a quivering mess, panting and shivering, held together only by her arms at that moment. 

“Stop …” You cried out as she once again removed her fingers and waited for you to settle down.

“Stop what?” Meghan smirked, her breath hot against your neck. 

You growled, seizing the opportunity to capture her mouth again only this time you bit her lip. She reacted as expected and kissed you feverishly, returning the pressure to exactly where you needed it.

“Oh you sly little fuck!” Meghan grinned realising you had played her, “but i think we should wrap this up so i can go eat you out in the shower.” 

She pulled away and removed her fingers, sitting up atop you and taking the time to suck each digit one clean. 

“You’re bossy, anyone ever tell you that?” You growled, eyes wide as she quickly placed her hand against your side and raked her nails across the sensitive skin. 

“Maybe, now come on. We’ve got about an hour before Eliza brings her launcher to take down your door.” 

And with that she clambered off you and practically skipped into the bathroom, leaving you high and dry. That is, until you joined her in there. 

* * *

It was the longest shower of your life, and by the end of it you could barely stand. Meghan had a silver tongue both in and out of the bed, she rocked you that hard that you lost all sense of yourself and nearly passed out from the exertion of a third orgasm. If it hadn’t been for her catching you you both would have been sat in the medbay trying to explain how you managed to cut your head on the tiles. 

Luckily those muscles were in fact not just for glamour as Monika had suggested last night. Only once you had come down (her gently kissing you the entire time) did she excuse herself from the shower and leave you to finish cleaning yourself up. 

Now she was sitting on the bed again, clad in your hoodie and pajama shorts with your medkit laid out on the sheets, waiting to redress your shoulder before proposing the idea she had next. 

You emerged, running a towel through your hair as you opened the drawers of the dresser to retrieve some clothing. 

“I can feel your eyes on me.” You quip as you dress, leaving only your top uncovered and moving to take a seat next to her, “What’s up?”

Meghan scoffs and ignores you, wasting no time in cleaning the cut and setting about bandaging it again. Only once shes done and you finish dressing does she answer. 

“I was wondering-”

**_Oh god, hear it comes_ **

“- If you’d like to come with me today, off base that is. Actually have that date you claimed I’d need last night before letting me fuck you?”

You are not sure what the little voice was trying to prepare you for then, but it wasn't that. Relief flooded through you for only a fraction of a second until you realise exactly what she was asking. 

“That’s not a good idea.”

Meghan flinched, she looked wounded. 

“No, please I don’t mean it like that. Fuck.”

“Well, how did you mean it? Because it sure sounded like rejection to me.”

You sigh and reach out, taking her hand in your own. Now truly would be a test to see if Meghan was the anchor that steadied you. 

“I’d love nothing more than to go on a date with you, but- …” 

Meghan softened and squeezed your hand, flashes of what she had seen on your laptop intruding her thoughts.

You sucked in a breath and stared down at the floor. 

“I went to see Finka last night.” 

Meghan’s cheeks flushed red, of course she already knew this but you couldn’t know that.

“Really?” She encouraged. 

“Yeah … but I had an ‘update’ whilst I was there, the first in a while.”

She paused for a moment, not understanding what you were saying until she suddenly remembered that was the cute little name you’d come up with your panic attacks.

“ _ Oh _ ” she said soft as ever, back to walking on eggshells with you, the dirty talk a thing of the past now. 

“Yeah, it was a bad one.” You admitted with a sigh, your leg starting to bounce off the floor. 

“Are you ok?” 

“Yeah im fucking great.” You scoffed and shook your head.

“Stop it.” she chided and you had the good sense to listen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“I know. Now, you want to tell me the rest and what that means about going on a date?”

You let go of her hand and rose to your feet, starting to pace a little and absentmindedly chewing on a nail as you did so.

“I’d rather not talk about it, no. But I don’t think I’m safe enough to be around the general public just yet. Even with you there, right now there’s no telling what could set me off. I don’t want to hurt anybody I don’t have to.”

That last part made Meghan shudder a little as she recalled the video from this morning, particularly the part where you shot the gang member dead. 

“I’m sorry, I should have realised.” Meghan apologised, furious with herself for pushing. 

You stopped pacing and quirked a brow, confused as to why she was the one apologising when you were the lunatic here. 

**_She feels sorry for you, you’re pathetic._ **

“It’s not your fault. But if it makes you feel any better Finka seems to think she can help me, so … who knows. Guess if you do want to stick around then it’s the mess or the range for dates” 

Meghan smiled and got up too, carefully pulling you into a hug and ignoring the way you stiffened at first. 

“I’m proud of you.” 

Those four words slayed you. Like a blade straight to the heart. Never had anyone ever said that to you, never. You were speechless. 

“Seriously, I’m guessing it took a lot to go see her. That and clearly some kind of lost bet with Nokk I take it?”

You nodded, about to explain said bet when you were interrupted by the emergency light in your room flickering to life. 

An alarm wailed through the complex, the sound a shrill blare that echoed in your ears. 

“Oh, that can't be good.” 

Meghan pulled away all of a sudden and scowled. 

“What does it mean?” You half yelled to her over the noise. 

“It means our quiet period with the White Masks is officially over. We better go.” 

So much for days off. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter has been split so it's a little shorter than intended :3

The briefing hall is abuzz with activity as just about every operator on base filters in and moves off to find a seat. It’s a mix of fear and confusion, filling the room with loud noise and bringing an air of chaos as people try to theorize why the meeting has even been called when a break was granted by Harry just yesterday. 

What makes the operators truly tense is that the last time the alarm was pulled by a Six was when the chemical massacre at Bartlett University happened, the very first grand scale attack orchestrated by the White Masks that cemented the reactivation of Rainbow and saw the Agency made the primary task force in dealing with the bastards.The unit had been barely formed before then and only had a few members, but the story behind that day was never forgotten and was told to everyone who joined Rainbow as a reminder of the legacy they’d be expected to uphold.

These days Rainbow was usually deployed with prior intelligence of an attack, sent out after weeks of training the scenario. Because the White Masks up until now had been beaten back that severely by the agency that now the Ops mainly consisted of raids on safehouses and such. Sort of like tidying away aftermath.

So with that in mind, the operators know that whatever this is, it’s big. 

You and Meghan are the last to arrive, quickly you make your way to the empty seats at the back of the room where the FBI and the Navy SEAL CTU’s primarily sit. Eliza is looking a little worse for wear (clearly hungover) and is whispering to a man that you recognise only as Castle, she stops and eyes you both up with a small smirk and you follow her gaze to where it falls on Meghan. She’s still wearing your hoody and of fucking course Cohen noticed that. 

Taking a seat you try to ignore the obvious grin she’s sending your way and focus on the small stage in front whilst Meghan checks in with Craig who also looks rough from the heavy night of drinking. 

Your leg starts to bounce, the last time you were here you were being introduced to the team as a new, unwelcome recruit hailing from a unit that very few had even known existed let alone heard of it. 

A sudden shift to your left puts your body on high alert. It’s Mike, one of the original, oldest operators of Rainbow and the team captain for the SAS. 

“Crow, Valk. You need to see this.” He holds out a tablet towards you and wordlessly you take it, not quite sure what to expect, but if the deadly look in his eye is anything to go off it can’t be good. Meghan and Craig both lean over to look too as your gaze falls to the screen and you press play. 

It’s CCTV footage which naturally means the clarity of the video is shit, but it's enough to make out what he wants you to see. It’s a busy intersection, the road lined with red buses moving slowly along the tarmac and the pavement heaving with pedestrians. It’s not a place you immediately recognise and it looks mundane enough, but then the camera shakes violently and flashes erupt. 

Meghan gasps softly, Craig swears. 

It appears two of the buses have exploded, there’s fire and thick black smoke starting to cloud the camera but you can make out bits and pieces of peoples bodies strewn out across the road and up against the buildings that didn’t collapse. 

Before anyone can truly comment on the nature of the video or question Thatcher, Harry walks in and commands silence immediately. And what Harry wants, he usually gets. Instantly the chatter ceases and all eyes are on him. 

Your leg starts to bounce again, only this time Meghan calms it by very subtly reaching for your hand and holding it. Thatcher gives you a side eye but chooses not to comment. 

“Just 20 minutes ago terrorists attacked Piccadilly Circus, London.” Six begins, the words immediately having an impact and bringing back the murmuring. Mike tenses visibly, his demeanour now making complete sense. It’s his home turf, queen and country. 

Six holds up his hand to bring back the silence and behind him the huge screen flickers to life. Several video feeds are displayed, all showing different angles of the initial attack, including the one you have just seen. 

“So close to Hereford.” Meghan whispers, brow furrowed in concentration. 

“The first responders are already on scene and the casualty count is rising. But the bombings you’re witnessing here are just the beginning, there have been serveral reports of armed, masked men opening fire on civilians, police and paramedics in the immediate area.” 

The feeds change to show the live firefights taking place, Meghan's grip on your hand tightens. Ever the hero she’s fazed by images like these, but you’re not. 

**‘You’ve done worse Crow, seen worse’**

“Prior to me walking through that door we had a further confirmed report of hostages being taken and strapped with explosives in the nearby train station. Make no mistake, the city of London is under siege and this is going to get much, much worse before we can bring it to a halt.” Harry adds, a myriad of emotions on his face as he changes the feed to a topographical map of the AO. 

“The army has already been deployed, their role will be to cordon off the AO and set up roadblocks on all sides. SO19 are already onsite and are attempting to repel the terrorists but their numbers are great and unending. Which is where we will be coming in. Four teams will be deployed today.” 

Your turn to tense now, you wanted to deploy but the anxieties you shared with Meghan just that morning are still prevalent. 

“Team Alpha. Zofia, Vigil, Fuze, Thatcher & Montagne. You will enter the train station via the underground tunnels and will dispatch any and all perceived threats in and around the station. You will be supported by Team Beta which will consist of Lion, Kapkan, Mira, Twitch & Mute. Team Beta will be on explosive defusal and will be aided by SO19 personnel who are waiting nearby to deploy.” 

“Team Charlie will be our Strike team. Maverick, Ash, Dokkabei, Thermite, Nomad, Blitz, Ying, Doc, Finka, Nokk & Capitao. Your role will be to aid SO19 and the Police in dispatching the hostiles firing on civilians.”

Mike leaned forward, clearly ready to move off his seat, and Eliza mirrored his actions. Both looked concerned, but Eliza was staring off to where the GSG9 were sat, Monika turning to catch her eye. You felt a prick of fear run through you as you realised they were scared for each other. 

You squeezed Meghan's hand this time. 

“And finally Team Delta, you will be our support team and will be bolstering the main access routes once the army has cordoned them off. You are both crowd control and overwatch. This team will be all CTU recruits and Crow. Each of you will be split into smaller teams mid flight and assigned by myself once we are on the ground. Crow you will rotate with one other recruit around the Cordon and will be on hand as reinforcements for any team that requests it.”

Eyes briefly flickered back to you from those in the room not entirely in shock yet, you remained gaze forward, eyes locked with Harry’s who was clearly expecting some kind of objection from you. None came, this wasn’t the time or place for that. 

“Everyone else not tasked will remain on standby in the Operations room, I need support on comms and with coordinating the teams whilst I’m out in the field. Valkyrie, IQ ... I would like you two to take charge of that.” 

Meghan turned to you with a look that mirrored Eliza’s previously to her girlfriend. Your first Op and she would not be going, but watching from base with the rest of the benched operators. But where she was concerned, you felt only annoyance. This was an operation on a grand scale and Harry still didn’t see fit to use you where you would work best, instead choosing to lump you with the recruits who hadn’t even passed the bar yet. You are no better than glorified cops in this and it was an insult for him to treat you as such when you could easily fall in with the Strike team. 

**_‘Fucking bitch, people are dying out there and you’re looking for prestige?’_ **

The voice in your head was drowned out by people clambering to their feet and rushing out to gear up. Bitterly, you tried to follow suit but were stopped by Meghan. She held out a hand and pressed the palm of it against your chest. You heart thundering from the affection.

“Be careful Y/N, please don’t do anything rash out there. I’ll try to be the one in your ear.” She spoke with a tangible worry in her tone, clearly able to see the anger brewing within you. 

“Don’t waste your breath. I'm guarding a fence and staring down journalists and morbidly curious idiots. The only way I could be further from the action is if Six just kept me here.” You growl back and she fixes you a scowl followed by a light punch to the injured shoulder. 

“It’s your first Operation, strategically it doesn’t make sense to throw you into the fire untested. Besides, you will be a good role model for the recruits and a calm, stable point of focus for them. Not to mention it's a chance to show Six that you’re ready.” She quipped back, clearly a little irked at your attitude given the dire circumstances. 

You sigh, running a hand through your hair, quickly noticing that you and Meghan are going to be the last to leave the room. 

“Look, this is something big for the White Masks and clearly only the start of what's to come. So you’ll get your shot Crow, just for now try and come back in one piece and keep your cool out there and trust in the others, that’s a direct order.” She added, voice a little shaky but not lacking the authority you have come to know from her. 

Your gaze locks with her own, the love in her eyes almost drowning you for a moment before you snap out of it. 

_ When did it get this complicated? _

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

She slips a chaste kiss on your lips and pushes you towards the door, watching you go with a sickening feeling of dread gnawing at her stomach. This must be how it is for Eliza and Monika when either of them deploy without the other, the fear of the unknown. 

She hates it, but she knows she has to trust in you, and now you have a chance to show its well founded.

If you can come back to her in one piece that is. 

* * *

The helicopters thunder across the murky grey skies of London, a flock of 12 or so needed to carry so many operators into the field. Harry is up front in the lead chopper, armoured with just a vest and clutching a tablet. You can see from his reflection in the mirror that he is stressed, an attack of this magnitude hasn’t occurred since your days in Afghan with the army, and for it to have happened in the capital city of a powerhouse country like the United Kingdom is a glaring error that someone down the line will be held accountable for.

The white masks are Rainbows territory, so there's a very high chance that ‘that someone’ will in fact end up being Harry. 

As if sensing that you’re watching him, the man looks back and silently you both exchange wary looks, like two predators sizing each other up. A stark contrast from the man who so openly welcomed you to Rainbow many, many months ago. 

You break first, uncomfortable with his gaze. Instead you look to the others riding along with you. Many look nervous behind the cowls they wear, all of them recruits of the agency and yet unassigned, and you suppose ‘untested’ like yourself. 

“Relax. You’ve just got to stand there and look imposing.” You mutter over the comm to the recruit sat across from you. He scowls at you and looks away but the woman sitting beside him takes interest.

She peers at you through the half mask, a brow clearly raised under the helmet. Her gaze falls to your lap where Axew sits before it roams all around your gear. You look like something out of a spec ops team, oozing intimidation even without the Desert Eagle strapped to your thigh. 

“You’re Crow, right?” The woman asks in a noticeably thick eastern accent. You nod once and stare out across the fields passing by in a blur below. She holds out her hand and offers it to you but you don't take it, not to her dismay fortunately. 

“I’m Ricket. Former Israeli Defence Force, and soon to be Rainbow pending next week's test.” 

She states that proudly and you find yourself smiling a little, like Eliza this woman is a textbook operator for the IDF in how calm and sure she is of herself. If Ash is anything to go off, this Ricket has potential, you don’t doubt that she’ll pass the bar on confidence alone. 

**_Naive, she’ll die in her first year._ **

The voice, ever the optimist. 

“Anyway, I just wanted to say I’ve watched you spar in the gym, pretty impressive. Would you be able to show me that reversal you used to disarm Kapkan and take his knife?” Ricket smiles under the mask, the emotion obvious by the light in her eyes. You wouldn’t think that you were all flying into an active war zone.

“Survive this and I will.” You quip back to her, attempting to come across uninterested and annoyed but still she’s smiling at you.

“Is it true you used to be Ghost Recon?” Another recruit pipes up, this time the accent is French but not discernible in gender. You’re not even sure who it came from as they’re all looking at you with interest now. 

**_Used to be._ **

“Yes.” You offer up the answer but refuse to elaborate any further, you’re not here to be poked and prodded by them. 

The smoke is visible now, the sky only darkening further as the convoy descends towards the city. Turbulence hits the lead choppers (yours included) and shakes their occupants, one of the recruits loses his breakfast shortly after. There’s a short burst of laughter at that, but then the silence settles over everyone now, its nearing exfil and the start of the nightmare. 

“Ready up.” The pilot calls over the comm and you and Harry both catch each other’s eye again. 

He’s looking into you, only this time you don’t flinch away. 

**_We’ll show you._ **

* * *

Rainbow got to work, earning their upkeep and tax dollars in spectacular fashion. 

Harry’s team setups were flawless. For every operator with a weakness there was one within that particular team to counter it, making them stronger and more efficient in their task. 

Barely 10 minutes had passed since deployment and already Rainbow had seized back control of Piccadilly Circus and were working their way through the many surrounding buildings with SO19.

‘Breach, sweep, clear.’

That was today’s mantra running through Team Charlie’s heads and they executed it with precision. 

Back at base Valk and the others were focused on the progress of Team Alpha and Beta. They had the most difficult task out of everyone there and it was easy to see why. The station was a staging area for the White Masks, simultaneously their killbox and grand stage for the attack.

Zofia’s throat was hoarse from shouting commands to her team, they’d come out from the tunnels only to be immediately fired upon. Now team Alpha was locked into one of the fiercest firefights anyone had ever faced as the terrorists hide behind walls of hostages strapped with explosives whilst simultaneously firing at Rainbow with high grade weapons and explosives. 

Beta was pinned down, they couldn’t move an inch even with SO19 support. How could they defuse the bombs littering the station when a small, well armed army was ripping their support to shreds? 

In the field command post, Six was watching the feed with a look of rage on his face. Intel dropped the ball when assessing the threat level of the station, passing it off as no more than a small skirmish at best, when in fact even his best and brightest were being pushed back. 

“Zofia, status update.” 

There was a tense moment of gunfire before the Grom operator fell back behind a stationary train cart and put her finger to her ear. 

“Not good Six. They have a blockade set up of hostages, returning fire is impossible without collateral.” 

She popped her head around, the camera they all wore tracking with her to show Six exactly what she meant. It was like a wall of death, hostages piled up against each other with their hands up stretched whilst the terrorists used their shoulders to mount their weapons and fire. Any that had collapsed due to shock were forcibly held up by other hostages so that the wall would remain. Save for Bartlett, Six had never seen something so diabolical from the White Masks. But what puzzled him more was the fact they were behaving like this when in all past encounters with the terrorists they had never shown any regard for protecting their own lives, many suiciding just to try and get an opportunity to blow a Rainbow operator or two up. 

A shot glances off the side of the train cart and forces Zofia to retreat back into cover again. She curses in her native tongue and looks over to where the rest of her team is setup before sweeping her glance back down the tunnel to where Team Beta are holding. 

“They’re stalling Six, they’re not even trying to kill us, just suppressing fire.” Thatchers gravelly voice comes over the comm. He’s stood firm behind Montagne, the shield fully extending and taking pot shot after pot shot. Sure the fire rate is constant and heavy, but Mike has a point, if the terrorists really wanted to they could walk the wall forward and force Rainbow back and potentially kill a few of them as they did so. They had every angle covered and more than enough hostages to make this standoff last for days if they needed. 

“Hold your positions for now and do not engage unless you are rushed.” Harry ordered, running a hand through his hair whilst the other adjusted his glasses. To his left the SO19 commander was feverishly barking orders over her own comms, the woman equally as stressed right now by the stalemate at the station. 

Fortunately Charlie was continuing to be successful and had all but quelled the fight above ground allowing a small army of medics and ambulances to push in and start triaging the wounded and covering the dead. 

It was to be the only success of the day. 

* * *

Back on the cordon, you and Ricket were patrolling through the emptied streets and essentially walking in circles, pausing at each checkpoint for fewer than 30 seconds before moving off. On the field she was nothing like she was in the chopper, there was no small talk, pure business. In the distance the sounds of gunfire kept you both alert and rifles sweeping the buildings you passed for signs of activity. 

It was a good half an hour before Valkyrie’s voice popped into your ear with an update. 

“Crow, this is Valkyrie. Do you read?”

“Roger Valkyrie, this is Crow. Request sitrep, over.” 

“Charlie have eliminated the threat above ground and are now falling into patrol pattern with SO19 to keep the area secured for the evacuation of the wounded. Six has requested that you and Ricket fall back to the AO and link up with Charlie to assist.” 

You give Ricket a quick glance, she’s already gesturing in the direction you should move and you start to follow her. 

“Wilco, moving to the AO now. Requesting update on Alpha and Beta.” 

Static air fills the comms whilst you wait for Valkyrie to reply, you and Ricket taking off into a brisk jog back towards Piccadilly circus. You’re running for a good five minutes before you hear her voice again. 

“Alpha and Beta are holding fire, the enemy is shielding themselves behind the hostages but the situation is under control.” 

“It doesn’t sound under control.” 

You quip back and Ricket spares another glance back at you, a little shocked you're speaking to Valkyrie like that whilst you weave in and out of the abandoned cars that line the roads. 

“Crow, you are to link up with Charlie. That is a direct order. Do you copy?”

You curse under your breath but relent. 

“I copy. Crow and Ricket out.” 

The comm goes dark again and you both pick up the pace, thundering down the streets in the direction of where the smoke is still blazing from the exploded buses. The first friendly face to greet you is Eliza, the redhead bloodied and panting but seemingly unharmed herself. 

“Crow, Ricket, you’re with me. We’ve had reports come in that masked men were seen entering an apartment block just 5 minutes south of here, no confirmed visuals but it was reported they had a civilian leading them. Could be a hostage, could be an accomplice. We don’t know, fortunately the building was evacuated by the army shortly after the bombs were detonated so we’re to assume any encounters are hostile.” She speaks fast, moving off to the back of a truck that's open, waiting for them. Dokkaebi is already in there, tapping away at her tablet. Nokk too, only shes sequestered into the corner and seemingly staring straight ahead, her face hidden by the netting that falls around her helmet. 

“Good to see you in one piece.” Grace smiles at you both though the expression is strained, clearly the horrors of what you’re all seeing today are going to carry lasting effects on the team. Just a quick glance around shows bodies covered in white sheets, blood soaking the tarmac and concrete, injured wailing and screaming in shock. It’s like going to war all over again. 

It conjures up memories of being in the sandbox, attending the aftermath of suicide bombings and arriving in time to watch the survivors walk around like zombies, missing limbs and screaming in agony. 

“Likewise.” Ricket responds for you, noticing your eyes are going a little glassy as you space out. Eliza picks up on it too and gives you a nudge with her foot before she closes the door and bangs on the wall, signalling the driver to move off. 

You pinch the bridge of your nose and close your eyes for a split second before you realise everyone is looking at you, even the silent Nokk. Your throat goes a little dry but you’re ok, adrenaline is carrying you through right now and you’re forcing your head to think of Meghan right now. Meghan who will be waiting for you when you get back, Meghan who will be proud that you kept your cool and showed you could be relied on. 

**_Focus up._ **

The voice barks at you, clearly not happy that you’re daydreaming. 

“When did this report come in exactly?” You ask Ash, more to show that you’re still with them and not fucking off to anxiety land than anything. 

“A civilian called it in shortly after the attack happened. The army has the building surrounded but did not have time to sweep it, only call out an evacuation. Now the main brunt of the attack is quelled we can investigate for stragglers and potential captives.” She scowls a little but her thoughts are unreadable behind the tinted shades she wears. 

“I don’t think capture will be on the table. Too much blood has been spilt.” Grace quips, still huddled over her tablet but clearly not paying attention to what's on it. It’s then you notice the cut on her leg that’s ripped through leggings, the blood congealed and dried. A quick study of her face shows lines of exhaustion. 

“We should still try, this attack only proves that we’re lagging behind on intel.” Ricket cuts in, finally having the courage to voice her opinion to the veteran operators. 

“She’s right.” You nod in agreement and offer her a quick thumbs up of encouragement, you’re starting to like this recruit. 

“That’s an understatement.” Nokk finally chimes in, hands folded neatly atop her thighs. She looks unscathed, not surprising given the woman moves and fights like a Ghost. “The time to gather intel has passed, now we’re up against the clock to stop them before they can strike again. Politics have once again cost lives” 

A silence descends over the five of you at that. 

The latter of her statement makes sense to you but you can tell the others are a little confused by it. She’s referring to the captive they took a few months back and were forced to hand over to Interpol because of his refugee status. Had Caviera been allowed to interrogate the WM Captain there was a chance they could have stopped this dead in the water. But no, you’ve quickly come to realise that Rainbow do not in fact have the free rein you’d been led to believe they had. They are just as caught up with the inter agency fighting as everyone else was including Ghost Recon. 

“We’re here.” Ash calls out as the truck slows and she peers out the window. “Nokk, you know what to do. Everyone else, standard breach formation. Ammo up and move out, on me. There’s not telling what we’ll find, if even anything. But we should play it carefully.”

You climb out first and are shortly followed by Ricket, she makes to say something to you about you using Axew to scout, but your attention is on a lone police officer standing in the distance watching you. He looks like an ordinary beat cop, raising no real flags until he suddenly raises his hand and you spot what appears to be a phone or black box. 

On instinct you raise your rifle to peer down the scope, the officer’s face is obscured by a mask similar to what Vigil wears, you start to back up, hand reaching out to push Ricket back into the truck. She falls into it and blocks Ash and the other two from exiting the vehicle. 

“Crow what do you see?” Nokk demands.

You slam the door shut on them as you realise what's about to happen. The car nearest to the truck is low to the ground, like it’s over encumbered and struggling to keep up on it tyres. The cop makes a ‘shh’ gesture in your direction that has you backing up. But there's no time to hide. 

You aim at him and pull the trigger. The bullet barely ripped from the barrel when a loud roar pierces your ears and sends the Truck you’ve locked them in hurtling over. Intense heat licks its way up your body as you’re thrown far from the others and hit the tarmac, skidding along until the explosive force loses its strength and deposits you roughly against the wheels of a car. 

Your head hits the metal with a sickening crunch… and then nothing. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :3 And thank you for the continued support!

“You’re stalling, Ortega.” 

“Sssorry, the code … it’s encrypted to me - tttakes time to copy.”

Ortega, a young man from the south side of London with the mind of a genius, stutters in fear as his captors leer over him, watching his every move. He can feel the barrel of the AK digging into his back, his breathing heavy as sweaty hands glide across the laptop that once belonged to his friend.

That friend?

She lays face down in a pool of her own blood, barely even a meter away from him. Her name was Savant … well, her web handle was, turns out her real name was Emily Whitnal. She was a talented coder, a close rival to Ortega himself, and she had seen herself as something like an ethical hacker, targeting those who need not want for anything to give back to those who had nothing. 

A real 21st century Robin Hood. 

She was beloved in Anonymous (the shadowed group of Hacktivists), known as a force for good and a guiding hand to all who called themselves a free thinker in this world of sheep and cattle.

But now she lies dead, viciously murdered because he had fucked up, involving her in a data heist that was destined for trouble from the start, only he didn’t know that at the time. He couldn’t possibly have known it would lead to this.

The leader of his captors paces the room, breathing softly behind the hardened mask that conceals his identity, and perhaps something more. It’s unclear to Ortega, he’s never seen this brute without it, but there were whispers that the man had heard from his cell when he was first taken. Whispers from other captives that this man is the dangerous, unhinged attack dog that they sent in to break those who wouldn’t talk. 

Ortega believed them, he was already terrified and this was only the second time he’d been placed under his charge. 

“I want you to look at this woman Ortega and remember her blood is on your hands. You were careless to try and fool The Shrike once, attempt to do it again now and I’ll make sure that your end is slow, drawn out and woefully agonising. You’ll be begging me to kill you when I start.” 

Ortega whimpers, piss running down his leg as his body shakes in fear and he loses control of his bladder. 

The other two at his back start to laugh, their voices distorted by the masks they wear. The one training the AK on him pushes the barrel into his back even harder, finger ghosting over the trigger. 

“Ppppleasee I’m going- it’s nearly done.” He cries freely, hands barely able to type anymore but somehow the threat of the torture keeps them working.

Another of his captors, one who had previously stayed outside of the apartment on watch, jogged in and went straight for the leader. She was smaller than the others, hands wrapped in bandages, smelling like petrol. 

“I parked the car right outside, should provide a big enough explosion to cover our exit.” She starts, standing at attention but easing when the man holds out a hand to her. “We should look at extracting soon, our men won’t be able to hold Rainbow at the station for long and there was chatter on their radio about this building. They will send a team to investigate and I can’t guarantee our extraction window will hold if we stay any longer sir.” 

“Relax. Our friend Ortega is done now, aren’t you?” He asks, a sinister tone to his voice. 

Ortega nods weakly, removing the harddrive from the laptop and offering it to him with shaky hands. He fumbles, the small box falling to the flood and landing in Savants blood. 

The female captor hits him upside his head with her pistol and motions for him to pick it up. But as he does the masked leader’s radio comes to life. A frantic voice on the other end. 

“Reaver, you have a Rainbow team coming to your location right now. You need to extract.” 

Reaver chuckles, like moths to a flame they arrive as expected. A little fast though, so he’ll have to fly this one close to the curve.

“Get the car ready, we’ll be right outside.” 

He nods once, his men immediately going to work. One grabs Ortega and drags him to the door, the other throws a match onto the curtains they had soaked in petrol earlier and the female hands him the detonator for the bomb she parked outside. 

They flee the apartment at a military trained pace, putting them out on the pavement and approaching their stolen police van just as the armoured one carrying their enemy comes into view.

“Shit. How are we playing this?” The female asks, a small sneer beneath her mask, clearly eager for the kill. 

“Load up, I’ve got this.” 

Reaver commands his men before stepping away from the getaway van and into the road, approaching the truck with narrowed eyes carefully trained on the bomb it's nearing.

It parks exactly where he expects it too, fortune favouring his plan as he notes that they’ve only sent the one team. The distraction at the train station has worked well to divide their time and keep them on their toes.

Bodies start to come out of the truck, he raises his hand and goes to detonate, stalling for just a moment to wait for them all to get out so the bomb will have maximum impact. But something is wrong, the first to leave has barely been on the pavement for 10 seconds and yet they’re pushing their teammate back into the van, seemingly looking right at him through the scope of their weapon. 

Reaver quickly realises he’s been made. It fills him with shock, the soldiers' reflexes are clearly well tuned and above the standard they’ve come to expect from Rainbow. The police uniform he disguised himself in should have been enough to fool initial glances. 

But it’s too late for them anyway, unable to stop himself he makes a crude gesture in their direction and presses the button. A bullet tears through his arm and knocks him back before he can watch the explosion do it’s work however. 

He’s back on his feet quickly, unchecked rage boiling over when he sees the attentive soldier had not only managed to hit him, but also had saved the other bastards from the explosion. Their truck didn’t even look damaged from the impact, just knocked onto its side. 

“Sir, where are you?” The female calls out over his radio but he ignores her, running towards the stricken truck with the intention of killing its occupants. It will be easy, one quickfire burst should take care of them. 

But as he gets there, the one who had suffered the impact makes a noise from where they are laying. 

“Still alive? Impressive.” Reaver calls out, unholstering his pistol and storming over to them to finish the job whilst those in the truck try to kick their way out of the broken door. He gets to the Rainbow scum and is about to fire when his eye catches the face of the fallen. 

She’s conscious, barely, looking up to him with pain in her eyes but fire too. Defiant in the face of her imminent death. He’s not even sure whether she’s truly aware of her surroundings right now, maybe this look is just instinct to her mind. It doesn’t matter though, that impact will have done it’s damage regardless of how armoured she is, it would be a mercy to kill her quickly.

But Reaver can’t pull the trigger all of a sudden, instead he seems rooted to the spot. Her helplessness is not what stops him from killing her. It’s the shock at seeing a ghost … literally.

“Crow,” he whispers, voice barely audible through the mask. 

She doesn’t react, just continues to stare at him as though she’s looking right through him. She’s shaking, the adrenaline can only stop her from feeling so much. 

He holsters his weapon and makes to pick her up, logic no longer governing his actions. But before he can try to take her away, the door to the armoured truck finally gives in and the Operators inside scramble out. 

“Fuck.”

He knows his disguise won’t get past them, the mask a dead giveaway that something is off.

“Get away from her! On your fucking knees!” One of them shouts to him and starts to approach, he ducks and drops a flashbang to startle them. It buys him enough time to quickly tear off her mask and pocket it. 

“Survive. I’ll come back for you I promise.” He coos to her, stroking her cheek with his thumb. She shudders, hand reaching up to stop him but there's no strength. It falls back down and her head lolls to the side. 

He flees, dodging the few shots that are fired at him by the one who recovered quickest. He steals a glance back to find he’s not being pursued, the soldier who hides behind the netting has been called back to attend to the fallen. 

The Police Van screeches round the corner and cuts him off, his team quickly pulling him into the back as the driver floors it, sirens on and blaring. Despite how close they cut it, the vehicle miraculously gets through every checkpoint like planned. No one dares to speak until they are finally in the clear and on the way to the extraction point.

It’s only then that Reaver breathes a sigh of relief and takes out the mask. Thumbing it over, he tries not to react to the blood that stains it, instead choosing to focus on the memories of the lips that were behind it.

“That was cutting it close sir, did you get any of them?” The woman on his team asks him, ignoring the whimpering of Ortega who is restrained and bleeding on her left. 

Reaver clenches his fist, crushing the fabric it holds. 

He growls.

“Change of plan, we’re going to see Shrike.”

* * *

  
  


It’s chaos when you come to, surrounded by blurred figures leering over you. 

You can feel hands moving over you but there’s no sound from their owners, just a shrill, high pitch ringing that you’re certain is making your ears bleed as it makes your head spin like a carousel. You lay back, struggling to breath, limbs splayed out, vision clouds, white spots edging in. 

Weakly, you try to lift yourself up so you’re sitting, but every single muscle in your body screams, the pain that intense that you’re forced to lurch over to the side so you can throw up the contents of your rapidly bruising stomach. 

Had it not been for the armour plating you’d have surely imploded from the impact. 

The hands are holding you tight now, supporting you whilst trying to keep you down, it makes you angry but you can’t act on the emotion. Your body heaves again, mouth filling with bile and and the tang of rust and iron. It chokes you, stealing the oxygen from your burnt lungs until you start to spasm. 

* * *

“Valkyrie, where the hell is Doc?!” 

Eliza barks over the comm as she and Grace desperately try to stabilize you. Whatever answer she gets back infuriates her because she looks like she’s about to blow.

Nokk stands on watch, ready and waiting to flag down the SO19 ambulance carrying Doc and Finka. 

She’s shaking a little, had it not been for you pushing them back into the truck when you did …it doesn’t bear to think about. The armoured vehicle had rolled with the impact but shielded them from any damage from the explosion within. The driver had been fortunate enough to escape without a scratch too, but he was looking at you with the same expression as Ricket. Clearly in shock and useless to help the others at the moment. 

The raspy noises coming from your prone form were terrifying, scaring Ricket further into herself. She’s sat at Nokk’s feet, leaning against the woman's legs and hugging her own close to her chest as she tries to get her own breathing under control like Nokk showed her earlier when they clambered out and found you.

“ASH!,” Grace cries out as you start to splutter, she hasn’t caught you in time and you throw up all over yourself, only this time it’s a strange shade of brown and clumped together. Eliza’s eyes go wide and she shares a look with Nokk, both realising it’s a lot worse than they first thought. 

“Get it out Y/N, that’s it.” She holds your head in her hands and Nokk quickly goes to work, jamming her fingers into your mouth to try and clear your airways before you choke to death. It’s a grim sight, one that has even Grace turning away for a second as the woman forces your gag reflex to kick in and remove the obstruction. 

“Nokk stop, she’s seizing!” Eliza cries this time and keeps your head cushioned as your body tremors and your eyes roll to the back of your head. They form a barrier to try and keep your limbs from breaking, the extent of the damage to your body still unknown at this point and anything further could prove fatal. The only thing they can be certain of is that you’re bleeding internally if what you threw up is anything to go off. 

“Why didn’t she get into the truck with us?” Ricket squeeks out, tears falling thick and fast down her face.

No one answers her, because no one  _ can  _ answer that question but you. 

“She’s an idiot.” Nokk murmurs in her native tongue, a slight hitch in her voice betraying her concern. 

Valkyrie is in Eliza’s ear, desperately asking for an update and trying to assure her that help is on the way. She’s all but begging Ash to keep you alive, as if her orders alone could instill healing powers into the woman. 

“I’m doing what I can, but Meghan you need to get off this line.” Eliza calls back, still holding your head as the seizure lessens and releases you from its deathly grip. “Six, take her off.” She adds, knowing full well she’ll have to endure some kind of hatred from her friend for doing that, but Meghan was too close to the situation to be thinking objectively right now. If it was Monika on the ground right now, she would certainly be worse. 

Six does as asked and informs her that Doc should be pulling up any moment now. And sure enough Nokk starts waving her arms about to the flashing lights in the distance. 

The ambulance skids to a halt, driven by Ying of all people to trust behind the wheel. Clearly they chose speed over safety. 

“What happened?” Lera shouts as she rushes over, carrying the trauma bag with Gustave hot on her heels with his own kit. The two immediately kneel and take over from Grace and Eliza, both practised in dealing with injured, just rarely their own team. 

“Car bomb. She was close but obviously managed to shield herself from the full impact somehow. When we got out of the truck we found her against this car with someone above her, they ran before we could get them.” Grace starts but Eliza takes over, sparing a sad glance in Rickets direction, the woman still wrapped up in her own mind. They’ll deal with the ‘why’s’ and ‘who’s’ later, right now you’re the priority.

“She has a head injury, her helmet is cracked down the left hand side and her pupils were uneven. And she has internal bleeding that's reached her stomach, she threw up all over herself. Nokk cleared her airway but there was a seizure which lasted just under a minute. She got out of it just before you arrived.” Ash reels it off thick and fast, trying to keep her own hands from shaking. They’re wet from the blood and bile so she wipes them down her pants and looks to Nokk, the woman staring up at the building they had planned to investigate. 

“We have a situation.” Nokk calls out and Ash notices exactly what she’s talking about seconds after. 

Smoke is starting to billow from one of the windows, an apartment is on fire. The last thing they need right now. 

They’ll need to get the fire department in there with a Rainbow escort. Just because the man they saw standing above you fled doesn’t mean the building is safe, whatever they were in there for, whatever they blew you up for was obviously important to them. And it would hardly be a coincidence that it was on fire moments after you got there. It could be booby trapped, the whole place rigged to blow. 

After today, anything was possible for the Terrorists. 

Naturally Nokk’s mind is working faster than Eliza’s, she’s already on the comm to Six relaying what they’ll need. She plans to lead the insertion team herself, the rage at being forced to let your attempted killer go fueling her. Whatever they were up to in there she needs to know, more so she can use it to hunt the bastard and kill them. 

Before anyone can move forward with revenge plans however, you wake again. Between Doc’s stim formulae and Finka’s nanobots they’ve managed to at least stabilize you, now it’s a case of waiting for the medevac chopper to show up. 

“Crow, can you hear me?” Gustave asks, clicking either side of your ears to check for a reaction. You groan in response which is good enough for that test. “Can you move your fingers and toes?” He adds, everyone silently watching in fearful anticipation. 

No response. 

“Crow, try to move your hands.” Lera tries now, pinching against the skin to try and elicit a reaction to the pain. 

Still, nothing. 

Ricket grips her head tighter, Nokk finally taking enough pity to offer her some comfort though it's clearly reluctant. Eliza, Siu and Grace share a dark look. In the distance the sound of thudding propellers can be heard beating against the wind.

“That’s not good.” Gustave murmurs.

“No Gustave, look.” Lera responds, a small sigh escaping her lips. Your fingers are twitching ever so slightly, foot shaking a bit. She leans over with the light pen and shines it into your eyes, they’re still uneven which tells her you’re concussed, but at least your spine is intact. 

Suddenly you start to shake again, the medics springing into action believing it to be a seizure. But your mouth opens under the oxygen mask and you start to make little noises, what sounds like whimpers and moans. Lera catches on quicker than Gustave, she’s seen this happen before, just the other night in fact only the circumstances were not as dire.

It’s a PTS attack. And it’s timing couldn’t be any worse right now. 

“Chopper is here, we need to strap her up.” 

With the help of the others they get you onto a stretcher and start securing you to be airlifted, but whatever you’re seeing in your head must be terrifying. You react violently, starting to thrash against the restraints and aggravate injuries both known and unknown. 

“Crow, calm down!” Eliza tries, helping Lera to hold your legs still but she struggles under the newfound strength. You start to choke again and gasp for breath prompting Gustave to remove the mask to check for more vomit, but there’s none, just a steady trickle of blood from where you’ve bit your lip during the fit. 

“We need to sedate her.” Gustave announces, holding the mask against your face. It’s a last resort, they need you as conscious as possible so they can assess you quicker but you’re trapped in the throes of a waking nightmare that shows no signs that it will relinquish its hold. 

“Wait,” Lera holds up a hand to stop him, all of a sudden remembering a name you had called out when you had blacked out in her office, “Get Valkyrie on my comm now,” She points to Eliza who looks a mix of scared and confused but relents anyway, her hand going to her ear as she steps off to make the request to Six. 

A few more seconds pass and you’re still struggling to breath, Gustave murmuring encouragement to you, fighting the instinct to just sedate and intubate you. 

“I’ve got Valkyrie, she should be coming directly through to you.” Ash announces and returns to your side, holding down your legs again.

“Meghan, it’s Lera,” She starts, already removing your damaged earpiece and setting it aside, “I need you to do something for me. Just trust me.”

* * *

  
  


Back at the base Meghan was in the medbay, barking orders to the staff to set up and await the return of the chopper that will carry you, a wild look in her eyes. She’s fighting off the intense dread that's filling her from head to toe, dread that started the moment Six announced you were deploying. 

Of all people to be injured, it just had to be you. And what made it worse was that she had sat there and watched it happen, your feed only being cut by the explosion itself. You just had to be the fucking hero. 

She understood why Eliza had her removed from the comm, her focus had been singular and erratic marking her useless to the other teams on the ground. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t pissed about it, Monika had sheepishly kicked her out of the operations room and left her to her own thoughts and they were running rampant. 

She thought on the night you had shared together, she thought on the feel of your body pressed against her own. And then her mind took her to darker places, images she’d rather not think on but couldn’t help it. She was just about going insane for a woman she hadn’t even scratched the surface with yet. 

“Monika sent me to find you, how are you holding up?” 

Taina’s voice suddenly interrupts the spiral and Meghan rounds on her. She wants to lash out at the BOPE operator for all the shit she’s given you since coming to Rainbow. Pass some kind of blame to the woman as though that could possibly make her feel any better. But Caviera looks to be genuinely concerned, her posture isn’t rigid like normal and her face is set to a small frown. 

It’s then that Valkyrie remembers that Twitch is out in the field, the two are together though neither will openly admit it. She must be feeling awful and just as useless as Meghan does right now. 

“Not good.” Meghan admits, a dark look crossing her face as she pinches the bridge of her nose and gestures for Cav to follow her to the chairs. She takes a seat, leg bouncing against the tiled floor as her gaze locks with the double doors that you’ll be wheeled through soon. 

“She will be ok. Doc won’t let her die.” Taina nods, hands clasped together and resting on her thighs as she too tries not to shake with anxiety. 

“It’s fucked up,” Meghan starts, “but right now I just want to find whoever that bastard was that was standing over her, touching her like that.” 

She only got to see what came through Nokk’s chest cam, but it was enough. A thousand questions raced through her head on why they didn’t kill you and instead appeared to be trying to lift you, but the only one that prevailed was what would be the fastest way to track them down and make them suffer. 

“I understand.” Taina nods to her, rubbing at the back of her neck for a second. “But you need to channel the rage you are feeling. All that matters is they come back, we can deal with the bullshit after that.”

“You of all people are telling me to calm down?” Meghan scoffs, but Cav just shrugs with a smile on her lips and she ends up smiling too, even chuckling a little.

Suddenly Meghans comm turns back on and Lera’s voice fills her ear. Cav looks at her with an odd expression but she just holds up a finger to ask her to wait a moment. 

“You want me to do what?” 

“Talk to her. She’s having a breakdown, I think you might be able to pull her out if it and keep her conscious for us.” Lera speaks fast, voice almost drowned out by the noise in the background. 

Meghans gut flips when she thinks she hears you whimpering. 

“What do you mean? Lera what’s happening? Is she going to be ok?” 

“Look we don’t have time to chat about this, i’m putting my earpiece on her. Just talk to her, keep your voice calm. Doesn’t matter what it’s about, just try for me.” 

Meghan just stands there gaping as she hears the shuffling sound of the headset being moved from Finka’s head. 

“What is it?” Taina gets up and asks Meghan but she doesn’t respond, just makes the hand signal for ‘hold position’ and walks off to the corridor where she can be alone. 

Her breath hitches when she hears the noises you’re making on the other end of the line, they’re almost inhuman and fill her with dread again but she knows she’s has to try. 

“Hey Y/N it’s me, Meghan.” Valk starts, trying to keep any negative emotion from her voice like Lera asked.”I know you’re hurting right now and are probably going to have a huge headache but I’m here to bug the shit out of you. So, yeah … you can fight me when you feel better, for now just focus on my voice and don’t you dare fall asleep otherwise you’re going to wake up to some very questionable things drawn on your face ok? That and I’ll let Emma and Monika tear apart Axew and deliberately put it back together wrong so it only flies backwards. Maybe I’ll let Caviera paint your face instead? Who knows … deal is, you have to keep listening to me ok?” 

She rambled on, pressing her back to the wall and sliding down it until she was sitting, hands wrapping around her knees like she could physically hold herself together when all she could hear was you dying in her ear. 

She took in a deep breath and let it go slowly before beginning again, not knowing at the time that this very conversation would be the anchor that kept you from going to the light. 

“Did I ever tell you that I love swimming?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took it's time, naturally i got reasons but I won't bore you all with them. Enjoy! :3

The first time you awake, the world is near muted around you. Any and all sounds are faint, fading in and out, almost like someone can’t decide what the volume of this world should be. 

You’re on a gurney being rushed to the trauma room, but you have no idea of this fact, it plays out like a semi-lucid dream. 

“-and prep the ultrasound, the patient has suspected internal rupture.”

You’re floating, body untethered from the mortal coil as bright lights flash above you, a steady thumping sound constant in your ear, like air is being blasted into your body in short intervals. 

“-collapsed lung, intubated in transit.”

You want to reach out to the lights above you, they pass so fast you feel as though you’re watching them through the window of a high speed train, but still you gravitate towards them and the warmth they bring. 

Suddenly those lights start to shake, darting from side to side.

“Shit, she’s seizing again!” 

Wait … you know that voice. 

Your hand reaches for the source of it and grasps at the air, you’re desperate to catch it and hear it again. 

“I’m here Y/N, I’m here.” 

A wave of euphoria passes over you as you do, pouring into your head until you are filled to the brim with it. 

“She’s crashing!”

The tingles excite every nerve, inviting them all to dance and you relent.

“Get a line in!”

**_Wait. Where did the light go?_ **

“Crow!” 

* * *

The second time is drastically different. 

It’s loud, excruciatingly so. 

Everything is dark, no concept of time or sense of real self. You’re a body and nothing more here in the abyss. 

“Ready when you are, Gustave.”

The voice somehow comes from all around.

**_Ready? Ready for what exactly?!_ **

“One, two, three.”

Suddenly the abyss becomes a vacuum. Air is being ripped from your lungs, your throat raw from the ordeal of just playing passage to the oxygen as it rushes to escape from where it’s needed most. 

“Come on Y/N, breathe.” 

Machine-like noises are screaming either side of your head, your body heaves in silent fury. 

“It’s not working!”

“Hold on, just another minute longer.”

God it hurts. Whatever plain of existence you’ve been thrown into now is filled with cruel and unending torture. Your body is aflame, the fires ravaging the skin and melting to the bone. Had you the power you would scream violently in protest. 

“Put it back! She can’t fucking breathe!” 

There's that voice again, a light in the darkened lava pit. Maybe if you reach for it again, this time it will end the suffering?

“Just a little longer.” 

An earthquake roars as you’re choked, the ground tremors and splits beneath the spot where you imagine your feet might be. 

And then you’re falling into a silent void. 

* * *

The third time is … unsettling.

After the earthquake you expected to awake buried in rubble. But you’re in a clearing that’s walled off by an thick, impenetrable fog. The faint outline of trees appear to tower behind it, the air still with no wind to shake the branches or disturb the fog.

It’s not a place you recognise, but somehow it feels like home? A concept that has always escaped your understanding until now it would seem. 

Before you can analyse anything further you feel something tickle your knees, gaze dragging downwards to see that the source of that feeling is grass, with blades so long that they almost reach your hips. 

Transfixed by it you wave your hands through it, delighted when it moves like waves of the ocean under your touch. It feels soft to touch, lush against your worn and battered body, it’s distracting, so distracting that you don’t even notice the giant, looming figure awaiting you in the distance until it lets out a bellow, body suddenly moving without conscious command as you’re dragged towards the figure slowly.

You try to root yourself to the ground and grasp at the grass for an anchor, but it’s to no avail. This is not your domain to control, clearly this place belongs to the giant seeking your audience.

The closer you get to it, the more you realise it is not in fact a giant, but a great beast. It stands on two legs that resembles that of a horse, two long arms ending in clawed hands are hung by its sides, shoulders falling and rising steadily to signify its breathing. How it’s breathing you’re unsure, for where a chest should be only a black, tattered cape hangs, the holes revealing a sickly thin body underneath with razor sharp ribs protruding. 

Your eyes go wider, fear soaking into you.

It’s a horrific sight, but what terrifies you the most about this creature is not it’s body but what rests atop its neck. It’s a large Elk-like skull with a long snout, great shallow sockets where eyes should be, black like the void itself. Two tall antlers sprout from either side of the skull, each extending up to the sky and branching off into sharp points. From there hang bits of what appears to be moss and other foliage, Ravens and other corvids nesting within, watching you with beady eyes and snapping beaks as you approach their master.

You’re brought to a halt, released from the invisible pull. You’re so close to this ethereal being now that all it would take is a simple lift of your hand to touch the cape. But you won’t, having the good sense to keep still and quiet whilst it looks upon you.

It starts to speak to you in a tongue foreign and ancient sounding. 

“I don’t understand?” You whisper to the creature, fear rooting you to the spot as your mind struggles to comprehend what you are seeing let alone what you’re hearing.

It cocks it’s head, hooves stomping impatiently into the ground, the birds start to chirp louder in offence. 

It tries again, this time the words seem sharper, lashing at you and cutting your skin. 

You grunt in pain, the urge to kneel to this creature suddenly flooding your senses. 

“No,” you shout now, “stop it!” 

Part of you believes this to be some kind of territorial threat display, the overwhelming sense to stand your ground battling the force to submit. 

The creature throws its head back and lets out a long bellow, the sound reverberates around the entire clearing, seemingly trapped by the fog like you are. But you continue to stand your ground, you can not submit. 

“NO.” You roar again, hands bawling up into fists, exerting your own pressure now. 

It’s bellows get louder, a slender, clawed hand reaching out to your face, trying to grab hold of you. But it can’t, some unseen force puts up a wall between you that even the creature’s corvids can not get passed, they charge it relentlessly only to collide with it and collapse to the ground, flailing about, never to rise again. 

This gives the creature pause, it’s hollow sockets pointed to the ground to its flock before it drags back up to you. It cocks it’s head again and seemingly studies you, and at that moment you know to hold it’s gaze and challenge it with as much strength as you can, allowing your will for control and unbridled fury to add to the mix. 

It’s a tense few moments, your vision beginning to tunnel, a breath held for an eternity until it seems to relax, lowering its stance.

“Very well, my child. Return to the hunt with my blessing,” It snorts, apparently now capable of communicating with you, before bowing to you for a brief moment, foliage falling from its antlers as it does so, “but know this, you will answer my call to roost one day.”

Before you can respond, the fog rushes in and envelops you, pulling you to the ground where you sink into it, the grass wrapping all around you to hold you there until the fog can swallow you whole.

You’ll never recall this meeting with your God.

* * *

It’s the third time now. And it appears that mercy has finally been granted.

There’s still pain, but you can feel no fires, no ground shaking tremors and no sense of great loss and fear. Everything feels soft and reassuring. 

A guttural moan leaves your lips, the sound raspy, throat walled off by coarse sand. 

You manage to force your eyelids to part and let in the light, surprised to not be greeted by a harsh sun, but in fact a muted ray that illuminates just enough for you to make out the shapes nearest to you.

Naturally your first instinct is to look for water, anything to quench this distracting thirst. 

Your gaze flits about, brain slowly catching up to where you are as it takes in the sight of machines and clinical decoration. 

_ A hospital? _

More instincts kick in, panic seeping into your body until a low whimper dribbles from your lips. Suddenly there's a pressure against your hand and it’s then you notice that you are not alone in this little world, that one of those shapes was in fact a person. 

“Easy, Y/N.” 

The figure leans in, face coming into view and bringing some semblance of calm with it. 

“Monika?” 

She nods, a warm, watery smile spreading across her face before she makes a ‘shushing’ gesture and slowly points to your right. 

You follow her direction and gasp softly at the sight. 

Meghan is curled up on the corner of a couch, a blanket haphazardly draped over her body, mouth slightly agape with a little drool, body relaxed yet somehow tense. Eliza is resting against her, the redhead hogging most of the space and using Meghan as a pillow, braid unkempt and looser than normal. 

You can’t help but smile at the scene, a chuckle rising to your chest until a twinge of pain beats it back and makes you whimper. 

“Da, that’s going to hurt for a while.” 

Monika chuckles herself and squeezes your hand, ailing brain taking comfort in the action for a moment before it remembers who you are. You pull it back, an odd look on your face that the blonde fortunately takes no offense to, she just continues to smile at you.

“Stupid question, but how are you feeling?” 

She speaks softly, words hard to make out due to her accent but the intent is clear in her expression. 

You make to answer her, but soon realise you’re not entirely sure what to say. You’re in a lot of pain, but everything’s a haze and you get the distinct impression that you’re lagging, like your brain is trying to catch you up but is crashing before it can get you there.

“Help me up,” you whisper, the position you’re in makes you feel vulnerable and that’s not something you can handle very well. 

“Ok, this might hurt a little though. Your drip is nearly empty,” She gestures to the IV bag hanging from the machine nearest to her, the tube snaking its way into your hand, its maw covered by the tape. 

And my fucking god is she right, the pain just about rips the breath from you. You let out a low string of curses in response, each lacking power because your throat is so god damn dry. But hey, at least you’re sitting up now. 

Monika looks concerned, brow furrowed in worry.

“Gustave and the nurse are due to check in soon, but I can go get them now if you would like?” 

Monika now looks at you with a sickeningly sweet smile and it takes everything you have not to melt at the affection. You want this from Meghan not her, a flit of sadness taking hold at that fact, but you don’t want to wake her when it’s obvious from the outset that she needs it.

“No,” you shake your head slowly, “I just need some water please.” 

She nods once and stands, momentarily disappearing around the corner, offering you a moment of respite.

Now alone, you turn to stare at Meghan again, a flutter of warmth in your chest at seeing her so vulnerable. But there's something else there too, pain has etched itself into her face and there are bags under her eyes. She looks beyond tired now that you have a chance to truly look at her, clearly she’s transcended exhaustion too.

A simple look at the machines and all the wires attached to you gives you a pretty good idea why. 

**_Fucking took you long enough?!_ **

Panic starts to seep in again without someone or something to distract you. It’s only just dawned on you that if you’re in a hospital bed then something is not right?

With shaking hands you pull back the covers as much as you can, a low whimper of pain falling from your lips when you see the bandages covering one leg and the heavy bruising on the other. It’s almost a mirror of what you looked like when you crawled out from that decrepit cell back in Bolivia.

Memories of it start to dart in and out of your head, barely there for more than a second, but it’s enough to fuel the fear.

The machine to your left picks up on the change in the air around you, the once steady tempo now increasing to match the thudding in your chest. Your gaze then sweeps down to said chest, fear having you pull at the gown they’ve put you in. It’s the same there too, bandages bind your ribs in their entirety and there's a red stain forming near the base, the place where the pain seems to be emanating from. 

It’s joined by your head now, the dull pounding increasing as you try to remember what happened. You lift a hand upwards, running it along the skin of your neck and ear in a shaky motion until you feel the jagged line that cuts across your skull. It’s painful to touch and feels aflame through your hair, thankfully it can’t have been too serious if you still have hair there though. But your fingers start to check the length and you quickly realise there's a patch that's shorter than the rest of it. 

The information is fragmented but you start to piece it together, gaze locked with your hands that are trembling and gripping the gown for purchase. The memories are there, you know they are, but you can't reach them. The only solid image is being on the ground patrolling with the recruit you met aboard the helicopter. 

_ What was her name again?  _

Asking yourself that is irrelevant and it only serves to deepen the intense, skin-crawling feeling that's trying to drown you.Why would the recruits name matter and not what actually happened to you? 

**_Did the terrorists knock the fucking sense out of you?_ **

The machine starts to yell now and makes you flinch, forcing you to look upon it, eyes wide with fear until a sudden shift to your right and a soft thud makes you look away and squeeze your eyes shut. Clearly expecting a blow, you cover your head and block your face but soft hands wrap around your wrists and start to rub circles into the skin. 

“What the hell?” 

You hear what sounds like Eliza grumbling and quickly realise who’s got a hold of you, eyes flying open to immediately confirm your suspicions. 

“ _ Meghan? _ ” 

You whisper, tears stinging the corner of your eyes. She must have given herself whiplash jumping up that fast. Eliza is rubbing at her head and watching the two of you with a worried look on her face.

“Hey, shush, it’s ok Y/N I’m here, just breathe baby,” She smiles through her own tears, one escaping and running down her cheek and you reach to catch it. There’s a small part of you that gushes at the pet name, an even smaller part recoiling at it too. It’s like a tiny war is waging in your head with Meghan standing between both sides.

She leans into the touch, the smile growing wider as she looks at you with such tenderness. Of course there’s worry there too, but you have no choice but to let the love envelop you, bringing with it a calming aura that quiets the chaos, even if just for a moment. 

“Did you call me ‘baby’?” you breath out, wanting to laugh but it just won’t come yet. 

“Sorry, I panicked. Don’t like it?” She blushes, the colour highlighting just about everything that you love about her face.

You do chuckle now, shaking your head a little. 

“I’m not sure, I like how it sounds coming from your lips though,” you admit with a small, pained smile “keep trying it out, we’ll see”. 

She rolls her eyes but sighs softly in response, more tears threatening to fall.

“God, i’ve missed your bullshit.”

You just continue to stare at each other with watery gazes, like each is trying desperately to commit to memory everything they can see. It must go on for some time however, as an awkward cough and a low chuckle bring you both back to your senses. Eliza isn’t used to silence.

“Hey, Cohen.” 

“Hey kid, good to see you finally awake.” 

She fixes you a small smirk and you realise that she’s heard the entire ‘baby’ exchange, a furious blush reaching your cheeks until Meghan finally relents and lets go off your hands. You immediately hold them together to stop the need to fidget. But something else is on your mind right now. 

“How long?” you finally ask, unsure if that’s even what you should be asking right now.

Eliza shares a look with Meghan, the two having a silent conversation until you make an indignant noise at being ignored. “Three weeks, four days,” she finally admits, seemingly awaiting a physical reaction from you given how her hands hover where your legs rest.

“ _ Oh. _ ” 

Monika has somehow gotten back into the room during the tense silence, quietly making her way to your side whilst you process how much time you’ve lost, she stands there with a glass of water, looking at her girlfriend to try and figure out what she's missed that's made the room so tense. 

She gives you a little wave when you finally look up and notice her before handing over the glass to Meghan, letting her hold it steady while you drink from it. You gulp it down fast, greedily taking in as much as you can get until you almost choke and start to cough. 

“Woah,” Meghan pulls it back from your lips and puts a gentle hand against your chest to stop you from following after it, “take it slow, you’ll end up being sick,” she coos and you nod, head falling back against the pillow. You’re growing tired from the pain, but the need for answers and the fear of going back to the void keeps you awake. 

“So,” you start, taking your time to look at each of the operators in the room with a nervous smile, “do I look as bad as I feel?”

Meghan chuckles, giving your hand a gentle squeeze, Monika rolls her eyes and sighs and Eliza just winks.

“I mean, you’re a bit battered but I’d still go there,” Eliza starts, only to stop when Monika whacks her around the head and Meghan shoots her a scathing look before laughing again. But then the silence returns, tension that you could cut with a knife quickly descending again. 

“London?” 

“Secure.”

“The team?”

“All fine.”

You nod once to yourself, content to know that no one else was hurt, well … from Rainbow at least.

“Well, what exactly happened?”

Finally you address the elephant in the room. But there’s reluctance to answer, each of them sharing a look that makes you squirm a little. It’s only after a twinge of pain makes you curse and suck in a breath that they snap out of it. 

“Y/N, what’s the last thing you remember?” Meghan asks, reaching out to hold onto your hand as though she’s scared you’ll run away if she lets go. You take it and give her a quick squeeze before you visibly start to concentrate.

You look down to your hand, eyes squeezed shut and biting your lip, trying to get past the fog in your head. 

At first there’s a scene of you sitting in Finkas office, the soft hue of the lights and the feeling of being weak, words dribbling from your lips that you can’t quite hear yourself saying. But then there’s something happier, something that brings a blush to your cheeks as you recall the taste of Meghan’s lips against your own, the feel of her body writhing beneath you, how she whispered your name into your ear.

Meghan must notice where you’ve gone because she coughs a little and forces you to look further.You silently oblige, screwing up your eyes tighter. 

With the night before the attack now pushed aside, you try to reach beyond the fog, but what you find there is a chaotic mess of information. 

“Mission alarm, getting on the helicopter, on the ground patrolling with … I can't think …,” you whisper, unaware that Meghan is kneeling now and shaking you lightly to get you to snap out of it.

There’s flashes of distorted memories now, the sound of the helicopter's rotors beating against the air, a smell of something burning, screams in the distance, a blurred figure leaning over you. But it’s all too quick for you to make sense of, rewinding forward and back until there’s just a great blur of shapes and colours. 

“Why can’t I remember?” you whimper, asking the question aloud with your eyes still tightly shut. But the panic comes back before anyone can answer that, the machine picks up on it and starts to wail again. You bring your hands to you head and grip either side, as if that act alone would force clarity, but all it does is aggravate your injuries and now the fear mixes in with the pain making you hyperventilate. 

“Y/N, open your eyes, you’re safe. It’s ok,” Meghan tries, stroking at your cheek and quickly giving the other two a panicked look. They know what to do, Monika rushing off to go fetch Gustave whilst Eliza moves out of the way and watches on. 

But by the time Monika brings the doctor in you’ve worked yourself up into such a state that he has no choice but to sedate you. The nurse that trailed behind rushing to help as it becomes apparent that you’re trying to fight them, you lash out and tear off the oxygen mask, trying to pull yourself up but Monika helps to hold you back until the sedative works its way into your system.

Eliza just consoles Meghan, forcing the woman to look away by taking hold of her. It's clear she’s not ok watching you react like that, she sinks into the embrace but still manages to keep a hold of your hand despite how hard you tried to pull away. Only when it goes limp in her own does she turn back around, half sitting/ half collapsing onto the couch again and looking at you with tired, watery eyes. 

“What happened?” Gustave demands whilst the nurse checks you over and fiddles with the machines. 

Meghan is too numb to answer, the last few weeks have been excruciatingly hard on her and seeing that fear on your face was just the straw that broke the camel's back. She’s tough as nails, but resembles something more like a ghost now with how pale she's gones, how weak she looks.

Eliza takes a seat next to her and wraps an arm around her, pulling her into an embrace. She holds her tight and pats at her back, only now beginning to understand just how hard her friend has fallen for you now that she’s witnessed you both together in such a vulnerable way. She knew the woman cared for you, she just didn’t know how deep it went outside of the superficial until now. 

It made her look to Monika, wondering how bad she would be if it was the German laid out in the bed and vice versa. Monika returned the look back to her, the two silently making promises to each other until Gustave got annoyed and asked the question again.

“Anyone? What happened to letting her rest?” 

“She got upset, I think the pain overwhelmed her,” Monika started, fixing your now slumbering form a worried look, “we asked her what she remembered. She got to patrolling with Ricket the day she was blown up and that’s when she started to panic too. She doesn’t know anything outside of that, or if she does it was too much for her to remember.” 

Gustave cursed in French and threw a hand behind his head to rub at the back of his neck.

“I warned you all not to push your luck,” he started to scold them but stopped when Meghan let out a low whimper. Ever the humanitarian he moved to offer her a small pat on the back. 

“Memory loss is common with traumatic brain injury, and from the sounds of it she has not lost much. Do not despair, I have every confidence that she will regain the memories, she just needs time to recover” he tries to be affectionate and manages to calm Meghan a little.

“Crow is very strong, god has tried to take her twice now,” He adds, referring to both of the times you flatlined whilst in their care. You had been touch and go for the first week after the surgeries, toeing that delicate line between life and death, it had been a nerve wracking time for everyone involved. 

“She is as you Americans would say, ‘too stubborn to die’, so please do not cry Meghan,” Gustave adds, the words not intending to be humorous but still managing to elicit a chuckle from the others, even Meghan laughed a little as she wiped away the tears threatening to fall. 

“Sorry, it’s just been a tough few weeks,” she breathes out and pulls away from Eliza, shuddering as she lets out a sigh and turns to look at you again, “is it ok if I stay with her?” she asks the doctor, hopeful that he’ll say yes. 

“I’m afraid not tonight, we’re going to keep her sedated to let her body rest more, but I can see that you are also in need of rest Lieutenant,” he gave her a sympathetic smile but his tone made it clear there would be no room for argument. 

“We can come back in the morning, Six is still not back from London so you can still play hooky from training,” Eliza smiles warmly at her, glad that she held the position she did to give this kind of power to her friend. She knew if Six was back on base he wouldn’t allow Meghan to have been absent for so long, but given he’d been gone since the attack happened, well ... what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. 

“Ok,” she shudders again and rubs at her temple, the exhaustion becoming apparent again, “thank you.” 

“What's the point in power if you don’t abuse it a little?” Ash replies, earning her another whack from Monika and a low chuckle from Gustave. 

“Right, out of my medbay!” The GIGN Doctor commands and all put pushes them out, Meghan giving you one last worrying look before she gives into the pull from Monika's hand. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy quarantine! This chapter contains an OC belonging to Cai (Incorrect-Valkyrie on Tumblr) and she is an absolute baby who I love already. As always thank you to the tumblr fam who support me and scream about the fic and those in the comments who let me know how much fun they have reading this, y'all the real MVP's. Enjoy!
> 
> (Song for this chapter: Echos -Saints)
> 
> ATTENTION: THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER HAS BEEN REWORKED FOR BETTER CLARITY.   
> Chapter twelve will be dropping soon.

It’s ‘discharge day’.

Affectionately dubbed ( _ but clearly the name not entirely thought through _ ) by Valkyrie for you.

Or rather, ‘ _ the day you get to leave these sickly four walls behind _ ’ and return to the real world, your team and more importantly your girlfriend. That latter part was finally decided and acknowledged by the two of you just last week when Meghan tried to get a little frisky in the medbay only to be caught by one of the nurses. After a thorough scolding (you couldn’t keep a straight face which only prolonged the lecture) the two of you got into a deep conversation and decided it was time to have ‘ _ the talk _ ’ about your future together and where it could go.

Funny, the kind of perspective you’ll gain from being blown up and coming close to death, everything that was so small becomes paramount. Suddenly you wanted to label it if only to convince yourself it was real and you weren’t still trapped in a coma. 

Anyways, today you will finally leave the medbay and start to put the pieces back together, starting with your body first and then with some luck your mind too. You need the memories back, if only to try and make sense of the reaction the terrorist had to you. The others believe it could hold something key to unravelling the reason behind the fiasco with London, but you’re not so sure. 

Evil people do evil things, often without a reason, and what you saw in London was just that. It was paramount that you get them back though, if only to know for yourself why the bastard spared your life and took your mask. 

That last part unsettled you the most, you’d had the garment since your early days with the Ghosts, it was a gift from Midas after you both came back from a month long mission in Lagos, Nigeria. Living with the knowledge that it was not only lost but in the hands of your would-be killer made your stomach flip. 

With a gentle sigh you push those thoughts away and run a hand across your head to feel the new scar that adorns your scalp, weirded out by the fact that only a short while ago they’d cut into the bone of your skull to relieve the pressure up there. It makes you shudder, hand dropping to your lap whilst you look out the window and wait for Gustave to hurry up and stop fussing around in his medkit. 

You just want him to tell you that you can leave. 

_ ‘Patience, Crow’ _

You roll your eyes at your mind scolding you and shift on the bed, prompting Doc to chuckle quietly to himself as he searches for the instruments he’ll need for your final checkup. 

“So eager to leaver chère, please sit still before you pull the stitches.” 

“Sorry Doc, I just-”

“Want to leave, I know.”

He chuckles and gives you a quick pat to the knee before returning his attention to his kit. 

You decide to distract yourself with your body while you wait, staring down to the faint traces of cuts on your hands and consciously feeling the bruises that litter your skin and paint it like a rough canvas.

Granted, you’re not cleared for actual training just yet, a boatload of physical therapy is still needed to work the kinks out of your battered body, rough estimates suggesting a minimum of a month. But against all odds you’ve recovered enough, so much so that  _ both _ Gustave and Lera had no choice but to agree with your overly reiterated point that you are  _ ‘cool to go back to your dorm’ _ .

They couldn’t exactly keep you much longer anyway. 

Unbeknownst to you, Six had been fending off the probing of Ghost command since the very first week you were injured. It was now eight weeks later and they were demanding to know why you were not in the field. 

Why the sudden interest and want to micromanage you?

Six wasn’t sure. 

When you were first sent to Rainbow there was little to no contact from them, no indication that they cared about the welfare of their soldier or even what Six would do with you. But now? Now they couldn’t get enough of you, wanting you either back in the field ASAP or discharged and sent back to them. Something that Harry had mistakenly shared with Meghan when he finally returned to Hereford base little over a week ago. 

She had just about lost it with him, demanding that he not only drop this constant spying on you but also acknowledge your heroics that day. He only agreed to the latter, still wary of your placement within his unit and yet to find out the purpose of your visits to that cryptic chat room. They’d argued some more, resulting in Meghan receiving her first ever ‘caution’ from her boss, shortly slamming the door on him after that as she left him to sit in the building stress, staring at Intel reports behind his desk. 

He hadn’t been seen much since that argument, but with the threat level of London still at an all time high and Rainbow firmly in the crosshairs, it wasn’t hard to understand why. 

Daily the news showed footage of the attack and the aftermath, images and videos circulating the web of Rainbow failing to save the hostages in the subway station. Though the unit was still rather secretive in nature, the inconsistency with uniforms and clear mix in nationalities always grabbed the attention of the public eye, and even though they only knew the name ‘Rainbow’, it was apparently enough to condemn them as the failures of that day and call into question their competentance. 

Honestly you couldn’t really blame them, you’d seen the footage yourself, from an untrained eye it looked as though Alpha and Beta team just retreated when in reality they had fallen back to try a more surgical approach, never expecting that the terrorists would just end the attack themselves by detonating the explosives strapped to the hostages. 

It was hard to look at all that devastation and not cry out for the slain. But knowing what you knew made you wish you could speak the truth, blow the whistle on the politicians who fancied themselves warmongers. Had they only let Rainbow hold and interrogate that captured officer a while back instead of starting a jurisdiction pissing match … well it was safe to say you probably wouldn’t have been sitting on this bed in the medbay right now.

“Crow, focus up,” Gustave quipped, noticing you’d spaced out staring at the door now where your freedom lay in wait, and more importantly Meghan. 

**_‘Get it together moron’_ **

“Yeah, sorry Doc,” you offered apologies again and held your head up again for him. He took hold of it with both gloved hands, checking your glands and giving you a quick pat down before pulling out the light pen from the pocket of his lab coat.

“You know the drill chère,” he fixes you a small smile and silently instructs you to follow the light with your eyes for a few moments. You comply and complete the small test with ease, but judging from the sudden look of concern on his face you already know you won’t like what’s about to come out of his mouth.

“Doc, for the last time I’m fine …,” you start and raise a hand up to him, trying to stop him before he gets going, but he just shakes his head and pushes your hand down. 

“Hush, you can not lie to me Y/N,” he perches himself on the bed next to you, head turned towards you with that ‘dad’ face he’s mastered so well since he started treating you. 

You can’t help but roll your eyes, but there’s a small smile in place, the inner orphan has taken to craving these moments and is sad that once you leave the medbay that’s probably it for that. But that’s fine by the older, more stubborn you. It wages a war every time and can’t wait to get away, it’s well and truly done with being weak and coddled. 

Well … maybe not  _ entirely _ done. Meghan is sure to be offering it up by the boatload now she knows you’re no longer at death's door. And her coddling is vastly superior to anyone else's.

“I’m not lying, I’m ready to start training again.” 

“That may be true, but just because this is ready-,” he points to your body, “-doesn’t mean this is ready,” and then his finger lightly taps your head. 

You sigh in response, starting to fidget a little.

“You’re starting to sound like Lera,” you grumble back to him. 

And then, as if right on cue, she walks into your room without knocking and carries in with her a small medical container filled with pills. She doesn’t even try to conceal it in her hand which makes it obvious they’re for you.

“He wishes” Finka laughs and points to the door, Gustaves cue to give you both some privacy. 

Before he does however, he turns back to you and takes your hand in his own, careful to keep the movement slow and deliberate like the medical staff have learned to react around you. 

**_God you’re a fucking mess._ **

You ignore the voice and attempt not to squirm or react to the prolonged touch, the inner orphan positively bouncing again at the affection.

“Remember what I told you about trying to get the memory back?” 

You scowl, nodding once.

“Don’t try, let it come back on it’s own.”

“Yes,” he nods with a brighter smile now, “and should your hearing loss happen again or you feel anything is wrong, return to either of us and we will help. Do not suffer in silence Crow.”

**_They don’t really mean that, they’re just being nice because they’re scared you’ll fuck up again._ **

“No promises Doc, but i’ll try.” 

He shakes his head again, sharing a quick look of concern with Finka before letting go off your hand and moving off. You watch him leave, knowing he’s probably about to give Meghan a quick earful about keeping an eye on you. It makes your chest ache a little, a sharp twinge of pain stopping you from spacing back out.

“Bleeding heart that one,” you quip to Lera and she chuckles lightly at the comment. But it’s clear in how she’s looking at you right now that she shares similar sentiments. 

Just that morning alone she had expressed concern in the problems you were having with the ringing in your ears and the random moments where you just lost your hearing in general. Neither her nor Doc wanted you to leave the medbay, but you were climbing the walls and fighting them on the issue constantly so they had to relent if only to get some peace and quiet. 

“Messy too,” Lera finally replies to your earlier quip and clears away his medkit, placing it on the counter for him to come back for later. 

You let the silence descend over you both for a few moments whilst she busies herself checking through your charts, but curiosity gets the better of you and you gesture to the pill bottle. 

“Those don’t look like standard painkillers?”

She chuckles and looks up over the clipboard at you, a cautious smile in place before she hangs in back on the edge of the bed and returns to you, taking the same place Gustave did on the bed. The mattress sinks a little more than it did with Gustave and you can’t help but chuckle, Finka is built like a tank. A very beautiful, muscled tank. 

“That’s because they are not for your body pain, they’re for that thick skull of yours and the poor brain that’s trapped by it,” she jokes lightly, accent thick and unmistakably Russian. 

You fix her a dirty look, catching on quick to what ‘pain’ she’s referring to. It’s been weeks since you had an ‘update’, your mind falling back into that false sense of security, back to telling you that ‘you’re fine’ and all that shit. Never once the fact that you talk to yourself, and have like two different voices in your head talking to you, presenting as evidence that you are in fact not ‘fine’. 

The look you were giving must have been a little more threatening than you thought because Finka was grinning at you and slightly flexing one arm like she was gearing up to grapple you. 

“Don’t even think about it, I’d crush you ‘little bird’” she retorts with a quick wink. 

“I mean, I wasn’t going to do anything. But soon as I’m back in shape you’re going to regret calling me that” You grin back at her and look down to your own arms that are covered by Megan's USMC hoodie, stretching them a little. 

It shouldn’t be too long until the muscle is ready to work again properly, but you’ll have the time to get there now that the White Masks have gone to the ground again.

“Well, you’re at least happy this morning. Try not to let this ruin your mood ok?,” she places the bottle in your hand and points to the label, your name in the fineprint along with the instructions. It takes everything you have not to crush it and toss them away, the impulse born out of sudden pride. You push it to the back of your mind, knowing that this is the deal you accepted when you allowed Lera to peer into that brain of yours.

“So … these will really help?,” you ask quietly.

“Yes, I've run the numbers. The probabilities of success are quite high,” she nods and runs a hand through her hair, “albeit, it’s not a cure. More of a preventative, a stabilizer if you will. This will be a long term treatment, perhaps even for life.”

**_Weak_ **

The voice is always cruel, but that was a low blow. 

You unscrew the cap and palm one of the tablets. They’re so small, coated in a greenish tint.

“You will still need to come to me fortnightly for sessions, more if you need it,” she watches you bring the tablet to your lips and sniff it gingerly, “but these will help keep the imbalance in check. Side effects are very minimal also, but you should expect a few bouts of intense emotions until your body adjusts. Nothing you won’t have experienced before, only they might be a little stronger … so just keep that in mind and lean on others for support if you need it ‘little bird’.”

“God I’m going to kick your ass” You start, eyes rolling at the nickname (you’re collecting them it would seem). 

You chew at your lip for a moment and then swallow the tablet, “Thank you, you know …-” you gesture quickly to yourself and around the room “- for everything.”

Finka nods again and clasps her hands together before giving you a rough pat to the shoulder and standing. 

“No need Crow, you saved some of my family that day, I won't forget that,” she fixes you a warm smile that lights up her whole face, “and you’re family too, we look after our own.”

**_No family, all alone._ **

You shake your head a little before pocketing the pills and standing also. 

“Now … please go and see Meghan before she breaks down this door.”

You chuckle, the blush rising to your cheeks, clearly there's few that don’t know about the two of you now. And it should worry you given your trainwreck history of relationships, but maybe this time it will be different and you can protect Valkyrie. 

**_You couldn’t even save Midas!_ **

Grabbing the bag from the bed, you sling it over your shoulder, walking out into an uncertain future. 

The only guarantee that whatever this is with the White Masks, it is far from over.

* * *

Meghan’s look of pure unadulterated joy when she sees you walking out of the medbay under your own power is something you wish you could photograph and hang in a frame. Capturing just that moment there alone would probably be enough serotonin for the rest of your damn life, however long or short that might end up being. 

Her happiness envelops you immediately as she draws you into her arms, holding you so tight that it’s clear she’s still worried she’s going to just blink and you’ll be gone. 

“Hey babe, missed me?” You manage to get out through the chuckle, testing the pet name out on your lips and finding you liked the way it rolled off your tongue. 

And apparently so did Meghan. She pulled away for the shortest of moments before capturing your lips in a searing kiss that left you breathless by the time she relented. 

“Holy shit-” you started, a little dazed, “remind me to get blown up more often.”

“Don’t joke about that,” she mewled into your ear and your face flushed bright red, “It’s just nice to know I can do this without some nurse interrupting us or Doc chasing me out of the medbay.” 

“I don’t know about that, I liked the danger of getting caught.” 

Her cheeks blushed at that, teeth biting that bottom lip of hers in a way that you wanted to do yourself.

“Well, we’ll have plenty of time to explore that particular kink later, but for now I want you all to myself Crow.”

All it took was a glance into her eyes to see what she wanted to do with you. You couldn’t blame her, any attempts to be intimate in the medbay had been ruined by the staff walking in all the time. You were certain they were put up to it by Gustave. He’d made a point of telling you yesterday that you were not to ‘over do it with physical exertion’, his own face blushing as he did so meaning you caught on quick to what he was implying, hiding your face in embarrassment. 

But with that in mind, it meant it had been little over two months since you’d spent that very memorable night together, and clearly both of you were eager to catch up on lost time. Especially now there were no barriers or pretences to hide behind. 

“I missed you too, but I really,  _ really _ want to shower first,” you press your forehead against hers and smile. 

Sure, you had kept on top of hygiene once you were conscious (shaving had been comically hard at first), but the showers in the medbay were so bad when compared to the ones in the dorms, plus they didn’t have the choice of sharing them with Meghan whereas yours certainly did. 

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and pretended to sniff the air around you, wrinkling her face in disgust before melting back into a cheeky smile, that smile growing wider when she realised you were in her hoody whilst she was wearing your own. 

“Well come on then, you’ve got about two days to settle back in before you have to start PT and there’s something I’ve been dying to show you.”

“Really? What is it?”

“It’s a secret, but you’ll love it I promise.”

“Eh, I’ll have to take your word.”

You quirk a brow and follow after her as she sets off, thinking about taking her hand in your own but realising it’s probably a bad idea since you’d have to keep the pda to a minimum from now on, lest ye incur the wrath of Six.

It’s odd, you think to yourself, the man still hasn’t been to see you since you woke up. All he did was sign the card the others got you and left a small note thanking you for your bravery and little more. It made your heart thud a little harder the more you thought about it, Six really was leaning into this cold shoulder act he’d adopted with you. And try as you might, you couldn’t help but feel irked about it all. He was a god damn psychologist after all, it should be him not Lera trying to help you. Being shunned so hard for no real, tangible reason was upsetting you more than it should.

**_WEAK_ **

“Shut up,” you mumble back to the voice only to walk straight into Valkyrie. 

She’d paused and was turning to face you now. Apparently during your little rant in your head you'd made it to your dorm and she was looking at you with concern. 

“What did you say Y/N?,” she coos quietly to you, hand snaking up your chest to rest against your ribs. She must feel how hard your heart is thumping.

You shake your head and push past her, opening the door then pulling her in after you before she can act all hurt for being ignored. 

Immediately your gaze sweeps the small area, hardwired to look for signs of traps and tampering, but it’s the same it was when you woke up that morning, only the bed was made and there was an extra blanket spread out atop the sheets, one embroiled with a giant crow.

You wheeled around, hands folded across your chest and staring at Valkyrie with a ‘seriously?’ expression on your face.

She burst out laughing, positively wheezing and you couldn’t help but smile back, head forgetting about Six for now.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop them,” she started, moving to run her hand along it, “it’s a gift for saving them, Eliza’s idea but Nokk chose the pattern, said it was very edgy … ‘like Crow’,” Meghan put on her best impression of the Dane which had you smirking.

“Of course she did,” you rolled your eyes, “It’s nice. I don’t really know what else to say?” 

You threw a hand up behind your head and scratched at the back of your head, you never really got gifts before so there was no reaction readily installed, just a small grimace. 

Sensing the small moment of upset, Meghan took a seat and patted a spot on the bed next to her. You relented, dropping your bag of laundry and toiletries from the medbay onto the floor and settling next to her.

She took your hand in her own and rubbed at the back of it with her thumb, turning near fully to face you. 

“Don’t worry, It didn’t really cost anything, we just paid for the materials and Ela put it together with Glaz’s help.”

You put a hand up to your head and groaned.

“That’s worse, they put effort into this and I don’t have anything to give them back.” 

She cocked her head, studying you intently for a moment.

“That’s not- that’s not how gifts work, you know that right?”

“I don’t” 

You shrugged and turned to look at the spot where your drone used to sit, a flash of anger taking hold as you recalled the moment Monika told you it was ripped to shreds by the explosion.

Meghan scoots closer and catches your chin with her free hand and turns you to face her, confused why this was upsetting you so much, then it sort of clicked that maybe this was your first time being appreciated by friends. 

It damn near broke her heart.

“Oh, Y/N-” she started, voice almost a whisper until it broke. 

You locked gaze with hers and noticed the tears welling, moving to catch one with the hand that was free. 

“What’s wrong? Did I say something stupid?,” you ask in confusion, wanting to bring her smile back but fearful you’d unknowingly stepped on a landmine.

“God no, it’s just …,” she strokes your cheek and smiles through the tears that are welling, “how can you be this precious and not even realise it?” 

You recoil a little at that but don’t pull away, it would hurt her if you did.

“Honestly, it terrifies me how close I came to losing you, especially when I’m only just starting to get to know you.” 

She starts to cry a little now and on some new found instinct you take hold of her and press her against you, gently stroking through her hair and placing soft kisses wherever your lips can reach.

**_You’re a monster, this won’t last_ **

“I’m sorry,” she chokes out, sniffling and shaking against you whilst she clutches onto your shirt for dear life. Your chest is still a little tender from the cuts but you fight through the pain to stay steady for her. 

“What for? Meghan, it’s ok I’m here, I’m still kicking,” you try back to her, keeping your voice low and gentle like others have done with you when you were feeling volatile.

She just shakes her head and cries louder, her tears drenching your shirt prompting you to look for something in your room to help before making a quick decision to just get you both comfy until it ends. You pull away from her for just a second and kick off your sneakers and remove hers too before you move to lie on the bed under the covers, arms open wide for her to join you.

She doesn’t hesitate, crawling in next to you and allowing you to pull the covers and the blanket atop you both. She’s breathing pretty heavy against you now, the noise all too familiar to your ears as you realise it’s something deeper than just a little sob. Much deeper.

You hold her impossibly tight and feel her tears start to pool against your chest as she freely sobs now. It terrifies you, this emotion is so strong for her and has clearly been buried away for quite some time judging by how hard she’s holding back onto you. 

“I’m sorry,” you coo to her and kiss the top of her head, rubbing circles into her back.

It’s nearly half an hour later when she starts to quieten, getting limper in your arms and her breathing slows. You keep up the gentle motions with your hands, stroking through her hair to undo the few knotts that have formed. She shudders and lets out a soft but shaky sigh when you stroke the back of her neck and feel how tense she is. 

“You must think I’m weak,” she whimpers, eyes closing as you start to work at the muscle to try and get it to loosen. 

“Meghan … you realise who you are dating right?,” you chuckle, stifling a yawn and letting silence envelop the two of you whilst you massage her neck and then move down to her shoulders, “I could never believe you off all people to be weak.” 

She sighs again, almost letting out a low moan when you hit a particularly tense spot and work at it with your thumb until it softens under your touch. 

“It’s been rough since London …,” she starts but trails off. 

You stop massaging her and lift her chin, forcing the woman to look up at you. 

“Talk to me, I want to know,” you ask her, gaze set in determination and she holds it for a moment before snuggling back into you and pulling the blanket over her head to hide herself. 

“I can’t get the sounds out of my head,” she admits quietly, sucking in a quick breath and blowing out against your chest, the warmth of it tickling your skin.

“What sounds?” 

There's a prolonged moment of silence before she finally replies, Meghan impossibly close to you now and back to clinging to your frame.

“You dying-,” she chokes again, “- I could hear you giving up. Lera put me in your ear to try and keep you awake.”

You flinch a little, this is not something you can remember nor do you want to. 

“The comm cut off when they- when they …” She trails off, refusing to finish that sentence and you know why. 

Mid flight back to Hereford you had flatlined and by some miracle Gustave managed to bring you back. But clinically you died for a time close to four minutes. That’s four agonising minutes that Meghan believed she had lost you, two hundred and forty seconds of silence filled with overwhelming grief. It would be enough to hurt the coldest of hearts, and Meghan’s practically boiled under her ribs. 

“I know Meghan, I know,” you try to soothe her, fighting against the crawling feeling running up your spine, “I’m here though, you didn’t lose me.”

She shudders, freely crying again now, only it's quieter than before, more gentle in how it works itself out of her body. You keep hold of her throughout, back to rubbing circles into her muscles to encourage her to relax. 

It takes a little longer than the first time, but eventually she settles again and loosens the tight grip. 

“I think … no, no i know …,” she starts again and you softly chuckle, lifting the covers to peek at her with a smile in place. 

“You know what babe?” 

There's further silence and you almost drift off in it, head and body growing heavier against the pillows and mattress that normally offend you so. Doc or Finka would never have allowed you to sleep on the floor in the medbay so you’ve been forced to get used to sleeping in a bed again. It’s mad, you don’t remember them being this damn comfy before and it’s doing wonders for your back.

“I love you.”

You freeze, stiffen against her at those words and just remain quiet for nearly a full minute. 

It’s not the reaction she was hoping for but it’s enough for her to panic. She untangles herself from you and makes to flee from you in embarrassment from the rejection, but you’re too quick, locking your arms around her and holding tight against her squirming. 

“Look, I know it’s early, just don’t be cruel about it ok?!” 

She grumbles into your chest and only huffs louder when you start to chuckle, the movement shakes her head and only irks her further.

“What’s so funny  _ huh _ ?”

“You!” you breathe out, tears stinging the corner of your eyes as your heart swells. 

“It’s not funny Y/N!”

“Meghan, for fucks sake-” you wheeze, her reaction so hilarious because it’s normally you being so flighty and quick to misjudge, not the mighty Castellano. All that upset has done a number on her brain. 

“Get off me!” she mumbles, trying to pull away again but lacking the strength, even pitted against your recovering limbs you manage to keep hold. 

“No, shut up and look at me for a second will you?” 

You’re still laughing but manage to calm yourself down, provoking her anger further won’t earn you anything more than a cold shoulder from her at this rate. 

She gives in and pouts, biting at her lip to keep herself from cursing you out as she looks into your watery eyes, finding herself smiling a little now she’s realised you’re not trying to kick her out or push her away. 

“Calmed down yet?” 

You grin down at her and wince when she presses against your chest and hits the bruises.

“ _ Ouch, _ ” you wince but soldier on through the scathing look, “ok I’m sorry. But It was pretty funny how quick you were to try and run from me before I could even say it back!”

“Say what back?”

She cocks her head slightly and continues to scowl but there’s a smile growing, the corners of her lips are twitching ever so slightly. You can’t help yourself, leaning it to capture them against your own in a hot, messy kiss. When you withdraw she has an adorable smile in place that melts whatever reservations you might have about what you’ll say next. 

“I love you too, idiot. Have for a while now,” you finally admit back to her and she wriggles free, moving fast so that she’s straddling you before you can even stop her. 

“You’re the idiot, and an ass to boot …. Why did you go quiet?”

She whispers that last part.

“I guess … I guess I just never thought I’d hear anyone say those words to me.”

**_Again, you mean._ **

A quick flashback, one moment it’s Meghan on top of you, the next it’s midas, and then back to Meghan just as fast. 

Before you can react to that disturbing interruption Meghan leans in and places a soft kiss against your lips, bringing you back to reality. 

“Oh baby, what am I going to do with you?,” she smiles and nips at your lip playfully whilst a hand snakes down to your chest. 

A small moan leaves your lips when she brushes against your breast, thankful that you weren’t wearing a bra under the hoodie. 

“I can think of a few things.” 

You whisper that into her ear and lick her neck, softly taking her pulsepoint into your mouth to suck on it until she can’t take it anymore. She shudders a little with a soft moan escaping, pulling away from your reach to pin your wrists above your head. 

She leans down, bringing her nose to lightly touch your own, eyes dark and full of need. It makes you squirm beneath her, a quiet whimper leaving your lips at what you’ll imagine she’ll do to you.

“Say it. I want to hear it  _ again _ .” 

She smirks, lips not even an inch off your own, her hot breath flushing your skin. You’re confused what she means for a few moments until she rolls her hips against you, leaning over to grab the duty belt from your desk to tie your hands to the frame of the bed. 

“I love you,” you murmur, eyes darkening with lust. 

A wicked grin spreads across her face, it excites your nerves.

“Not a sound Crow, got it?”

You swallow thickly, the heat pooling below your stomach and sending pulses to your core, nodding once. A hand slips beneath the hem of your underwear, lightly brushing against your folds and making you buck up into her. You have to bite your lip to stop the moan from escaping.

“That’s my good girl.” 

So much for a shower first.

* * *

By the time you’re both lucid and conscious again it’s late. 

Meghan helps you to dress after you step out from a quick shower. She even helps to brush through your hair and dries it for you. Only leaving you alone whilst she attends to her own.

Whilst you wait for her to finish getting ready you stretch a little and admire all the marks she’s left on your body from the rough sex, you’ll carry them like scars from war, knowing full well if Gustave catches a glance of them then you’ll both be getting a lecture. And then of course there’s Eliza, you can only imagine the kind of lewd comments that will fall from her lips until Monika shuts her up. 

It brings a smile to your lips.

You’re due to meet the two later on in the lounge for Pizza and a few beers. Well, beers for them … water for you. You can be dumb sometimes but you’re not careless enough to drink whilst medicating, no matter how much you’ve missed the burn of a good whiskey. Plus you don’t want to do anything that might upset Lera after all she has done/continuing to do for you.

That reminds you. You stop stretching out and start to frantically search the room, looking for Meghans discarded hoodie. It’s balled up on the floor, tossed into a corner by the woman herself along with your earlier garments. You chuckle, just more laundry for the ever growing pile to sort out tomorrow. 

Whilst you go to fetch the hoody, your laptop makes a noise but you ignore it for a moment, hand digging into the front pocket of the clothing until it clasps hold of the pill bottle. 

“What’s that?” Meghan asks, coming out of the bathroom with her hair tied back with that green bandanna you love seeing her wear. 

She’s wearing one of your army shirts and sweats whereas you’re in the official recruit training uniform. It’s a little tight to wear off duty, but it’s also the only thing you have to wear right now that’s clean, the added bonus being that it will hide the majority of the marks Meghan has left on you.

You startle a little at her question but figure there’s no point trying to hide it, opening up your hand to show her the bottle. 

“Oh, are these for the pain?,” she asks, the question innocent enough but you know that she doesn’t think they’re that for one second, she’s just letting you be the one to admit it to her. 

**_Tell her, she deserves to know how pathetic you are_ **

“Uh, not exactly,” you start, moving to take a seat at your desk, legs still a little shaky from how hard she made you cum earlier. 

She doesn’t press further, instead moves to place the bottle on the desk and looks at the light on the laptop, making to say something about it until you interrupt her train of thought. 

“They’re from Finka … she thinks they’ll help stop the- stop the ‘updates’,” you admit, letting out a long breath that you didn’t even realise you were holding. 

Meghan smiles warmly as she runs a hand through your hair, scratching a little at the back of your neck. 

“I’m sure she knows what she’s doing, and I’ll be here to help too. No shame in any of it” 

She coos, leaning to kiss your forehead whilst you grip onto her waist and try to bring her to your lips. She fights you off with a laugh, impressed you still have an appetite for her body still. 

“No, we need to go to the lab for your surprise. It’s already late and Mira will kill me if we don’t show up soon, she’s been dying to meet you properly among other things.” 

“I don’t like surprises, Castelllano!” 

You protest, a little wary of what's about to happen but Meghan places a finger against your lips, then pulls it away to offer you her hand.

“Shush, you’ll like this one, don’t worry. I’ll never willingly make you uncomfortable, so just trust me ok.” 

You can’t argue with that, taking her hand and letting her lead the way out of your room and through the many long corridors of Hereford base. Naturally you don’t hold her hand now you’re out among the others, but you keep close to her side, shoulders nearly touching, laptop completely forgotten about at that point. 

Your mind is very much focused on how easy going her reaction was to finding out you were on meds. It would seem that Meghan is determined to do everything in her power to make you feel as at ease as possible, and you couldn’t possibly love her more for it. 

**_WEAK_ **

It’s only when you’re about to go through the door to the actual lab that you realise you’ve never actually met Mira in person, only glanced at her passing by in the halls with a smile on her face, or a scowl if Eliza happened to be with you at the time. The two fought like cat and mouse. 

“So, Mira’s the head of R&D here, right?”

You stop and Meghan does too for a moment, keycard hovering close to where the touchpad needs it to read it. 

“Oh yeah, she’s the best in the business, can make anything if you give her enough time and the budget for it. We really lucked out when Six brought her into the fold.”

Meghan starts, a smile in place. 

“She’s very friendly as long as you don’t try to micromanage her like Eliza does. And she’s super professional too-”

Meghan cuts herself off as she swipes her keycard and the door ‘whooshes’ open to reveal a smaller, elder woman sat atop a desk with her legs wrapped around a taller, younger brunette. A brunette who you’re entirely certain has a hand down the front of the other woman's pants right now. 

You grin, cocking your head ever so slightly at Meghan and gesturing to where the two are passionately making out. 

“Yeah, I can see that!” You reply to her ‘professional’ comment and Meghan bursts into laughter, the noise finally enough to grab the attention of the room's occupants.

The smaller woman immediately pushes the other away from her and curses in what sounds like spanish, the taller one just looks a little dazed but turns and fixes you and Meghan a sheepish grin as she wipes her hand down the front of her shirt. 

“I am so sorry Elena, I should have called first,” Meghan offers weakly and shoves you in the ribs for being so obvious in your staring. 

“No, It’s her fault!” Elena (obviously ‘Mira’) grumbles and jabs a finger in the taller woman's direction, she holds her hands up in defence but gives you a wink and oddly you find yourself liking these two strangers already. They remind you of how Ash and IQ are around each other. 

The gays really run this place.

“Hey Kody, I didn’t know you were back on base. How are you? How’s the family?” Meghan asks, a smirk forming on her own lips as she moves further into the lab and pulls you along with her. 

“Hey Meg, just got in last week. Everyone’s doing great. And i'm being neglected by my wife, but what else is new right?” she quips back, accent unmistakably Italian but kinda also sounding canadian? She shoots Mira a finger gun to which the Spaniard growls at, flushing red again. 

You watch the scene with interest, but feel your mind start to wander to the contents of the lab itself and all the machines until Meghan brings you into the conversation and gives your hand a quick squeeze. 

“Y/N this is Kody, or ‘Kingdom’ if you want to use her moniker. She’s Elena’s wife, been off the base for a long time now which is why you haven’t come across her,” Meghan offers with a gentle smile and a not so subtle push for you to make conversation with her. 

“Crow,” you offer up, not extending a hand but smiling at her nonetheless.

She nods her head and folds her arms across her chest, a silly grin on her face as she tries to ignore the frustrated scowl she’s getting from the still flustered Mira. Nothing worse than a ruined orgasm and clearly Elena is intent on blaming her wife and not the fact that you two interrupted them. 

“I’m sure we’ll be seeing plenty of each other now I’m back to carry the Defenders to glory.”

She’s cocky you’ll give her that, and clearly brazen enough not to care that you had just caught her fucking Mira on the desk less than a minute ago. 

Content that you’re not bothered by Kody, Meghan excuses herself to go speak with Elena, leaving the two of you to hang about until your partners have a need of you. 

“So, what unit are you from originally?,” Kody pipes up and you can tell she already knows, just wants to confirm it.

“Ghost Recon.”

“No shit, I thought the rumours were false. Guess this explains why Cav is more of a bitch these days.”

“Yeah, she really doesn’t like me.”

You shrug with a smile.

“She doesn’t really like anyone, well … she likes Emma plenty if you get my drift.” 

You nod, smile turning to a smirk. It wasn’t hard to see that Cav and Twitch were in a relationship if you spent enough time around the two, not like the GIGN operative hid it that well anyway.

“I can’t really blame her, I did try to shoot her the first time I spoke to her in the mess. That and my old boss threatened to extradite her brother for not cooperating with us on my last Op with the ghosts” you shrug, unsure of why you feel at ease talking to her. Especially when you were talking about such shitty times. 

It was disarming, the woman clearly possessing the same powers that Meghan held in calming people around them. 

“Yeah, that’ll do it. I once told her that her brother looked like the backside of a donkey, nearly throttled me there and then.” 

She snorts, shaking her head from side to side as she laughs. 

“What about you? Where did Six find you?”

You blurt out, curiosity taking hold. From the corner of your eye you see Meghan give you a warm smile before she turns back to Elena.

“The JTF2, Lieutenant Ammirati at your service,” she jokingly bows before continuing. “Parents were immigrants,” Kody offers up with another wink, explaining away the strange accent that you couldn’t quite place. 

“Nice, solid unit. Worked with a team of them in Quebec a few years back.”

“Oh, care to share?”

“Classified,” you shut her down, the response is just programmed and you can’t help it. But much to your relief she laughs again. 

“Of course, I don't know why I bothered. Like talking with Nokk.” She shook her head again and stretched out her arm. “So, I'm assuming you interrupted my sexy time with spanish bull to come see your drone, right?”

“I HEARD THAT!,” Mira yelled from across the room and Kody had the good sense to look sheepish. 

“Ahh shit, I think I’m in the doghouse tonight,” she grumbled and made to carry on the conversation but Meghan was waving you both over to the far side of the lab where she and Mira were hunched over a long desk of sorts. 

“Better go over there before she pulls out the leash,” Kody joked again and you snorted, recalling how dominant Meghan had been with you earlier. 

You both headed over and reluctantly you stepped into the small space that Mira was offering you between herself and Meghan. Sensing your discomfort, Meghan reached out to give your back a quick rub, silently letting you know that she had you. But any thoughts of fleeing were soon replaced with awe as you took in the sight before you on the desk. 

“Well, what do you think dear?” Elena asked, a small smirk in place at the look of bewilderment on your face as you instantly reach out to take the small drone in your hands. 

“How?” 

That’s all you managed to get out as you marvelled at the little machine that was like a best friend to you (sad, you know). When you’d learned of Axew’s demise it had hit you harder than some of your injuries. So to see it again looking as good as ever was a big surprise.

“We salvaged everything we could from the impact site-” Mira cut herself up, reacting to Meghan’s warning look, but she continued when they both realised you weren’t upset at the mention of that, “- and from then on it was just a matter of bringing in the right people to put it back together. Only this time, it’s more durable and has a few more features that I’ll send over to you in a document tomorrow after we’ve tested it out.” 

“I upgraded the shield plating using my own design,” Kody interjected, the cocky smile back in place as she leant against the desk with her arms folded across her chest, “It won’t go down without a real fight now.”

“We’ve also taken the liberty of making you some new armour,” Elena adds, gesturing to a mannequin in the corner that's dressed in full BDU. It’s a heavy IBA drone variant and has your signature patch on the shoulder plates, the winged skull with crossbones beneath it. 

You move off to go inspect it with Axew still in hand. But as you reach out to run a hand along the chest plate, a quick spurt of dread takes hold and your ears ring. You don’t outwardly react but Meghan seems to sense something is wrong and is at your side in an instance, she places a hand on the small of your back and ignores the flinch, holding it there until you snap out of it and look to her with a sheepish half smile/half grimace on your face. 

“Hey, you good?” She whispers, keeping her voice low so the other two can’t hear. You know you’re not, but you nod anyway. Grateful for her support and the fact the ringing has subsided now. 

Kody and Elena move to the mannequin too, both sharing a look with Meghan that they think you don’t notice. It chokes you, making you irrationally angry for a moment until Kody coughs and steps up to diffuse the awkward silence. 

“We’ve built the drone pairing systems into the chest plating and wrist support, a few redundancies added too so it’s difficult for you to ever lose connection to it.” 

She looks to the armour with pride but Elena rolls her eyes and jabs at her. 

“‘We’ didn’t do anything, I took care of all the hard work wiring and testing it out. Kingdom here just wanted to shoot at your new plating all day long!”

“Babe why you gotta do me like that? I worked just as hard on the plates!”

Meghan chuckles at the two and continues to rub at your back which helps ground you again. Not to mention the playful bickering between the two women makes it impossible not to smile, allowing the calm to envelop you again. 

“We’ll get you another half mask. I was thinking you could use one of my scarves, similar to the style Alibi has. I’m sure I have a Navy or Red one lying around somewhere.”

Meghan beams at you, content to see you’re no longer about to panic. 

**_Just like Midas_ **

“We’ve got plenty of helmets in the armoury too,” Kody adds before gesturing back to Axew. 

You nod in appreciation and continue to thumb the drone over, getting lost in it until Meghan coughed politely to get your attention. 

“So, you like it?” Meghan asks you quietly, desperate for the surprise to be a success.

“It’s amazing” you offer up and hand it over to Elena’s waiting hands, backing up a little to get some space.

Neither comment on the action, it would appear they too have been briefed on how to react around you. 

“Honestly, thank you. I was scared to be going back out in the field without this little guy.” You admit with a blush creeping up into your cheeks, embarrassed that you’d not only referred to the drone as a ‘he’ instead of a ‘it’, but also that you’d told two strangers you were scared. 

**_WEAK_ **

Meghan’s breath hitches for the shortest of moments, you know she’s latched onto that and will want to talk about it later. But the other two just smile and wave it off.

“No need for thanks, you’re one of us Crow, we take care of our own,” Mira replies with a soft tone, spitting out the same words that the others kept saying to you. It made you wonder if they all collectively came together behind your back to talk about you, surely it wasn’t a coincidence that they all reiterated the same point over and over to you?

**_Meghan probably put them up to it. She knows how pathetic you are._ **

“Well, we try to but we get interrupted,” Kody interjects with a lewd smile but is hit upside the head by Mira, pulling a funny face from the impact. 

It brings you back out of your head and back into the conversation. 

“If it’s any consolation Kody we need to get going anyway, you two can have some privacy again,” Meghan laughs a little and takes your hand in her own, already pulling you away. 

“See you around bird lady,” Kody calls out after you and you turn just in time to see Mira hit her upside her head again. 

“Come by tomorrow and we’ll test fly the drone,” Elena adds and waves you off.

You wave back and leave the two to no doubt continue desecrating the lab. 

* * *

After the day you’ve had you’re more than ready to fall into bed. With a belly full of pizza and an actual semi-relaxed day under your belt, you imagine that for once you might actually be able to sleep without any nightmares coming out to play, hoping that the exhaustion will carry you peacefully through the night. 

You’re worried by the frequency in which the voice talks to you and more than a little concerned by your own reaction to the armour, but Lera did warn you that you’d need time to adjust to the medication and to expect some intense moments. You chalked it all up that and redressed quickly, replacing your pants with pajama shorts and donning Meghan’s hoodie again, crawling into the bed and knocking the stupid Crow blanket off to the side, only to retrieve it a moment later to fight the cold creeping up in the room. 

You still thought it was stupid that they’d made you a blanket, but you’d be lying if you said you weren’t touched by the thought they cared enough to do that.

You sighed as you turned over, wanting nothing more than for Meghan to join you in the bed tonight, but she’d promised Monika she would stay up late and help her with her Specter. And the two had drunk a fair bit so were not nearly as tired as you were, so you were loath to ruin their fun. 

Yawning loudly, you try to drift off but remember you’ve not even brushed your teeth, quickly hopping out of the bed to go to the bathroom. It’s only when you’re halfway through cleaning them that another errant thought crosses your mind and you remember your laptop had buzzed earlier that day. You finish up quick and hurry to the chair, settling yourself into it and tapping away at the keyboard until the screen lights up again on the homepage which is now a picture Meghan took of herself for you.

It’s a racy photo, one you should one hundred percent not have your personal background, but it’s nice to look at and you’ll be damned if you don’t spend each morning in the future appreciating that she did that for you. 

You shake your head a little, attention back to the task at hand, the quicker you figure this out, the quicker you can get back to the warmth of the bed.

At first, nothing looks to be out of the ordinary on it. There’s no new emails, nothing updated and no system notifications. You huff at the thing and almost shut it back down until you notice the little ‘1’ symbol lighting up over the Firefox logo. Curious you click it, and then as if the machine has sentience the mouse begins to move on its own accord.

You blink rapidly, rubbing at your eyes to try and make certain that you’re not just hallucinating this. But when you open them again you find yourself looking at a webpage that’s all too familiar to you. 

Two words appear across the otherwise blank screen.

_**‘Still alive?’** _


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you all to know I got a migraine so bad I literally blacked out at my computer trying to get this 10k update to flow and link up exactly the way i wanted it! I hope to god it makes sense like it does in my mind and if not then you need to let me know and I will work on it! 
> 
> BUT 
> 
> Happy things now!
> 
> Thanks as always to the Discord/Tumblr fam who keep the hype alive and create all the wonderful OC's and stories to go along with them that keep Siege alive for me. And special shoutout to all the readers and those who leave comments. I know some of you are going through it right now so I hope this update makes you smile when you see it <3 Enjoy.
> 
> p.s. this was delayed because Cai is a brat and seemed to think i wouldn't call her out on that on here. Love you bitch :3

Physical therapy … is a bitch. There’s no other way to describe it.

And that’s especially fitting when your trainers happen to be the two people who thrive on inflicting pain and exposing weaknesses the most out of all the other operators. Not to mention one definitely holds a grudge against you whilst the other you’re pretty certain wants to either fuck you or force you out of Rainbow. 

It’s hard to tell with Nokk where you stand, but Caviera is a dead certainty. 

You thought her attitude to you might have changed since London, but if anything the BOPE operative was angrier with you, that anger translating into how hard she would pummel you when she got you locked down on the mat.

“Fuck!” 

You grunt in pain, back slamming into the mat with a distinctive ‘thud’ for what feels like the hundredth time that morning. The discomfort spreads from your lower back to your head and all the way back down again. You hold up your hands to block the coming onslaught of jabs that would definitely break your nose if they were allowed to land on the intended target. 

“Get her off you Crow.” 

In the corner of the ring Nokk instructs you with a lazy voice, hands on her hips like she's disappointed that once again Cav got the upperhand. You bite back a string of curses and grapple with Cav, locking her leg with your own and attempting to push her back.

It’s the sixth week of your rehab and you’re beyond exhausted, worked to the bone by the devils themselves. 

Apparently there’s an insertion op coming up that Six wants you on, so these two have been instructed to get you back into fighting shape. And whilst they’re succeeding through the sheer force of pissing you off alone, there are still niggling doubts from them and the others about your readiness. 

No one doubts your abilities, you’ve already proven yourself to be sharp as a knife with instincts an instructor would kill to instill into their soldiers. 

It’s your mind they’re concerned about. 

You’ve been distracted lately, so much so that Meghan has started to worry that you’re lapsing back into your shell. She’s told you as much, even gone to Lera to try and see if the Specialist could prize the answers from your lips. Finka just seems to think you’re remembering things again, things you’re too ashamed to admit or too terrified to allow back in. 

That couldn’t be further from the truth, you just couldn’t let them know that. Because if they knew what was actually going on, if you let Meghan in on the truth of why you were so distracted, they would finally write you off as being crazy and you would lose everything you had been fighting for since falling in love with the woman and accepting Rainbow as your new team. 

You wished you could just destroy that fucking laptop, never open it again. But in truth you can’t because you’re addicted to talking to a ghost in the machine. 

“Come on Crow, I don’t have all day!” Taina quips in portguese, trying and succeeding in riling you up. 

You force your mind to focus up and manage to throw her off you, rushing back to your feet and readying for another attack. 

All you want to do right now is go back to your dorm and fall asleep whilst Meghan massages your aches away, but today you have an audience for the training session, Six in the flesh himself, so now is not the time to let the weakness take hold. 

“You talk too much ...” 

You grumble and raise your arm, performing a taunt motion. Caviera fixes you a small smirk and lunges again. She attacks you with another flurry of punches that you barely manage to hold off, mind very much laser focused to Six.

  
  
  
  
  


He’s been watching the entire fight unfold from a bench near the ring, hands occasionally moving to glide across his tablet or push the glasses back up his nose. 

His entire presence unnerves you, flooding you with apprehension and the feeling that you’re being judged and found to be lacking. You expect that from these two, but not from him. So when he appears to sigh when Cav lands a jab to your ribs you lose your shit and go feral. 

Suddenly all the pent up frustration from keeping secrets from Meghan and the anger from what happened in London comes to the forefront and ignites a fire that your trainers have been trying to rekindle since day one. 

You ‘weaken’ to goad Cav into trying to flip you, and like a good trooper she takes the bait and climbs up on you, attempting to lock your waist down with her thighs so she can spin and send you to the ground. 

You almost let her, fixing her a smirk as she attempts the maneuver but finds she can’t pull it off in time. She wrenches forward and pulls you a little with her but is unable to block the solid hook straight into her gut. It takes the air from her lungs immediately, she chokes and splutters for just long enough for you to hit a pressure point in her leg that releases her hold. 

She falls flat on her back like you had done so earlier so you seize the opportunity to get on top of her and wail into her chest. 

There’s a cheer off to the right and a shout of encouragement but you don’t recognise the voice, refusing to let it distract you. 

Seeing the opportunity to join in, Nokk rushes you, believing you to be target driven on Cav and Cav alone. No sooner does she rush do you roll off of Cav and get back on your feet, grabbing Nokk’s thrown arm, twisting it and returning the force she exerted back to her. She stumbles backwards and grins, silently excited at the prospect of seeing you go full Ghost on her. 

You step back to create some space as Cav clambers back up to her own feet. She is not smiling, she looks pissed.

“You got lucky puta.” 

Cav cusses you out and gets back into a ready stance close to what Nokk is in, the two catching their breath and preparing to attack together. 

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t intimidated opposing them both. This is usually how 1 out of every 5 of the sessions ended and you always had to concede to them both to spare yourself a trip to the medbay. The longest you’d managed against them both was roughly a minute, but that was about to change thanks to Six’s actions next. 

He catches your eyes, a smirk in place as he appears to be packing his things away, clearly expecting the end of the fight. He gets to his feet and goes to leave the gym, prompting you to let out a noise on par with a vicious growl. 

“What are you fucking waiting for? ATTACK ME!” 

Six stops in his tracks, a look of concern on his face that you can’t see because your vision is tunneled and a shade of red as you stare down your opponents and just rush them. 

Neither expect it, the ferocity catching both of them off guard.

Sure they’re both landing hit after hit, but rage is one hell of an anesthesia and you don’t feel a damn thing allowing you to just go at them with the momentum of a steam train. 

The cheering gets louder and someone actually calls your name as you successfully fend both of them off now at the same time and give them a run for their money. 

It’s a brutal fight, lasting for minutes before you get the upper hand and get them both on the ropes. You practically throw Nokk out of the ring, winding her and leaving her momentarily stunned on the floor before you round on Cav and manage to get her in a deathlock. 

You feel her squirm and kick out at the floor to try and get purchase, but it’s no use against your adrenaline fueled strength. She’s pinned and she knows it, panic starting to finally set in when she realises you’re choking her out and not letting up. 

Nokk comes back around and notices, launching herself at you but she struggles to get you to let go. You’re determined to keep the hold, mind far from yourself right now as you allow the raw emotions to take control of your body. 

“CROW!” 

Someone screams from outside of the ring and you startle, dropping the hold and watching Caviera scramble back with a mix of fear and fury in her gaze. She’s clutching at her neck and glaring at you, eyes watery with tears from being choked so hard. 

Nokk moves away from you and crouches by her side, inspecting the growing bruise on her fellow trainers neck. 

Even from where you’re sat you can tell it’s going to be bad, if Caviera doesn’t kill you Twitch certainly will. Thankfully she’s not there right now otherwise you’d be finding yourself in another fight real fucking fast. 

**_Should have squeezed harder._ **

The voice, always at the wrong damn time.

“What?!”

It’s all you can offer up, gaze widening and growing frantic when your brain finally catches up to the fact that your audience was more than just Six. He’s still paused mid exit, looking at you with an unreadable expression. 

Thatcher is there too, standing by the door looking a mix of impressed and concerned, to his left stands Zofia, the specialist’s expression sympathetic. She’s looking at you the same way she looks at her sister when she loses control and has to be forcibly stopped, something you’ve only been privy too once. It floods you with shame, out of all the operators you admire from afar Zofia is top of that list and you would never want her to look down on you. 

Now you turn to look to the little cheering section which is mainly recruits, faces sort of familiar but no names known, with the exception of course being the two operators Kingdom & Nomad. They appeared to have come in whilst you were being laid into by Cav and were showing the recruits something before you went all feral and drew attention. 

But neither of them shouted your name earlier and it definitely wasn’t Six either.

“Are you ok, Y/N?” 

The voice speaks again, the accent middle eastern and tone shaky, it breaks the silence that's descended over the gym. You don’t recognise it, but when you turn to see who it was it sends a sharp twinge of pain through your head, like an ice pick has been rammed into your skull. 

It’s not someone you recognise, but she seems to know you. She goes to climb into the ring to approach you but she’s stopped in her tracks by Nokk, the Dane putting herself between you and the other as though she is fearful you will attack her. 

“Ricket, back up.” 

Kody calls out to her, the woman smiling up at you, though you can tell it's nervous. There's a flash of images in your mind at the mention of the name ‘Ricket’ and you study her with a pained expression. 

“Calm down, she won’t hurt me.” 

Ricket scoffs, peering over Nokk’s shoulder to fix you a worried look, trying to get past the Dane to get to you but you’re already backing up, only stopping when your back hits the rope. You gape a little, trying to figure out what you’re seeing exactly and understand why the emotion is so strong.

You don’t even register that Six has approached the ring now and is standing close to you. 

Caviera has recovered enough now that she’s ready to take her pound of flesh, storming towards you with all intents and purpose to send you back to the medbay. But Six raises a hand and stops her in her tracks, the brazillian muttering wildly under her breath with her fists clenched hard at her sides. 

“Crow, go get changed back into uniform and then come to my office.” 

Six addresses you directly for the first time since you came to Rainbow, the shock overriding everything else you’re feeling right now. 

You stare back at him, a little dumbfounded, nodding once slowly. 

“Specialist Kingdom, if you’ll be so kind as to escort her. I’m sure Nomad can handle the rest of the demonstration for now. And Nokk, are you able to take Caviera to the medbay? Everyone else … get back to your training.” 

He gives the orders thick and fast, no one having time to even process them before he turns on his heel and leaves the gym. 

You watch him go, a sigh leaving your lips as you look down to your hands that are wrapped in tape and shaking in anger. 

“Now he fucking want’s to speak to me!” 

You spit the words out, more to yourself than anything, but Caviera takes the bait, riding the high of her own adrenaline. 

“With any luck you’ll be packing your bags by nightfall-” she starts, voice hoarse from the pain of being so violently choked, but Nokk appears by her side and silences her with a warning look. 

The two exit the ring, Cav taking one last look back at you with a face filled with mirth before she’s out of sight. 

One by one everyone else, including this ‘Ricket’ woman that's worried you so, returns to their previous actions, leaving you panting heavily in the middle of the ring. It’s then that Kody then approaches you, resting her arms atop the ring and cocking her head with a grin. 

“Remind me never to piss you off,” She chuckles lightly before continuing, “Come on, let’s go get you cleaned up.

“I don’t need you to follow me,” you grumble back, already moving to leave the ring.

“Doesn’t matter, orders are orders Y/N.”

She just shrugs and offers you a hand which you take. You’ve grown to like her since that first awkward encounter in the lab, her presence is equally as fun as it is annoying. Having her here right now is actually helping you to calm down a little, but you wish it was Meghan instead. Though, right now she’d probably be disappointed in how you behaved towards the end of that fight. So you guess Kody will have to do for now.

_ Orders are orders. _

You leave the gym and enter the locker room in silence, feeling her eyes on you the entire time you get yourself sorted, even up until the point you head for the shower.

“You fixing to join me in there or what?” 

You mean the quip to be sour but it lacks the venom because you’re so goddamn tired now the adrenaline has worn off. Already you can feel the bruises and aches from the spar. 

“Stop being a shit. Besides, you’re not my type jackass.”

Kody is always quick with the jokes, somehow both the instigator and defuser of chaos at the same time. It’s no wonder Mira loves her so much, she must keep the engineer on her toes.

You just roll your eyes and begin to strip off, careful to make sure Kingdom is staying with her back to you now, only stepping into the cubicle once the water has gone freezing cold. 

The icy water hits your skin and rids you off any coherent thought. 

At first it brings sharp pain that makes you audibly gasp, until you adjust to the temperature moments later, the cold then soothing your worn and battered body, helping to undo some of the knots that have formed beneath the skin. 

But it’s not enough that you can relax. 

Your mind is racing with worry on what Six wants you for. 

Sure, you had admittedly gone a tad too far back in the ring with Caviera, but he didn’t care the last time you did something like that, a time when you had an actual weapon trained on her head, so why did he care now? 

Before you can ponder any further on that, Kody’s voice pulls your attention, the woman keen to make conversation. 

“You know, seeing Pereira get her ass handed to her like that is something I’ll cherish for a while,” she starts with a low chuckle. 

You imagine she’s replaying it in her head whilst you scrub some soap into your skin. It’s not the reaction you expected anyone to have, let alone one of Caviera’s fellow operators. Last time people got very aggressive very fast. 

“I’d be lying if i said it didn't feel good to shut her up, and show her up.”

The reply comes a little later once you’ve worked the shampoo through your hair and rinsed it. 

“Oh she’s definitely taken a hit, to my knowledge no one has ever gotten her so good in the entire time I’ve been here. Not even Nokk or any of the SAS lads have managed.”

Yep, Kody definitely sounds impressed and not at all horrified that you tried to kill her. You knew there was a reason you liked the woman, even if she was an idiot. 

You chuckle to yourself and finish up, stepping out and taking the towel that she’d readied for you from her outstretched hand. She continues to have the good sense not to peek at you. 

You’d deck her if she did. 

“I took it too far.”

**_Weak._ **

“Oh yeah, no doubt about that. But still … I bet she’s going to be nursing her pride for a long fucking time. And I will be there to remind her when she tries to forget.”

Kody seems to stare off dreamily and you shake your head in sheer bewilderment at this idiot and her plans to poke the bear. 

Silence descends again as you dress and out of nowhere panic starts to brew as you realise that Six very well may be telling you to pack up your shit and go. He’d be well within his rights to do so. You could barely blame him. But if he did … you had nowhere to go. No home, no family to rely on, no friends. 

Well, you might have one option, but it would be at the extreme to pursue it when there’s no telling just who it really was you were talking to on the other end of the chatroom. For all you know the interactions are just waking hallucinations, a by-product of your fucked up head. Or maybe someone from the Ghosts with a grudge against you, siezing an oppurtunity to fuck you around and make you trip up. Stranger things have happened in your line of work. 

**_Don’t be a fucking idiot, you know damn well who it is you’re talking too. No one else has ever had access to that site._ **

The voice had a point, but to admit that was to admit that the dead could rise back up and that was pure lunacy to even entertain such a thought. 

“Earth to Y/N, come in Y/N,” Kody quips, shaking your shoulder to try and bring you back out of your own head, “You ready to go?” 

You let out a heavy sigh and look down to the cut on your knuckle.

“Yeah, let’s get this shit over with.”

* * *

“ _ It was a big ask Six, but I got you access to the files. Going to tell me why I’ve risked my neck like this? _ ” 

A distinctly feminine voice chimes over the loudspeaker, echoing through Harry’s office which is currently mid renovation. Tarp covers his whiteboard, hiding away the thoughts of his mind and all the little anecdotes he’s made about the operators. If you caught a glimpse of what was next to your name there would be no telling your reaction, the only certainty being in that it would not be good. 

Harry presses forward in his leather chair and clasps his hands together on the desk, elbows propping them up whilst he stares off to the door where you will soon be knocking. 

“In due time Miss Bowman, for now have my thanks. I’ll be back in contact soon with what I find.” 

“ _ Ok. Just be careful with this, the GST are not to be messed with. If they suspect you’re investigating one of their Ghosts … let’s just say even you’re not immune to their power. _ ” 

Harry lets out a chuckle, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, a smirk in place. 

“They should have thought about that before they placed one of their spies within my Agency. I do not appreciate being dictated to like this, it’s time they learned Rainbow is not to be meddled with.”

There was a soft groan over the line before the voice spoke up again. 

“ _ Look, I was Crow’s handler for Kingslayer, she’s loyal to a fault. Or, she was. You’ll see for yourself why that changed. _ ” 

The voice appears to growl prompting Harry to look to the screen on his wall that has the acquired file open. Several video attachments are displayed and judging from the thumbnail they are not going to be easy to watch.

“ _ She’s narrow minded but she’s no pawn. Whatever the GST and the CIA are up to, I would wager she’s as much in the dark as we are right now. Be cautious Six, but be kind. I owe her a great deal. Bowman out. _ ” 

The call abruptly ends, and not a moment too soon for there's a knock at the door. 

Six grabs the remote to his left and turns the screen off before getting up from the chair and coming to stand in front of his desk where he leans against it, arms folded across his chest and readying himself mentally for what he will do next. 

“Come in.” 

The door opens and in peers Kingdom, the JTF2 soldier clearly marvelling out how large the office looks now the expansion is complete. It’s just in need of unpacking fully now and the decorating finished. 

She steps in and holds the door open for you. 

You hesitate for a fraction of a second before you walk in, coming to a halt awkwardly at attention near the door. Your gaze sweeps the place, taking in everything you can quickly, just in case you need to make a quick exit or fend off an attack. Old habits die hard. 

“Hello Crow, Kingdom,” Six starts, a warm smile in place, a stark contrast from what you’ve been getting from the man. You know it won’t last though, once Kody leaves it will be back to a frigid ice wall between you two.

“Six.” 

Your reply is curt and to the point, Kody shaking her head a little to your left before she greets the man herself. 

“One bird lady as requested. Go easy on her, she’s had her feathers ruffled.” 

Kody’s joke falls flat, both you and Six fixing her an odd look which prompts her to hold up her hands in defeat.

“Sheesh, tough crowd,” she quips, “well, I'm guessing you want me to go right? Because I promised Elena I would help out again in the lab and I’d rather not get on her bad side right now if you catch my drift?” 

“Yes, that is all, Specialist Kingdom. Please pass on my regards to Specialist Mira, her latest report on the new ballistic weave went down a treat with the board of directors and bought me some breathing room on the new budget so let her know I’m grateful. Now, if you would take your leave please so I can talk with Crow.”

_ ‘No dont go’ _

You think to yourself, Kody noting the panic in your eyes and just placing a hand on your shoulder, offering a gentle squeeze before she leaves and closes the door behind you. 

When it connects with the frame and auto locks you shudder, taking a moment to let the impending doom envelop you before you don the facade of a stoic soldier. 

Six doesn’t say anything at first, simply regards your person with a curious gaze before he holds out a hand to you for you to shake. 

It’s a stalemate, you looking down to the hand as though it’s an IED and Six staring you down in a way that appears to be him challenging you to trip the trap. When you refuse to budge he breaks the standoff and moves closer to you, very cautiously and very carefully placing his own hand on the same shoulder that Kody grabbed earlier. 

“I suppose I have earned this reaction from you,” he begins, a softer smile now in place and a twinkle in his eye which disarms you for a moment as your gaze falls to where his hand sits, “my behaviour towards you has been far from proper and nothing like the welcome I promised you that night you found yourself on my doorstep.” 

You quirk a brow, doing your utmost best to keep still and not squirm under the unwanted contact. 

“I’m sure you have your reasons, sir.” 

He nods once before releasing his grip and gesturing for you to take a seat in what appears to be his own chair. Against your better judgement you slowly walk over and comply with the request, perching on the edge of it as though you’re ready to flee at a moment's notice. 

Six takes his place next to you, effectively sitting on the desk and facing towards you, uncomfortably close to your person and blocking the best exit there is to this room.

A quickback takes hold of your mind, the memory of your first debrief with the Ghost command post Bolivia. Acid pools in your stomach making you feel nauseous. This whole setting is all too familiar to you. 

“Initially perhaps, but your actions during the attack on Piccadilly circus have since proven them otherwise to be unfounded. I only regret that I’ve not made the time to thank you personally sooner, but as you’re probably aware my attention has been needed elsewhere in putting out the fires from that nightmare.” 

**_He’s lying._ **

You agree with the voice for a change. There’s no way this man is being sincere with you right now, but you’ll play along with his game if it means you’re not going to be kicked to the curb.

“No need for regrets on my behalf sir, I simply did my job.” 

He smiles at that before shaking his head from side to side. 

“No, you did much more than that Y/N, you proved yourself to be ready and able to make the quick thinking decisions that save lives in the field. I am only more grateful that your sacrifice to save the other operators that day was not in vain.”

That last part grabs your attention, staying quiet to encourage him to elaborate. 

“I’ve been informed by Specialist Doc and Finka that you have no memory of that encounter still, but rest assured we are working tirelessly to try and not only establish the identity of the bomber, but also to understand the motives behind the attempt to kidnap you.”

A flash of white, a screech so loud it hurts your ears and the feel of cold hand touching your face, taking your mask. 

If Six notices the way you stiffen to his words he doesn’t say anything. 

“Obviously it’s not uncommon for an enemy combatant to try and take prisoners whenever possible, but i think we can both agree that their attempt was clearly born out of something more powerful than wanting to impress their leaders.”

This snaps you back out of it. 

“What do you mean?” 

You speak fast, trying and failing to keep the panic from your voice. 

_ What is he trying to imply?  _

_ That maybe you knew this terrorist or had a connection?  _

_ What the fuck?  _

“Oh come now Crow, let us not pretend that something more isn't afoot here. You’re a tactician. In that situation, with odds stacked so heavily against them, would you seriously have me believe that encumbering themselves with a hostage that would have likely bled out before they could take them away would be a reasonable action? Had they only hesitated a fraction longer Specialist Nokk and Ash would have taken them out rendering their kidnap attempts mute. It was far too close a call to have been born out of logic and not something raw like emotion. This is something we have never seen with our enemy, so it must be investigated fully.” 

You grit your teeth, his logic was completely sound and it unnerved you more to think that you hadn’t thought about the implication of that. But you had to play it cool, whatever game Six was playing with you was clearly one in which you were blindfolded. Playing with one arm tied behind your back.

“I agree it wasn’t tactically sound,” you start, making sure to keep his eye contact whilst you spoke, “but in the heat of battle, emotions can run high and rid the mind of wisdom. Whilst their actions were indeed confusing, you said it yourself, I would not have survived to be a useful hostage to them, whoever they truly were. Perhaps they simply did not see that at the time and saw an opportunity to capture a member of Rainbow, a feat which we both know is nigh on impossible thanks to the way in which the operations are run.”

You end the small insight with a look of worry and upset, playing the grey man in this interrogation was the only way you would keep yourself from slipping up and admitting to faults that were not your own. Plus it might also help to disarm Six if he believed you were genuinely hurt by this line of questioning. 

“Either way, we will unravel the mystery that was that interaction,” six finally concedes, clearly understanding that you would not be playing along right now, “ But for now we must have our main focus being on the reason behind the attack and what they were after.”

You agree, just last week you had discussed as much with Thatcher in the mess hall. 

“Clearly the whole thing was orchestrated to distract and draw attention from where it was needed. But I'm confident that the answers lie in that apartment building you were called to. There’s no chance it was coincidence that your attempted kidnapper was there so far out of the active zone at the same time a fire broke out.”

“Has there been clues on what they were doing in there yet?” you ask quietly, feeling somewhat guilty that your medical emergency prevented the others from having a chance to check the apartment before the inferno gutted the place. 

Six really does sigh now and folds his arms across his chest again. 

“Nothing substantial yet. The room we wish to gain access too was on the higher floors which were most severely affected by the blaze. Thanks to a terrible landlord illegally cutting corners proper fire prevention measures were not in place, and as consequences the fire ripped through the complex fast without obstacle. Close to three months on and we’re still waiting on the go ahead from the fire & rescue marshall to clear the building as safe to enter.” 

You get the anger in his voice at that, from Rainbows standpoint it's nothing short of a nightmare. Any evidence that might be in that place is likely long past being useful or destroyed by the fire. But you suddenly have a thought, born from similarities to an op you ran in Lagos, Nigeria. 

“Maybe-,” you start but cut off, knowing that what you’re about to say was probably already thought of already, but Six encourages you to continue with a hand gesture, “- what they were after pertains to a who and not a what? From what Meg- Specialist Valkyrie told me, the whole reason we were even there was to investigate a report that masked men had entered the building escorting a civilian who may have been their captive.”

Six smiles again, you can practically hear the cogs of his mind working away. 

“Go on.”

“Well, maybe they needed this ‘civilian’ to access something that was hidden in that apartment. Maybe something that they lost and needed to get back, something that was so important it was more than worth the manpower required to attack a place like London.”

“If that’s true, why the attack in the first place? Why not just go in on an ordinary day in plain clothes and take what they needed without a fuss?” 

He had you there, but still you thought about it a little more, letting your brain sift through your training and that Op to try and find an answer. 

Eventually, you found it. 

“Ok, so reports said they left the building just as we got there and the number of people in question was the same as initially reported. So they entered as a five man and left as a five man, correct?” 

“Yes. We still had footage from a nearby CCTV camera, albeit it was damaged after the blast. But we got enough footage to confirm that.” 

“So, clearly what they went in for was not exactly a who. But that doesn’t mean that they didn’t have to deal with a ‘who’.” 

Six frowned. 

“Crow, you’ve lost me.”

You leant back in the chair and stared ahead, finger lightly tapping against your knee as you willed the correct words to form. 

“It’s just speculation, but let’s say that the reason they went in there was because their ‘captive’ passed on information to an occupant of that building. Information so dire and compromising to the terrorists that whoever recieved it knew it would bring danger. So they were hiding there to lay low and were waiting to bug out at the slightest sign of trouble.”

Six was still unsure of where you were going but remained quiet. 

You got to your feet and moved to the front of the desk where you started to pace. 

Considering when you walked in here you expected to be fired, this was going far more favourably, even if it had taken an odd turn. 

“You know yourself that in this world Intel is the key that unlocks everything you need to make Operations successful.” 

“True, without it we would be fumbling forever in the dark.” 

“Agreed. So with that in mind, information is the biggest commodity going among the intelligence agencies and the terrorist networks. If you’re ever lucky or stupid enough to come across something important and threatening, you don’t just trust it to anyone who isn’t capable. You give it to someone with the means to either keep it safe whilst you prepare to barter it, or you use it yourself and put crosshairs on your own head in a gamble for success. Either way, whoever has that information has to be someone either trained in our line of work or has the skills and the ability to take themselves off the grid.”

“I think I’m starting to see where you are going with this. Please continue Crow.” 

You nod, unable to keep the relief from flooding through you now you know he isn’t dismissing you. 

“So, if we follow the scenario I have in place. The White Masks have discovered the leak and have apprehended the person. Let’s assume they are stupid and have given up thier fellow conspirator up through torture, which we both know the terrorists are more than capable of.” 

Six nods, moving now so he’s facing you whole and watching you pace. 

“No one who goes off grid can ever truly erase their digital footprint, there is always a trace. So the White Masks find where this person is hiding with their stolen intel and know they have to be quiet and careful about getting it back. But there's one problem, the person who has it is smart and has failsafes in place to stop them from just walking up to the building and knocking on the door, maybe trip sensors or even just hypervigilance in place, just something that would trigger them to release the information or destroy it. Whichever will have maximum impact with them.”

“You sound as though you have personal experience with such a problem.” 

Six chuckles and you can’t help but smile, thinking back to a time when your team played cat and mouse with a warlord and a team of hackers under her employ.

“I was a Ghost, trust me when I say nothing I see can faze me anymore.” 

The admission catches you both off guard, mind immediately thinking about all the ways Finka would react to that if you’d have said that during a therapy session with her. You recover quickly however.

“So, once again with all that in mind they know the only way to succeed is to catch them unawares before they can trigger anything. And what’s the best way to catch someone like this?” 

You ask the question theoretically, already moving to answer it yourself. 

“You introduce chaos and flood them with panic, stripping them of anything more than their baser instincts to survive. You do it hard and fast, that way the margin for failure is low.”

Six claps his hands together. 

“So, the attack was simply just to terrify this hypothetical person into behaving uncharacteristically?”

You nod now. 

“Yep. Why do you think they were dressed as police officers? It would make perfect sense for them to have been there during that moment, disarming figures that in that situation you would look to for help and answers to what was happening. The perfect Trojan horse.” 

“I see the logic. It’s a stretch, but this hypothetical person is likely not to have evacuated. Especially since they were a fair way out of the AO. They would stay behind to protect the proposed Intel still whilst believing themselves to be safe.” 

“Probably, which means police knocking on your door at that point wouldn’t raise alarm bells, only annoy them as they would have to talk their way out of getting in trouble for ignoring a command issued at that level by the London Met. Not to mention posing as police meant they managed to slip through the cracks and avoid being caught because they were believed to be officers leaving the scene. They got away as fast as they probably arrived thanks to the chaos they caused.”

“But all this Crow is based on assumption after assumption, the biggest being in that the person they were after didn’t know what the contents of this Intel was that they were guarding nor did they know who it pertained to. The White Masks are far from subtle in how they dress their members. Not to mention the one that appeared to be leading that small group and who tried to take you was wearing a mask. Those aren’t standard issue for police.” 

Six muses, a frown in place but you just shrug. 

“I never said it was perfect. From what we know about this person they have already proven themselves to be at best reckless, at worst arrogant. Otherwise why would you have attempted to kidnap me when a team of Rainbow Operators were that damn close to them?”

You offer up, head starting to hurt from being engaged this hard in thought. 

“All i’m saying is that every registered tenant of that building should be looked into. The property managers questioned too. Any and everyone who is involved with moving people into the building. If you find something anomalous then bam that's a potential lead. If not? … No harm no foul, you’re sat on your arse with the place already. This you can do without even needing to go in the building itself.”

You stop pacing and stand at attention, feeling the exhaustion from the fight wash over again. At this point there isn’t a muscle in your body that doesn’t ache so you’re hoping Six lets you go soon or gets to the point of the meeting. 

“You’ve given me food for thought Crow. I'll admit that much. And I’m positively impressed with your level of critical thinking already, that just demonstrates your use even further.” 

**_He’s lying again._ **

You grimace, feeling as though there is a ‘but’ on the end of that praise. 

“And it’s only because of this that I will not be taking any further action other than a caution against you for your actions in the gym.”

You let out a small sigh of relief and nod. 

“I am well aware of your condition Y/N and the processes involved in treating you-” you visibly cringe at his words, “- but that doesn’t mean you get a free pass to lash out against your fellow Operators whenever you feel like it. You must get your temper under control if you’re to continue to work for Rainbow. I understand in your case that might be difficult, which is why I have an idea I would like to propose to you.” 

“Oh?,” you quickly respond, realising you probably should have just apologised then instead, but no matter. 

He ignores you for a moment and returns to sit behind his desk, head bowed as he rummages through a drawer and pulls out a stack of what appears to be files. From what you can see there are four in total. He picks them up for a moment, staring between both you and them before he sets them back down and pushes them towards you. 

Curiosity takes hold, you move to the desk and pick the top one up, a look of confusion taking hold as you realise these are Operator files. The one in hand is for Ricket, the woman who caused that odd flash of pain back in the gym. You put it down and quickly read the names of the other three. Ember, Buha and last but not least Apollo. 

They’re not familiar to you, but since you're a bit of a hermit on base that doesn’t surprise you. 

“Sir, i'm confused?” 

Six just leans back in his chair and laces his hands together, arms resting on each side of the recliner. 

“We went off on a tangent. But the whole purpose of this meeting was for me to offer up apologies and establish a new line of communication with you. Also to give you an assignment that I think will not only benefit yourself, but also Rainbow.” 

You cock your head and look down the files again before returning to meet his gaze. He looks amused. 

“Crow, meet your new team. I’m putting you in charge of leading these newly passed recruits into becoming fully functioning operators on Rainbow’s level of standards.”

_ Oh. _

_ Oh no. _

You splutter a little and pull your hands away immediately. 

“You- you can’t be  _ serious _ ?”

The words come out like an accusation, but Six doesn’t falter. How he can even think something like is a good idea after what he saw in the gym is beyond you. You actually think the man might be a little crazy after all, trusting you with something like this after you fucked it all up with the Ghosts. 

“Deadly.” 

He quips back, amused smile still in place. 

“Crow, regardless of what you think you have already proven yourself to be a capable leader. The file provided to me by the GST tells me as much. Now, before you complain. I would like to remind you that this is not a democracy and is a direct order. You will train and have these recruits operational ready or you will be discharged from Rainbow and sent back to the GST, do I make myself clear?” 

There it was, the card Six had been playing so close to his chest. He must know what would happen to you if you went back, either that or he truly didn’t care about the majority of those he asked to trust in his leadership of Rainbow. If he did, he wouldn’t be putting someone as unstable as you in this situation. 

Leading these four poor lambs to the slaughter. You, the unwilling Butcher. 

**_You’re the Butcher of Bolivia. It suits you._ **

The voice forcibly casts back your mind to those videos you’d found of yourself and your team on your last Op with the Ghosts. 

Funny how things came full circle like that. 

“If you’re going to throw up, can I ask that you do it in the sink over there? The floors are newly installed.” 

Six quips and you almost lunge at him, starting to shake a little in anger. 

“Now now Crow, no need for that look,” he starts, leaning fully forward in his chair now, “I meant what I said about starting anew with each other. I want us to trust and befriend each other, but there are secrets you are hiding from me that are hampering this attempt. So, unless you’re willing to tell me right now what it is you’re hiding then this is how it will have to be. That is, until the truth comes out. And it will … make no mistake about that.” 

He’s got you, he’s fucking got you. 

The bastard knows about the chatroom, there's nothing else you’re hiding right now. 

But even though you know you should just fess up and tell him you’re talking with a literal ghost and it has no bearing on Rainbow, you can’t bring yourself to do so. Because of the very nature of the site and how it wipes the messages you type to each other there would be no way of proving you aren’t doing something like passing on information or shit like that. 

He could blame any future fuck up on you if he wanted to now. He has you by the fucking balls.

Six takes your dumbfounded silence as confirmation. 

“Very well, take the files with you and become familiarised with every detail. You start training next week. Dismissed Specialist Crow.”

He glares at you over his glasses. 

From now on you’ll make no mistake with him, this man is dangerous and he’s smart in how he plays it. No wonder he’s sitting where he is whilst you’re just stood there, a failed Ghost and potential Rainbow fuck up. 

The tell tale signs of a panic attack start to surface.

You take the files and leave. 

* * *

It’s 11pm and you’re in your bed with Meghan. She’s laying with her head in your lap whilst you are sitting up against the pillows and combing your hands through her hair. It should be a peaceful moment between you two, but she found out what happened between you and Caviera and is determined to talk about it. 

Fortunately she’s not mad like you expected, but she isn’t particularly thrilled either, mainly because she was the one who had to deal with the anger from Twitch after it. Nor is she happy that she had to find out about it from the GIGN operator when she found her waiting outside your dorm ready to throw hands with you the moment you showed up.

You did your best to explain why you acted the way you did, but it all sounded like nothing but excuses, like you were using this new found diagnosis to justify generally shitty behaviour from yourself. 

It was toxic to rely on the PTSD to explain away every little thing you did that was perceived as wrong, but in truth it was all you had to go off. You didn’t truly know why you choked her so hard, why you let your temper override and try to kill her. Maybe it was because when it cut to the crunch of it all, Caveira showing up in the Bolivia was the catalyst to it all going so fucking horribly wrong there, and deep down that resentment and blame would always remain. 

The devil herself had become a personal demon of your own, only this one got to play around outside of your head and was very real, very tangible.

You know you’ll have to apologise again at some point to the bitch, pretend to be remorseful and all that shit, but for now you were more than content for the brazilian witch to stay as far away from you as the others would make her. You’ll also deal with Twitch but on your own terms. 

And when you’ve done that, you’ll take the opportunity to remind everyone that whilst yes, you were training and you took it too far, that they should also remember if you don’t train like it's fucking real you’ll never be ready for when the time comes round again where you and the others will have to fight like your lives depend on it. 

Because they will. 

It’s something you think bitterly to yourself, wondering if you’ll ever get a time in your life again that is peaceful. Hell, even just a month without the world being tied to your ankles and weighing you down whilst you try not to drown in this endless ocean of bullshit would do.

“- so I told him that’s not how you clean the barrel of his rifle and he obviously-”

You zone back in to hear bits and pieces of what Meghan is talking about, the woman you love effectively holding the conversation for both of you right now, which is good because you’re clearly not with it tonight. 

Your mind is currently torn between the meeting with Six, the subsequent panic attack that you spent locked in a utility closet to ride out and of course, the four names whose lives have been placed into your hands in yet another cruel twist of fate.

Unfortunately, as much as Meghan can talk the ear off a minister she’s also incredibly perceptive, especially when it comes to you. She can look at you from a distance for less than a minute and just know what mood you’re in based on how you hold yourself. And now that she’s bored of your silence, she is eager to find out what’s getting to you now. Meaning you have no choice but to pay attention to the literal sun in your otherwise bleak life right now. 

“Y/N, you ignoring me?”

“Sorry baby, you were saying?” 

You try to trick her, to steer the conversation from where it will inevitably go but it doesn’t work. 

She moves from your lap and crawls onto it instead, forcing you to shift forward so she can wrap her legs around your waist and lock you in. 

“Nice try Y/N. But something is bothering you right now and I want you to talk to me like you promised you would.”

She can be rather demanding this muscled goddess, and looking how she did it wouldn’t be hard to understand why you caved so easily to her every request. 

You wonder whether you should tell her about what happened with Six, how he played you and made barely spoken threats. But that isn’t something you want to involve Meghan in if you can help it. If the ship must go down you want to be the only Captain staying at the wheel. She’d worked far too hard in Rainbow to lose it all and drown in your mistakes. 

“It’s just been a rough day, that’s all.” 

You lean forward and press your forehead against hers, noses lightly touching whilst your hands rest on her hips. 

“That’s not it,” she whispers, prompting you to look up and meet her gaze, “I know you met with Six today.”

Your breath hitches, of course Kody blabbed.

When you don’t respond she cups your cheeks with her palms and places a soft kiss against your lips to keep you in the moment with her. 

“What happened, what did he say? Was it about Taina?” 

Valkyrie reels the questions off thick and fast and you end up placing your own hands atop hers and rubbing the back of them with your thumbs. 

“No, it was-” you cut off, wondering what to even say, settling on a half truth, “he obviously spoke to me about that but it was only a caution.” 

Meghan lets out a sigh of relief, apparently expecting you to tell her you’d been booted or some shit and this was your last night together on base. 

“Anything else? You seem … sad.”

You shake your head a little and lean against her chest, knowing if you make eye contact you won’t be able to lie to her. She takes the bait and wraps her arms around you, letting you hide against her. 

“Uhh, yeah. He apologised for being so distant with me. Promised it was going to be different from now on and that I’d proven myself. I guess getting blown up is some rite of passage here.” 

The joke falls flat as it always will with Meghan, but she doesn’t pull away. 

“Well, that’s good to hear. About time he stopped with all the suspicions and asking me to-” 

She cuts off abruptly, mere moments from standing on a landmine with you by admitting she’d been spying on you. Fortunately for her your brain is far too tired and erratic to pick up on the cue and you just murmur something unintelligible into her chest. 

The air must tickle because she starts to giggle and that sound is like music to your ears. 

“You haven’t even heard the best part yet.” 

You peer up at her, forcing a smile to your lips though within you feel like utter shit. 

“Go on?”

“He’s giving me Captain on my own team of new Operators from the last batch of recruits who passed initiation.”

She really does pull away now, an excited look on her face.

“Holy shit Y/N, that’s huge for you! He must really trust you now if he’s giving you a shot at TL so early on.” 

‘ _ Oh no Meghan, it’s not trust. _ ’ 

You think calmly to yourself.

He’s playing mind games and forcing your hand, hoping you’ll fail and get someone else killed again. He’s just like the rest of them, building you up so he can bleed you dry and leave you to die. When he eventually cottons on to what you’ve been keeping from him and the others, he’s sure to make a big spectacle of it if his attitude towards you is anything to go off. 

You’ll lose everything taking the fall for matters that are out of your hands. 

You’ll lose Meghan. 

That thought hits you like a knife to the gut and you grimace. 

**_No. You can take back control. You know how._ **

For the first time since it appeared the voice actually brings some hope and you quickly come to the realisation that you can in fact still play this game with Six and win. 

How? 

Ignore the chatroom, never go back to it again, leave the ghost within the machine to haunt in the silence of your ignorance. Just leave it the fuck alone from now on. 

Clearly Six has some kind of tracker on the damn machine, so why even bother? It’s not like you’re gaining anything from this lunacy other than sleepless nights spent imagining all the different ways in which maybe a certain someone could have survived El Sueno. 

You feel like the dumbest person alive at this revelation, a fool fucking blinded from what was right in front of them the whole time. 

It makes you laugh out loud, Meghan taking that as you being happy now that you’ve talked with her. 

“Baby, I’m so fucking proud of you right now, dinner is on me when you’re ready to go out on an actual date.” 

She jokes and laughs with you, but you can hear the longing in that last part. 

“Let’s go out tomorrow night,” the offer falls from your lips before you can even stop it, but Meghan’s reaction is so worth the anxiety that will likely follow you when you actually do it. 

“Really?” she whispers with a beaming smile so radiant that it actually warms you up. 

“Yes. You’ve been very patient with me whilst I’ve recovered. And I know I've not been the best to be around lately. So let me take you out and make it up to you? You can pick the place.” 

Meghan squeals in delight and captures your lips against her own in a searing, giddy kiss. For a former Marine you wouldn’t believe this woman was actually just a giant teddy bear, it makes your heart soar to think she is only like this for you and you alone. 

“Y/N, I love you.” 

“I love you too Meghan.”

* * *

It’s something after 2am when Meghan leaves to go sleep in her own room, the two of you still adjusting to sneaking around and not making it overly obvious that you’re together. 

You sit in front of the laptop, eyes on the clock in the corner knowing that any moment now the machine will light up and expect you to follow its command like you've been doing diligently a few times every week now. 

A minute ticks by and then it happens. And as practised you move the cursor to the browser and prepare to end this madness once and for all. Ready to prove Six wrong and be the best damn Operator Rainbow had ever seen if it meant you could stay with Valkyrie. 

The past is in the past, it's time to let go and just concentrate on moving forward.

The screen switches to the haunted website and like always the cursor is wrestled from you and words start to appear in the textbox on it. 

_ ‘Hey Crow, sorry it’s been a while. I’ve got something important to tell you.’ _

You read the words, a scowl forming on your lips. 

Be strong Crow, don’t falter. 

_ ‘Look, whoever this is. Know that this stops tonight. I’m going to cut contact from this point forward. No more mind games, no more cryptid messages. I’m done with this shit. I need to move on. And don’t think I’m lying either, my mind is made up.’  _

You read the message back to yourself before pressing enter with a satisfied smile on your face. Watching with a degree of amusement as the ghost starts to panic.

_ ‘What?’ _

_ ‘No!’ _

_ ‘Crow listen to me! You’re going to need me, don’t do this!’ _

You roll your eyes at that. 

_ ‘I don’t even truly know who the fuck you are. All I know is that you’re pretty damn good at digging up personal stuff about me and think I’m naive enough to believe you’re someone who I watched die with my own eyes. I. AM. DONE. GOODBYE.’ _

Satisfied you’re actually done, you put into motion the blocker you set up to stop the site from being able to remotely access your laptop and erase its existence from the machine. Slamming the lid shut with a dramatic sigh before you get up and crawl into bed.

Had you only hung on a moment later you would have seen their tirade of replies. 

_ ‘Y/N, it’s me. It’s Midas.’ _

_ ‘Look, I promise I’ll find a way to prove it to you. But I can’t do anything right now’ _

_ ‘I fucked up when I let you go in London and now they’re onto me. If they find out who you are, if they find out what we were to each other and that i’m talking with you.’ _

_ ‘They’ll come for you Y/N, they won’t stop until you and everyone you care about is dead.’ _

_ ‘Please. You’ve got to trust me.’ _

_ ‘Are you there?’ _

_ ‘Seriously, I’m not fucking with you. It’s Midas!’ _

_ ‘Crow, I’m so sorry.’ _

_ ‘I’ll never stop until I can find a way for us to be together again.’ _

_ ‘I love you Y/N, got to go.’ _

_ ‘Forever yours - Midas’ _


	13. An Angel, a Bastard, a Baby and a Dumbass walk into Hereford Base

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always sorry for the delay, this is a complex story that sometimes runs away with itself and leaves me chasing after it with a stick to try and beat it back into line! 
> 
> This will be the only named chapter (discord joke, told ya i'd do it). 
> 
> Thank you to all the lovely readers who take time out of their day to comment and a huge shout out to the gang for all the wonderful OC's and shouting at me to get this written. Couldn't do it without you! 
> 
> Enjoy!

It’s a quiet night at Hereford and you’re alone, walking the halls with barely a sound to be heard from your footfalls. 

The only light is coming from flits of moonlight, passing between half-closed blinds against the corridor windows, and the occasional soft glow from an emergency bulb on the wall, each time illuminating only half of your person and casting shadows onto your face. 

At your feet, pooling in a dense, eerie lake crawls the fog. It’s presence is the reason for the silence. 

It came through the air filters, thick and fast, flooding the entire base in a mere minute or so. No one could have prepared for it, no one could have reacted in time. Consciousness ripped from them, sending those that were awake at the time crashing into the ground, those that were sleeping into a deeper slumber. 

But not you, whatever you are right now, whoever you are … you’re immune, able to wade through it with no fear. 

There’s a sound in your ear that you can’t place, one that floods you with barely repressed anger and colours your eyes red. It governs your movements, sends you in the direction of the one that is to be your prey. You can’t fight it nor understand it, your mind is not your own and your body is it’s vessel. You’re just a passive observer here. 

It has you stalk forward, weapon raised and held with strong, stable hands. You step over the few faceless bodies that are strewn between it and the intended target. A sense to show empathy to the fallen is ripped from you the moment it appears, the sound roaring in your ear and commanding you to obey, to accept the subjugation. 

And you do. 

You press on, making the final push to your target location. A hand ghosts over the door handle before throwing the door open with reckless abandon. 

Someone startles, another faceless body. It begs for help, makes a demand for answers, terrified of the way you hold the weapon on it’s form.

“Crow! What are you doing?” 

**_It’s not me._ **

“Stand down!”

**_I can’t._ **

“Please don’t do this.”

**_Help me!_ **

But the sound intensifies, minces your head and lashes at your skin leaving painful welts. The pain crawls up your neck and drills into the back of your skull until you squeeze the trigger. 

Then nothing.

* * *

The sounds of combat boots hitting the floor echoes along the hall, steadily growing louder until they come to an abrupt halt. Reaver sighs heavily, suppressing the growl that wants to fall from his lips when he turns to see the door to his private quarters being pushed open. 

“What do  _ you _ want?” 

He rounds on the figure that steps past the threshold of his sanctum so brazenly, coming to stand across from where he is sitting at his desk and peering down at him through narrowed eyes. 

One of Reaver’s hands is very carefully slipping the mask he was thumbing over back into the pocket of his Tac pants, the other is resting atop his laptop and very clearly pushing the lid back down, an obvious show to the other that he didn’t care for their snooping.

“Watch your tongue, pup.” 

The figure bites back, accent noticeably Danish with a tint of Polish. 

They move closer, coming to stand directly behind Reaver, one slender finger running up his neck and coming to tilt his chin upwards. Reaver shudders, biting on his lip and averting his gaze to anything but the bitch looking down on him. 

Her name is Yana, but few dare use her real name for fear of losing their tongue, instead she commands through the pseudonym ‘Artemis’, thinking herself something like a goddess, beloved by the pack she leads to hunt. But make no mistake, this bitch is the devil reincarnated herself. 

And Reaver, he hates her with all the blood and bone in his body. 

He yanks his head away and actually growls this time, anger only growing as her smirk widens and she flashes those pointed fangs of hers.

“What do you want,  _ Artemis?! _ ” 

The way he speaks back again to her does him no favours.

“Oh Reaver, always biting the hand that feeds. What a naughty little wolf you are.”

She slaps him hard across the cheek and grips onto his chin again, nails digging hard into the skin to the point they nearly pierce it. It takes all the resolve he has in the world to not break her fucking wrist there and then for touching him, but he knows the consequences will be beyond dire for him if he does. 

He’s already on thin ice with her since the mission in London went so awry. He was ordered to capture Savant (the female hacker from Anonymous), dispose of any and all evidence of what she and Ortega had uncovered, and get out before Rainbow could see them, detonating the car if they got too close. The only part that he had followed was setting the damn fire to the apartment and retrieving the stolen data files, but no one cared to give him credit for that, they were all very much wrapped up in the fact that he’d risked him and his team being ID’d by Rainbow and that he’d let the others and you go. 

You, the ghost that haunted his every thought now. 

“Still licking your wounds?” She chuckles dryly. 

Artemis had taken a particular pleasure in punishing him since his ‘fuck up’ by killing Savant, the woman furious that Reaver had froze up around you and wasted an opportunity to kill some of Rainbows main players, especially considering they served themselves up on a silver platter to him. She saw it as a weakness in the man, a flaw that no one who served under her could have.

Of course, she was only really mad that he hadn’t killed the others, she was thankful that he’d at least left you alive. Because unbeknownst to Reaver, your death would have been a huge fuck up in the eyes of her superiors. 

You, the unknowing pawn in a plot so secretive that even Artemis wasn’t privy to all of it.

The Shrike had made it very clear from the start of this grand plan that should any of them engage you in combat you were not to be killed. And as much of a badass that Artemis thought she was, even she would not cross the shadowy leader of the White Masks. 

Watching you get blown up, she wasn’t sure what made you so damn special that you were to be given such ludicrous protection, her best and only guess was that you were perhaps a double agent of some sort? Either way it didn’t matter, she had to trust her commander there, trust in this grand scheme of thiers, but that didn’t mean she had to like it.

Still, it could be worse, she could be completely in the dark like Reaver. 

As far as the poor man was concerned your survival was shocking news, your placement with Rainbow even more so. Artemis had been sure to put on a show that she didn’t know who you were, treated you like she would any other enemy of the cause. But it was her that had made everyone else aware of your face like she was instructed to nearly a year ago when the plan was put into effect and you were sent to Rainbow. 

Hell, even Reavers own team knew at this point. They were instructed to keep you out of harm's way when possible, even if that meant going against what Reaver ordered of them which so far had been easy since he hadn’t been back out into the field to even have a chance to see you. Not that he was a real danger to you anyway, the man was already proving that his dumb, lovestruck heart ruled that fickle head of his, just like The Shrike predicted it would when he found out. 

It was how Artemis was able to get under his skin so easily, a way she could take out her frustrations from being kept on the leash and left to languish in confusion about you.

But even she knew there was a limit to how far she could push the man. And in playing these deceptions with him they were risking a great deal. Ex ghost or not, the man could prove dangerous should he turn on them, so she was having to step up her game in manipulating Reaver until it was time for him to play his part too in this plot. 

“Treat me like i’m a child, you’ll get childish responses.” He scoffs, holding her gaze now.

“But you are a child,  _ my child _ .” Artemis coos with a sickeningly sweet tone that brings his lips into a thin line again. 

He just watches her through narrowed eyes survey his room, the bitch clearly looking for evidence of some treachery, determined to catch him out. 

“And a disobedient one at that.” She finally adds with a huff.

Revear just responds with a smirk knowing he’s gotten under  _ her _ skin now. 

It’s become somewhat of a pastime for him now, the two always coming to blows over the smallest of things. But the way he saw it, any kind of friendship between the two was doomed from the start.

You see, there were things that Reaver was blind too, but when it came to who Artemis really was he considered himself somewhat of an expert. He knew that the woman prided herself on bringing all those around her to heel, cultivating herself a select pack of vicious, obedient hunters. She had hand picked every soldier personally and had them prove their fealty to her by killing a loved one. For most that was a close friend, a firstborn child or even a parent. It mattered none to her as long as the love had once existed between them. 

But with Reaver it had been different (not his fault) and he believed that annoyed the bitch to no end and would always give the edge over her that the others like him didn't have.

When she found him in Bolivia, a one man army running a campaign of vengeance against every Cartel member that was left in the wreckage of Santa Blanca, Reaver had no one she could exploit or use against him. But that didn’t stop her from trying to sink in her claws and attempting to catch him anyway. She had wanted him from the very first moment she’d laid her beady, narrow eyes on him, relishing in the pure rage and fury that the man emanated, seeing an opportunity to use that to break and bend him to her own will.

But it had not gone the way she expected. 

Her first attempts were met with deadly force, Reaver slaying some of her best men that she had sent to bring him to her. Naturally, she sent more. Growing ever more vengeful with each failure from her pack, so much so she resided to going after him herself, this time with the intentions of just killing him for the indignation of making her look like a fool.

Reaver remembered their fight fully, not a single detail lost. Hell he had some wicked scars to back up the tale. It was brutal and prolonged, neither winning until Artemis finally gained the upper hand by cheating. She was making to finish him off when she was stopped by none other than The Shrike who still to this day remains a mystery to Reaver. 

The secretive leader of the White Masks had risked a great deal going out to Bolivia to see who was killing their men so easily, even in disguise. They watched the battle from the shadows with interest. And then (for no apparent reason) decided to intervene, demanding that Artemis not only bring in Reaver alive, but for Artemis to recruit him so they could use him. 

Faced with overwhelming odds, Reaver had little choice but to submit and accept the ‘invitation’, for he knew within that he was only living on borrowed time. It was not a question of ‘if’, but more a question of ‘when’ the GST were going to try and hunt him down once they learned he was still alive. A soldier like him was just too powerful to be left unchecked, especially with all he had done in their name and all that he knew. 

He either had to accept his death or fall in line with someone with the power to hide him, which was where the White Masks came in. Though he didn’t agree with their methods of going about their business in remaking the world, it did help that the White Masks were planning on going up against the CIA, who he ultimately blamed for the fuckup in Bolivia that cost him his team and more importantly you. 

When it cut to the crunch of it, the White Masks would just be a means to an end in getting revenge. He didn’t rightly care how he got it, as long as that was still the goal he would cross every damn line his morals would put in front of him and accept the label of Terrorist. 

But seeing you alive had thrown a spanner in an already broken machine.

“Can we hurry this up? I’m due to train soon.”

He scratches at his chin and watches Artemis continue to look around his well furnished room, clearly ignoring his request and keeping her back to him. With a sigh he turns from her and looks down to his laptop, mind wandering again to London and you, again.

He knew that when the time came that you found out the extent of his defection you would probably try to kill him, it would be your job after all now that you were with Rainbow. But he was working on a plan for that, he just had to keep you alive and out of Artemis’s clutches until he could prove he was more valuable than that bitch could ever be to The Shrike. It would be the only way to keep you safe and return you to his arms, fighting side by side again. Or maybe he would take you away from all of this and have that peaceful life you’d spoken about wanting so many years ago in Bogata, drunk off your face in that cliffside shanty bar. 

But Artemis was proving to be a bigger problem than he first thought.The mere thought that he might now be questioning his ‘loyalty’ to her and the cause was enough to drive her to pursue your identity. 

It hadn’t mattered to her at all at the start of her investigation that you were probably dead, even on the off chance you had survived the blast, she just had to know who it was that could get under his skin this hard to break through her programming. She interrogated him a fair bit, looking for mistakes in his answers, nothing Reaver couldn’t handle at first. But now Artemis was proving to be a real thorn in his side now they knew you had indeed survived, the news of all things reporting that Rainbow suffered no fatalities. 

“Are you ready to tell me what I want to know?” Artemis smiles down at him as she returns to where he is sat and breaks him from his train of thought, a hand gently stroking through his hair. 

“The sooner you tell me who she is ... what she is to you, the sooner we can return to the pleasantries.” She adds, whispering the words into his ear and brazenly nibbling on the lobe prompting him to yank away and get to his feet. 

She finds she can play the confused interrogator role quite well with Reaver, he has no idea she isn’t being genuine when she questions him relentlessly.

“I’ve already fucking told you, I don’t know. It was mistaken identity that’s all.” 

He lies with a growl and moves to stand by the window, looking out to the runway where some new recruits are being ‘initiated’. 

“You’re a terrible liar, pup. And my patience for your little antics is wearing thin.” Artemis growls, lifting the lid of his laptop to find only a blank screen. “The Shrike knows you’re hiding something, going too them after your fuck up in London was idiotic. Asking for access to the mainframe even more so.”

She had him there. 

Seeing you so badly hurt in London had unhinged Reaver’s already fragile mind, so much so he didn’t even think of the implication of making such bold requests. It was his own internal reasoning that he could use the backdoor leak that the white masks had on the GST’s main servers to find information about your survival from El Sueno and to maybe get updates on your condition, the man figuring you were just with Rainbow on a contractual basis. 

But The Shrike denied the request as Reaver could not come up with a decent excuse as to why he might need it. And it only lessened the trust he had with the terrorist group. Now he was watched near round the clock. 

“Do you actually want something from me that I can give, or are you just bored?” Reaver finally snaps, overly done with this interaction now. 

Artemis punches him hard in the jaw, the blow catching him completely off guard and knocking him to the floor where she proceeds to step over him, towering over his prone form. 

“One more word and I’ll kill you right now.” The words fall from her lips with enough venom to kill a man. He has the good sense to stay down, knowing when to push and when to pull with her. This was not a moment to fuck around. 

She glares at him a little longer, almost challenging him to react, but the expression quickly melts into a smile when she realises he’s actually being compliant for a change.

“Despite my better judgement, I’ve decided to put you back on mission. Give you another chance to prove yourself.” 

Reaver quirks a brow, rubbing at his jaw before carefully getting back up to his feet. This is good, exactly what he wanted. Now you’ve cut contact online, the only way he’s going to see you again is if he’s out in the field, even if he will be directly opposing you. 

“I won’t let y-”

She cuts him off, pointed finger poking into his chest.

“It comes with a condition.” She growls. 

‘ _ Here it comes. _ ’ Reaver thinks to himself, knowing full well what she’s about to say. 

“If you see that woman again in the field, you are not to engage her. Do I make myself clear?”

“What?!” 

He scoffs, happy that she hasn’t asked for your head but confused as to why she would have him run from you. Whatever game she's playing catches him off guard.

“You heard me. Question me again and I’ll put a bullet in you myself, save whoever she is the trouble. Now, dismissed.”

He just growls and storms out, hand tightly gripping your scarf. 

One way or another, you’re going to be with him again. And no one, not even The Shrike themselves will stop him.

* * *

You jerk awake, the gunshot making your ears ring and twitch in pain. With a start you pull yourself up and frantically look to your hands, confused to find them empty of the weapon you’d fired at that person against your will. 

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” 

Valkyrie's voice cuts straight through the fog in your mind, grounds you back to reality. You feel her shift in the bed until her chest is pressed up against your back and her arms wrap around your waist, enveloping you in a comforting hug. 

“You’re soaking wet.” She comments on how sweaty you feel, bringing a hand up to your head to check your temperature. “Babe, you’re burning up. Are you feeling ok?” 

Fear laces her words now and you know what she’s thinking. Meghan is terrified of anything that might send you back to the medbay, scared to see you laid out again in that bed, so close to death.

It's her fear that brings you fully back to consciousness.

“Sorry, bad dream- at least, I think it was?” 

You turn in the embrace and rest your head against hers for a moment and close your eyes, her cool skin is soothing against your own. She is right, you are running hot right now, but physically you don’t feel sick, there’s just a dull pain radiating from the base of your neck. You can ignore it though, it will pass. 

She sighs against you, hands snaking up to pull you in closer whilst she places a soft kiss against your head, lightly pushing you back afterwards so that you’ll look at her. 

“It could be a fever?” Valk quickly offers up, the concern is not going anywhere anytime soon. “Maybe your meds? I know when I was on painkillers for an injury they fucked me up for a little while.” She adds with a worried smile. 

You shake your head and press your hands against her cheeks, a tired smile on your face. 

“Maybe we should postpone today, Kody can take the recruits until it passes-”

“Meghan, babe, chill. I’m ok, I promise … It was just a bad dream, Finka warned me shit like this might happen and that I shouldn’t be concerned.”

That was true, Lera had suggested side effects might be strong for the medication, she never said you’d get nightmares on that scale but you’d had worse. If anything what you experienced was just odd, and notably devoid of anything to do with Bolivia or Midas, if this was the worst of it then you’d agree you got a good deal. 

‘Nightmares over PTS attacks any day of the week’ you think to yourself with a small chuckle. 

The promise you made to yourself last week echoes in your head.

“I’ve got to do this, today! No delaying it, this team needs to know it can trust me to lead. Be a poor show if i’m out sick on the first damn day.” 

You chuckle lightly and she does smile back, but you can tell she’s not ready to drop it just yet. 

“Ok, will you at least tell me about the dream then?” 

Her voice wavers, betraying her nerves, she’s unsure if she’s stepped on a landmine with you by asking such a thing. But once again your mind is cast back to another promise you made, this time one to Meghan herself, one in which you agreed to open up to her. Besides, it was just a dream, no harm would come from telling her.

Or so you had thought as you proceeded to tell her over breakfast and through the shower. 

But as you make your way to the gym to finally meet your recruits with Meghan at your side, you can see her mind racing behind her eyes. Where you laughed at the absurdity of it all she frowned. It was one thing to flashback to your torture and training, it was another enirely to imagine yourself stalking through the base to kill one of your own. 

At least she assumed it was one of Rainbow, logically who else would you have been stepping over? The base's location was classified to all but the highest levels, the chances of attack were so marginally low that even the armed soldiers that guarded them were relaxed on duty. 

She didn’t relish the thought of you suffering from nightmares but worse still was the thought that you were the danger in them. Dream or no dream it cast her mind back to your multiple instances with Caveria, clearly you were more than capable of hurting the team whether that be intentional or not. And she couldn’t help but think of what Six had said to her about you being a threat to them. With you, nothing was ever black or white, everything had to be analysed, even your unconscious thoughts.

“You’re quiet. Have I upset you?” 

Your voice disturbs her errant thoughts and she immediately scolds herself for being so obvious in her concern, trying to put on a warm smile as you both approach the doors to the main training gym.

“No, I was just thinking about something I put in a report last week. Just boring clerical stuff I should go fix.” Meghan lies, throwing an arm up behind her head and cocking her head with a sheepish smile. 

You don’t buy it, not even for a moment, but your nerves are frantic at the moment thinking about how the recruits will react to you so you let it pass. 

“I get that, I hate doing those.” 

You smile back to her and steal a quick glance around to see if anyone is lurking before you lean in to place a quick kiss against her cheek. Her eyes flutter closed for the smallest of moments at the affection before she steps away and takes your hand.

“I need to go check in with Grace, you think you can manage the recruits on your own?” Meghan lies again. Well, a half lie, she is going to see Dokkabei, just not for a casual chat. 

**_Weak._ **

The voice chimes in before you can answer prompting you to scoff. 

“Yeah I’m good, can’t have you going all good cop on them whilst i try to play drill sergeant. You’re too soft on the FNG’s.” 

You tease her and the smile that reaches her lips at that ‘accusation’ is genuine, easing a little of the tension that is stemming from her.

“I am not. Just ask Ela.” Meghan quips back and gives your hand a quick squeeze before turning away. 

“Good luck Crow!” She throws back over her shoulder as she leaves, gaze flickering to one of the base air vents for a fraction of a second before she hurries herself away.

You watch her go with an odd look on your face before scanning your ID at the door, stepping through them as they parted to what could only be described as a physical debate happening among the inhabitants of the room.

Of the four that were in there, two appeared to be locked into some kind of argument and were being kept apart by another whilst the last one observed with their arms crossed against their chest.

“Oh yeah?! Say that to my face you fucking-” 

You shake your head, unable to understand whatever it was that the small woman was calling the larger man. It sounded greek, which meant that the woman was undoubtedly Apollo, or Thalia Kostas, EKAM operative and the youngest of your new team at the tender age of 25. 

Even from a distance you could see how fired up she was, standing at 4’11 you might have likened her to a chihuahua snapping at the heels of the larger dogs, but her rage more than made up for her stature and added the intimidation factor that she needed. Any errant thoughts that she might be calm and collected like Ying soon went out the door. 

You were looking forward to getting to know her beyond her file, but one thing was already certain, her anger would need to be curbed.

**_Hypocrite._ **

“I would, but I don’t think I can get down that low!” 

The only male in both the room and your team quipped back to her with a shit eating grin on his face. You shake your head again but keep your distance for now to observe the interaction, mentally going over what you remembered from his file. 

Buha, age 31, real name Neculai Vasile, which was a mouthful for you no matter how many times you’d practised pronouncing it (thank god for callsigns). Hailing all the way from Romania, the SRI (BAT) unit to be exact, he stood at 5’10 (towering over Apollo) and was built like any average grunt from the army. Notably he had a little bit of a hunch, similar to what Twitch, Dokkabei and Echo had, the only real tell that the man was a computer engineer. But other than that the man looked to be pretty standard for Rainbow.

“Cut it out, apologise to each other!” 

The unmistakable ‘Ember’ spoke up now, the woman planted firmly between the two with a slight, albeit strained smile on her lips. 

Standing at an impressive 6’2, age 27, Iris Rafferty came to you from the US. The woman was a sight to behold, she was a part time firefighter, EMT and full time Army Ranger, so she was bound to be packing the kind of muscle and strength that Valkyrie had. Her file was littered with impressive feats as well, even a note from Harry exclaiming his admiration for her given that she delayed joining Rainbow the first time in order to volunteer in Australia to help out with their bushfires last year. 

She, like Buha and Apollo, had plenty of skills that you could put to use in an assault fireteam if you could get them to synergise. 

“Listen Vasile, I may be 4’11 but I can still fuck your mom!” 

Apollo spits back with a satisfied smirk on her face from the reaction that she gets. Immediately all tension is lost in the room and everyones laughing, including the other seemingly quiet observer in the room besides yourself, Ricket.

Worrying to both Doc and Finka, your memory from London is still heavily omitted, so whilst you recognise Ricket from flits of imagery and half rendered scenes in your head, she’s as much a stranger to you than the others, which is why you took careful time reading through her file and listening to Eliza talk about her (Ash takes care in knowing all the other IDF recruits). 

Similar to Apollo, Noah Lewin (her actual name) is on the younger side of Rainbow at the age of 28 and is slender like her. Like Ash she was recruited for her exemplary abilities in the field as demonstrated by her record with the IDF, but what really caught Six’s attention was her time served with the JTTF in the US, taking down terrorist cells before they could grow overseas. 

Already the recruit was impressing the senior members of Rainbow in the simulations, so out of all the operators put in your care you figured Ricket would be the least work. Unlike the others she was there for the London attack so already had some experience of how the unit operated.

“Hey Crow!” 

Ricket is first to notice your presence and calls to you. She quickly snaps to attention, seemingly remembering why you were even there in the first place. 

You resist the urge to roll your eyes and stride in to meet them, watching with a bemused expression as all but Apollo follow suit. The greek operator appears to just study you with marginal interest, clearly sizing you up and making on the spot judgements but trying to pretend differently, like you were no matter to her. 

**_She’ll learn soon enough._ **

“No need for that with me, I’m the TL not Six.” 

You wave off the formalities right off the bat, internalising the smirk before it can form as you think on how Thatcher and some of the other older ops would scoff at you for doing so if they were here. You’re equal parts ‘sugar’ as you are ‘stick’ with your methods of teaching and leading, it served you well with the Ghosts so there was no reason to think it wouldn’t work with Rainbow.

The team drop into a casual stance and visibly relax. Now that they realise you’re not going to be one of ‘those’ kind of Captains they seem less apprehensive and more attentive, Apollo included.

“I’m not even going to ask what that was about, I trust you’re all mature enough to handle your shit.” 

Buha grinned, shooting Apollo a filthy look that was returned in earnest prompting both Ember and Ricket to purse their lips to keep from laughing. 

“That being said, I will not tolerate any kind of attitude or behaviour that will compromise this team's ability to do its duty. You wanna let off steam you do it on your own time, in here and out there you are members of Rainbow. Your fuck-ups are my fuck-ups which i will not abide. So you will listen to what I tell you, trust in each other and I’ll bring you out of this alive at any cost. Any questions?”

It was a fairly standard speech, designed to get straight to the point and filled with promises that you know you can’t keep. 

As expected, Apollo was first to speak up, clearly she was the one that was going to keep you on your toes. 

“What do we call you, Crow or Captain?”

“Either works.”

“Cap’ it is then.” 

She’s smirking which makes your gaze narrow. 

Her cavalier attitude would be amusing if it wasn’t for the circumstances in which you had found yourself with her and the others. Knowing you potentially held their lives in your hands was a tremendous burden and strain on your already damaged psyche. 

And to make matters worse Buha already reminds you too much of Holt. He has the same worried smile, a smile you would never see again on Holt, instead there's only the picture of his face caved in by the metal bat that they used to end his life. Bits of bone, blood and gnarled flesh had covered you whole by the time El Sueno was done with him, looking at Buha you could almost smell the death that had seeped into your soul that day. 

“Captain, are you ok?” 

Either Ember or Ricket asked that, you weren’t sure, you most definitely zoned out just then. Your stomach flipped, threatening to bring up breakfast and your heart raced as you willed your head to come back from that dark place. This was not the impression you were hoping to make, so you pulled it together, thankful the meds seemed to help curb what normally came after those kinds of flashbacks.

“I’m fine.” You quip through grit teeth before dropping your shoulders a little to try and relax, the pain at the base of your neck was rising a little and starting to irk you, you needed to distract yourself and fast. 

“Look, we're going to be spending every waking moment together over the next few weeks and will get to know each other steadily. We’ll learn each other's strengths and weaknesses and work to appropriately counter the latter. It’s going to be frustrating and you’re going to all end up hating me at one point or another.”

Ricket went to interrupt but you held up a hand to stop her before continuing.

“The attack on London was just the start of what's to come, the White Masks are ramping up for something big and It’s going to fall on all of us to make sure a horror like that does not only go unpunished, but is never allowed to happen again.”

You start to pace a little.

“I’ve read all your files, even the parts you probably didn’t want me to.” 

Apollo flinched a little at that but kept her composure. 

“I know you’ve all seen shit and that you can handle this, but none of you can do it alone no matter how strong you think you are. We work as a team or not at all, no lone wolves. If you trust in me and each other, I think we can make this the best damn fireteam Rainbow has ever had. And that’s the last of the speeches that you’re going to get out of me from this point forward.” 

You end with a smile and feel yourself ease at the chuckles that fall from the lips of the others, the tension successfully cut. 

“Now, Specialist Kingdom and Mira have a bet running that none of you will last 60 seconds in a sim against them and a few of the others. As a show of blind faith in all of your abilities I’ve wagered you can at least take one of them out. And I really would like to keep my money. So, how about we go get some practise in?” 

There's a small moment of them smirking with each other before they all collectively say ‘Yes Cap’ making you roll your eyes but grin all the same.

Maybe this won’t be so bad afterall.

* * *

If Harry could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be as far away from his office as he could get.

Lately his sanctuary and place of worship had become a den for liars and deceivers, himself included. The large screens that had once held various news channels on them were now dormant and black, kept silent in a foolish attempt to try and grant himself some decorum of peace and a semblance of quiet. 

Even his coveted whiteboard of information and secrets was hidden away by tarp still.

Rainbow was still being bashed in the news and it’s competence questioned in the Intelligence communities. It seemed everyone wanted a pound of flesh from him lately. The man needed a break. And it was all because of you and what you’d put into motion just by being on his doorstep. 

Watching those vids and sifting through those files that Bowman had sent had been a mistake, it brought him no closer to figuring out your role in all of this, all it did was flood him with intense guilt and made him sick to his stomach to see what happened to you because the CIA dropped the ball. What you went through, no one should ever have to experience no matter how evil. And it made him wonder how you were even remotely sane enough to still hold a gun without offing yourself with it, stronger minds might have done the same in your position.

There was some silver lining though regarding you.

As luck would have it, you’d been right on the money with your suggestion to look into the tenants of that building. Barely 24 hours after putting his people on it and there was already a lead on a few people who could perhaps be involved with the White Masks. Of the three that were being investigated, only one was of real concern, mainly because she’d disappeared without a trace. 

Six sighed and looked down to the tablet on his desk that had a meagre file that they had on her open. The name ‘Emily Whitnal’ heading up the otherwise near blank document. 

Whoever she was, whatever this young woman was involved in, she was near a ghost. 

And Six was tiring of Ghosts. But they were not done with him.

He looks up from the tablet and casts a glance to the old clock on the wall, pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose as he realises any minute now there will be another knock on his door, a knock that may or may not bring trouble with it. If it does it will be his own fault as he invited them here, but desperate times call for desperate measures, especially now that his best chance of a spy with you has refused to follow his orders in that matter.

He chuckles lightly to himself. 

Lieutenant Castellano is many things but she is not gullible, she does however wear her heart on her sleeve and you’ve somehow managed to worm your way under her skin, latching onto her and undoubtedly clouding her judgement. 

He needs someone impartial to you, someone with no prior connections and a natural, deep-seated mistrust of people around them. The fact this person has a history moving against Rainbows biggest and only quarry is just a bonus. 

The expected knock comes. 

But before Harry can get to his feet the door is pushed open and in walks a tall, striking woman with hair as white as snow tied back into a ponytail, only either underside is cleanly cut shorter and coloured a deep brown. She walks with purpose and military drilled precision, Specialist Kingdom and one of the gate guards huffing after her.

“Sorry Six, Miss impatient here wouldn’t take no for an answer.” Kody grumbles and fixes the newcomer a scathing look. 

The woman just smirks at her before making her way to the big bay window and standing with her back turned to Harry and the others. She folds her arms across her chest, almost as though she’s already bored about being there and clearly has no intention of talking with anyone other than Six himself.

“It’s ok Lt. Ammirati, thank you for escorting her here. If you would please take her bags to her room and leave us. I’ll be down to see you in the lab shortly.”

Kody just nods, grimacing a little that she’s playing butler to this arrogant soldier. She has a sinking suspicion that Six is going to ask her to induct this woman into Rainbow judging by all the gear that she’s brought with her. There’s no way this is just a simple visit from a contractor. 

Guess this is the price she has to play for being Canadian, some stereotypes are never allowed to die. 

She leaves, taking the gate guard with her who will undoubtedly have the bags thrust upon him whilst Kingdom bitches loudly about the lack of manners in this place the entire time.

Harry watches them go and moves to lock his door, mind mentally running a checklist of quick exits from the room and where his own personal weapons are stashed. He may have invited this woman into his base but that didn’t mean he trusted her. You lived longer in this profession that way.

He moves to stand by his desk, looking a little awkward just waiting there for her to say something. 

“It’s your office Six, you don’t need permission to take a seat.” 

She chuckles, the finnish accent coming through thick as she speaks in her native tongue. 

“English if you’ll please, my Finnish is a little rusty and I’ve had a trying few months.”

He sighs, not liking the way she is talking to him but choosing to heed her words anyway. He settles himself back behind his desk and watches as she moves from the window and comes to stand behind his desk, hand ghosting over the tarp that covers his whiteboard. Before he can stop her she pulls the tarp down and marvels at all the information now on display. 

“Impressive, perhaps you need a hobby though?” 

Harry can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not. He curses and turns in his chair, watching her through a narrowed gaze as she studies his innermost thoughts on his team. 

“This is her, no?” 

The silver haired woman points towards your photo which at this point is the most prominent on the board. It has multiple lines spanning off it, each ending in plethoras of written speculation and bits of information taken from files he has on you. 

“Yes, Cpt. Korhone. That is her.” 

“Karhu, call me Karhu. I no longer hold that rank in the eyes of the UTTI.” 

He pauses at that little tidbit of information but recovers quickly, simply offering up a nod. It’s not uncommon for the operators to prefer their callsigns over their real names. And you are no exception to that either. 

“Crow.” 

Karhu hums your name and follows one of the lines down until it ends with the report from London. A few words stand out that catch her attention, mainly the mention of the White Mask who tried to take you. 

“You should have called me sooner Six.” 

“Perhaps, there still lies the possibility that she is not a threat to Rainbow and involved with the White Masks. You’re not to treat her as such until the truth is determined.”

Karhu scoffs and turns fully to face him. 

“You don’t need to tell me how to do my job, of the two of us here who has dealt more damage to the terrorists? Who has rooted out and killed more of their spies?” 

Harry once again sighs and holds up his hands in conceit. 

“Just be cautious is all, whilst your methods are effective they leave much to be desired. A live prisoner is far more useful than a dead one could ever be.”

She smirks and looks to her wrist where a blade is carefully concealed beneath the fabric of her jacket. 

“Relax, If this Crow is a spy then I will find out and help you use her. If not, then you’ve simply added another powerful soldier to your ranks. But if the former proves true, I will do whatever is necessary to deal a blow to the bastards.”

The way her gaze hardens at that leaves little room for Harry to question her on it. He’s among the very select few who know what this woman is capable of, what she has done all in the name of her quest for vengeance. She’s unhinged like Crow, only Karhu appears to have at least learned how to control her bloodlust. Which brings Harry to his next question.

“Did you get my message?”

Karhu scowls and finally takes a seat, her posture rigid as she stares across the desk to the man who by all rights is her superior right now, not that you would believe it in how she is acting.

“I can train her, or I can at least try. But that could easily come back to, as you westerners say, ‘bite you in the ass’.” 

She objects crudely, gaze fixated on your picture. 

“Perhaps, but that is an obstacle that will be dealt with if it falls on my path.” Harry shrugs, “I am surrounded by the best soldiers the world's militaries have to offer. Crow is a very real, tangible threat but she is not invincible.”

“Of course she isn’t, but this method of training can make even the most ruthless a force to be reckoned with if successful.” 

Harry just sits back in his chair, mind wandering back to what he saw you do to Caviera in the gym. 

“That’s a risk we're going to have to take. I’m covering every angle I can with her, and her unchecked aggression and inability to control herself when provoked needs addressing no matter which way you look at it.” 

“Ok, don’t say I didn’t tell you so if the worst happens.” 

“Karhu, are you always this pessimistic?” 

Harry smiles, cocking his head to study the woman who he will entrust everything to. 

“Yes. It’s kept me alive longer than any vest or gun could. Of course .... a gun helps too, but as you know I much prefer a blade or two.” 

He nods and leans forward in his seat, cupping his hands together. 

“I’m sure Specialist Mira and Kingdom will be eager to see your smithing skills in action, though you appear to have gotten on the wrong side of Lt.Ammirati already.” 

“She’s cute. You sure know how to pick them Six.”

Karhu smirks, thinking on all the ways she might have fun working with Rainbow whilst she furthers her own personal goals. 

“Do I need to remind you of the rules of fraternisation?” 

Karhu just snorts and shakes her head. 

“Very well, for now get settled in and rest. I’ll introduce you in tomorrow's briefing and then have Kingdom show you around the facilities. I’m sure you can find a reason to run into Crow this week and begin your work.”

He offers his hand and she eyes it for a moment before taking it, reciprocating the parting shake.

“Welcome to Rainbow Specialist Karhu, may It turn out that I did not need you.”

Karhu smirks. 

“Oh Six, you’ve always needed me. You just didn’t know it.” 


End file.
